elerah

I’ve finally managed to set up an altar again. It’s only a small space on a shelf in the living room but it’s a start. Mostly I just stand there and light incense or a candle with prayerful intent. Sometimes I manage to do that and offer rosewater.

This is a big step from where I was even 3 months ago. I was still having problems praying three months ago. I still have some problems with it but fewer than I used to. I still cannot believe how Dad’s death rocked my spirituality like that. It was just like having the earth jerked out from under your feet and the sky replaced with nothingness, like reaching out spiritually accomplished nothing. It made me question a lot of things I never thought I’d question about being spiritual at all.

I am finally to the place where I get comfort from spiritual actions again. I’m finally to the place where my spirituality is invoking good feelings inside me once more. It has been and continues to be like toiling up a fearsome mountain but now I’m finally seeing that it does feel as rewarding as it used to.

Really, that’s why I haven’t been around anywhere much. It hit me hard; it was almost totally unexpected.

I’ve accepted that he’s gone but I don’t want to think about it at all. So I guess I wonder if I’ve truly accepted it. I distract myself from thinking about it at every opportunity.

I just wanted to say here that I am extremely grateful and thankful for all of the people who have come into my life recently through NaNoWriMo and 43T. It makes me think that perhaps everything is not as harsh as it had once seemed for me.

I’m grateful to have met you all.

<3

I had this dream about my former friend the other day and it was a real set-back.

I admit it- I got out all of the letters I’d written her and re-read them, really torturing myself with everything that went wrong. Sometimes I wish I could burn out the part of my brain that still wants to think about all of that crap that happened. It would be easier.

I am really working on forgiving her for everything that happened and on forgiving myself for letting it happen but dammit, I did not need that dream right then. I thought I was moving forward on this and soon, things would fade a little and I wouldn’t feel like a damned horrid mutant in this world because of everything that’s gone on.

I know I’ve made it further than I seem to grant in this past year but you would think that we had been married or something as hard as I’ve taken it. But it was 10 years’ worth of “friendship”.

How many words will this thing turn out to be? Will I finish it this time around as opposed to giving up without a fight like the last time?

I do want to finish this one as this is the first time I have an actual ending in mind. I just hope I can overcome my inner editor and write until I get there as opposed to overhauling bits I don’t like, writing 30,000 more words and giving up in February.

Well, the story is far from being finished but I just hit 50,000 words. This means while technically I’ve won, I am still going to be writing until midnight on the 30th and beyond into NaNoFiMo and probably beyond that as well, if I want to see things through to the last punctuation mark.

At least I don’t have to push as hard anymore. Pushing seems to be counter-productive to creativity for me but I still love NaNo.

I do hope I keep up enough enthusiasm for this story to finish it. This is the most I’ve written since the first of the year and it truly needed doing. It is nice to see how far I can get on very little planning.

I haven’t managed to drag the male lead through the story yet. I’m too wordy in NaNo writing mode. In my defense, there was a fair and I had to describe it. My main character had never been to an actual town before. I’m afraid it might have been a bit too much for her.

I’m a bit behind today thanks to one of my cats keeping me awake until 2:30 last night and then a trip to the dentist. Didn’t have anything done but an X-ray but it threw my writing routine off. I’ll have a coffee now and see if it returns.

Besides, no one told me your day’s writing quota has to end at midnight.

I decided to read the letters I had written my ex-best-friend tonight. I’m not exactly sure why I did it. Maybe I wanted to see how much power those incidents I detailed in them still effected me. That’s not the whole of it, I know. Perhaps I wanted to jolt my ability to write with a dose of past angst.

I can say with certainty that the letters no longer rouse the wrath and the despair in me that they once did. Reacalling those many incidents no longer makes me feel like a horrible person who doesn’t deserve to have friends who support her. But I still feel rightous about what happened and I need to get over that.

I am still activly working on forgiveness, though not so hardcore since NaNoWriMo started. I feel that I have made progress but I’m not sure what to think about what I did tonight. One of these days I am going to burn those letters when I’m totally over everything. Today was not that day.

I was tired of staring at the screen and trying to fix everything together without murder or sex. Well, to be frank, addin sex right now is next to impossible, given the plotline and there’s no one who deserves killing…

I’ve decided to introduce the male main character for just a jot instead. Naturally, I have to work up to it. I have to work up to everything.

I’m looking for 3,000 words today. I might have to drunken WriMo after all. I never thought I would get tired of looking at the screen inside of 30 days. Maybe I’m losing my edge. Dunno.

Maybe a little wine will loosen things up. ;)

For me, keeping my mind fluid and magical is also about knowing when to take breathers. If you push the mind, it rebels sometimes and freezes. You have to make room for the magic to happen, to coax it along, lure it out by trusting that magic will happen if you let it.

I’ve been employing this with my writing lately and have had the most enormous breakthroughs and have been saved from many quandries by allowing the magic to come, rather than by pushing it.

Stilling the mind allows it to flow around obstacles and to transform those obstacles into opertunities.

I’m really enjoying this :D

When characters you hadn’t even thought of at the beginning of the story not only materialize but prove themselves to be integral to the plot?

Yesterday my body denied me words. No words for yesterday. None. However today- WORDS. Wheee!

I’ve managed 3,650 today and I’ll probably write until 11pm as usual. Hopefully I’ll reach 5,000 or so.

But going out to write in my special place. I need the words. I’m quite on a roll.

I had a shipment of incense in the mail today- this is relevant as it creates a lovely atmosphere that helps me to write. So I’m going out to burn some incense and reclaim my NaNo groove. I was so owning NaNo yesterday.

So good luck everyone. I’ll burn a stick for you as well.

I wish you all many words.

The flu hates me. While I dined on Wrimo spleen yesterday and got around 4,000 words, it seems that the spleen was too much for me.

I. Feel. Like. Crap.

Goal today: 2,000 words… if I can manage to focus one eye for that long. This bites as I was on a roll.

I’m going to go pass out now.

I admit it- I passed out yesterday and wrote all of 78 words. It turns out I was coming down with something very like the flu. So now I’m angry and contagious. ;)

My goal today is 4,000 words to make up for that horrible lapse yesterday. I am proud, however, that I’m making headway with the plot. My heroine is almost abused enough to pack up and move to the city where big things will happen. Then I can introduce both the Master and Main Male Character (to be named later).

Look out, NaNoWriMo- I am going to eat your spleen! RAWR!

I’m marking this one as done because I now have an herb garden. I’m going to add more to it next year but the basic gist of the goal has been accomplished.

I have had a lot of fun watching the herbs grow and gathering them for use. I even went out into wild places and brought herbs back to my yard for transplant.

It has been very much worth my time and effort as not only have I had the satisfaction of tending the herbs but the little thrill of having medicines and condiments I haven’t had to pay much for.

I have had to want to forgive a certain person so much that I couldn’t do anything else in my spare time but work on forgiving them. I broke down crying because I couldn’t bear to hitch myself to them any longer by refusing to forgive them.

It has been slow going but I have, until very recently, been setting aside 10 minutes a day to meditate on forgiving this person and releasing them from my lift- thereby releasing myself from the suffering I was causing myself. I finally realised that I was not benefiting from directing my hatred at them and wishing them ill. It was a waste of energy. It is not up to me to make them suffer- if they want to suffer, they will suffer. I don’t need to hurt myself by not forgiving.

I’m not saying I’m finished with this goal but I do feel that I am getting closer to completely forgiving this person. It’s easy to see that they are causing themselves a lot of pain. Sometimes I even feel sorry for them that they would rather be admired for suffering than for being tremendously happy.

I am going to start back up with the forgiveness meditations. I am feeling lighter and happier all of the time, the more I forgive this person and let them go. I can’t believe I couldn’t bring myself to do this sooner but that’s just how I am.

Time to break out the paper, ink, and brushes. I have some new books that look very interesting.

Sumi-e is my winter hobby.

I just wanted to check in on this one to say that I believe I’m doing better. My biggest event seems to be losing its charge and its hold on me. I can no longer read the letters I wrote about it and I neither think nor talk about it very much.

I’m quite happy with my progress.

I’ve found lately is to give my inner editor 10 minutes at the beginning of the writing day to quash all of the bits of garbage that I especially hate that I wrote the day before. Not only does it lower my hatred for what I’ve written but it usually results in a higher word total at the end of the day.

I gave up on my prologue and as a result, I’m writing more and longer before developing NaNo ADHD and checking my e-mail and LJ communities.

I think I’m making progress, storyline-wise. Right now I’m at 22,644 words with about 400 more words to go to meet today’s goal.

Been sick all day today and it has really killed my groove.
I’m up to 12,821 words but I’m horribly disgusted by everything I’ve written and it’s ruining what I have left of today.

I’ll settle for 1,667 words by midnight.

I must remind myself- It doesn’t matter if the story is awful, what matters is getting 50,000 words this month.