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Ok, so this has been moved from last week’s goals to here… that’s the good thing about 43 – you can move/organise goals so easily!

Haven’t really worked on my self-discipline writing-wise… But I am consciously drinking more water every day, and if I can get into the fitness habits (low level: stretching & walking 3 times a day), and hopefully writing each day even if it’s a diary or on here, then that’s a damn fine start. Once I start feeling physically healthier, then I’ll have more energy to direct to my goals.

This is the theory :D how’s it in practice?! :)

Feeling rather happy today. Not sure why. I was silly and slept for a few hours in the evening yesterday; consequently couldn’t for the life of me get to sleep last night – ended up having only a couple hours sleep. Would have thought I’d be grumpy today, but I’m actually upbeat :) Might have something to do with walking in the woods at lunch – my old favourite. Very calming place.

Maybe I was too tired to think! so didn’t have any negative thoughts…? Was a little bit sad for a short while at work – the official memo went out to the company telling them the accounts function was moving…reminded me we’ve only got 3 weeks before we start packing up. Going to miss people, especially my buddy. I’ll have to keep in touch and harass her in the future :)

I think actually it’s because there’s a lot of things going on atm. As lazy as I am, I do respond well when there’s lots on. Going to Derry shortly for a walkabout; started reading 59 Seconds – tips on how to make your brain work better for you, for happiness etc. The counselling and physio are going well – I walked today! good sign of that :)

I don’t know, but I won’t over analyse it – if you route around in kindling, you’ll snuff out the flame. Will just be happy that I feel happy :)

Thought of a genius way to “kill two birds..” – my counsellor wants me out and about 3 times a day; fitness wise, a walk three times would be fantastic. So – the basic plan is to park next to the local woods in the morning (ten minutes from my work); have a walk about, then walk to work. Lunch time – as car not there then there’s just no temptation to drive anywhere, so have to walk! Gets me back into the old routine of tracking through the woods for lunch. Then after work, well, I have to walk to get the car :) and by then I’ll want to have another stroll :)

Not exactly what my counsellor had in mind I’m sure! But I need to get my fitness up again before I can do things like walking into town. Besides – she did say ‘a walk around the block’ was ok. Instilling the habit to get out of the house is the point after all – even if I spend it alone in the dog-walker’s woods, I guess I’m still not at home! :)

No talking at the TV today. It’s still a bit weird that one. I’m a writer, not a talker :P Going to take some determination to practice that task..especially as my folks tend to be watching TV too! although…I do have some dvd boxsets I’ve been meaning to watch… I’ll have to play them up here on the pc. Grand idea! Thank you 43 ;)

Meep! It’s late! So much for an early night. I really am going to be grumpy tomorrow :P

Night night xx

I actually went out today! Yay :) First time on a saturday in ages. Would have been easy to ‘not bother’ but pushed myself to go out. If it hadn’t been a task set by my counselor I know I wouldn’t have pushed myself.

Popped to the sorting office to collect an under-postaged letter, then went into town to put a couple cheques in the bank (didn’t take any cards/cash so no temptation to shop & buy anything!). Felt bizarrely cathartic to be ‘mission based’ rather than on a shopping trip. Was back home within half an hour. Had toyed with the idea of walking instead of driving but, having not tested my distance ability yet, I decided it was best to just go with the car than risk the chance of doubt stopping me from going out.

Tried talking at the TV but felt… a little silly cause all I was doing was making basic comments, but, it actually felt strangely liberating. I first thought to myself ‘this is silly’ and stopped, then felt as though I was somehow restrained so talked a bit more. I guess that’s one of the points of this – to get me feeling quite happy to talk freely and stop restraining myself. It’s no wonder that all I’ll be saying, without thinking, is pretty simple stuff. It’s the first time I’ve tried it. I just need to make that connection closer – between taking ages to think of the right, or cleverest thing, and actually saying it (which I normally don’t because by the point I’ve screened what I want to say as being ‘ok’, the chance to say it has passed).

So even once I’ve got to saying without really thinking, I’ll have to work on improving what I say. I’ve been conscious of this at work this week and when I would normally be reticent I’ve forced myself to speak. I’m not sure I like what I’m saying. Not sure if that’s a reflection on me – which I hope not as I’ll begin to dislike what’s inside – or if it’s just I have to build up experience of how to interact from scratch. I know it is the latter. I’m generally a clever and nice person, I just need to break the only – the safe – habit that I’ve developed: when I speak, I tend to stick to what I think people want to hear. Unfortunately I tend to get this wrong. As I’ve told myself a couple times: I converse so infrequently that it’s ludicrous to believe I know what people want to hear; I don’t have the experience/skill of real conversation.

There is no way to know what other people are thinking – so just tell the truth. I need to speak what is actually on my mind! Then I won’t feel false and compound my anxiety of talking to people.

I have found in the past that when I do say what I think, I actually have nice, fun, fulfilling conversations! I need to remember this and work on speaking the truth more often 1)to bring up the number of memorable times it’s happened, also for confidence, and 2)get over the few times that talking the truth has caused me embarrassment (usually, I must add, only because I’ve started to say something true and got embarrassed to be saying something so meaningful, which in turn stopped me from finishing what I was saying and then feeling more embarrassed because what I just say was quite random and awkward out of the context of the whole idea I was trying to put across, because I caused myself to stop short).

Btw, I am sorry this must sound like bit of a counselling session if anyone’s reading this; I recognise I’m using this site as a therapeutic tool. Then again, I suppose we all are; anyone who’s come here feels they need a little help motivating or organising themselves. So…I’m not really sorry :P as we’re all in the same boat, kind of. ... We’re all in different sized dinghys trying to get to shore.