emcg1427

so he ended it. he consistently ends it. but then he does this thing where he constantly checks my away messages and if i code them, for fun or so he can’t read them… he decodes them. he takes the time to fucking decode them. then, even better, sends me an im with the decoded message. to rub it in my face that i still ache a little? because subconsciously he still loves me too? last week when i said i wasn’t going to keep putting myself out there he said he thought he’d lost his fucking headache. and now this. if he wants me out, fine, but he can’t keep coming back into my life… i swear this will be the end of me. i’m just not strong enough to handle this. it’s been dragged out now since july 2005… it’s enough. i’m tired of this game and i hate when he tells me he’s miserable and empty. but i can’t keep hiding from actual romance because i think he might come back… but then what if i fall in love with someone else and he does come back? or worse, what if i never love someone the way that i loved him. it’s just hard to let that feeling slide away when you can feel it slipping through your fingers. your body and your soul is ready to be finished with this love, but for some reason your mind clings to it. ugh.

i’ve done this… it is truly amazing. unfortunately, like most things it has come to an end. pain, like love, is essential to life. it provides for growth. the point is, it’s not a “been there, done that” sort of deal. i hope it’s the recurring sort. yes, ok cease rant.

this show is amazing… saw it on broadway four years ago. there are several experiences in my life that have pushed my emotional boundaries to the point where i could not control my physical reactions, this show provided one of them. incredible, breath-taking-there’s no way the movie even begins do the show justice-go see the show, rush for tickets—you can get third row seats for $20… true to the show’s bohemian story, Jonathon Larson wrote a provision of sorts stating that inexpensive tickets MUST ALWAYS be available for his show. and they are, to this very day. so go… seriously.