emi159

3 months ago, I wrote this goal and I don’t feel any bit closer to reaching it. I’m told by my partner that we haev children(as if I didn’t realise) so we can’t just up and go, but i argue that we can. I don’t want my beautiful girls growing up in a place that I hate, and I’m sure they will hate too. It’s the weed he smokes that keeps him set in his ways. He doesn’t get excited about new ideas or things that are possible. He finds it easier to laugh at me when I mention my dreams. God, it’s annoying!

I have so many random thoughts racing thru my head, it’s hard to keep up. I am alwas telling myself that I am wasting my life living where I am, because I don’t want to bring my 2 children up here, but I feel stuck, and it’s true, we wouldn’t be able to move at the minute, so that makes me angry with myself, and leaves me thinking about it still. I think about what a crappy job I’ve got at Blockbuster, renting dvd’s out to rude, obnoxious people, but then if I looked for a better job it would mean putting my youngest in childcare, which I have already tried and it broke my heart because she hated it so much. Which is why I’m back at Blockbuster. I think I’m wasting my life being stressed and stuff, when I should be grateful for everything I’ve got. My two daughters are the most beautiful things in the world, and I have a lovely partner, but I seem to spend my time thinking about how I could make things better for us all. And then that leaves me feeling useless again.
My youngest child will be at school in a couple of years, so I should just be patient about things, and I suppose that’s my problem. I find it hard to live in the here and now, and am always looking for the next thing to do.

Keeping fit is no a strong point of mine. The stupid thing is that when I do exercise I immediatly feel better about myself, have more energy etc, but then I stop the routine and it all goes to pot. My thinking is that if I join the gym, because I’m spending all that money, then maybe I’ll feel like I have to go regularly. I know alot of people think like this, and they never end up going, but I’ve got to have a little faith. Also, I got a leaflet thru the door saying that if I join I won’t have to pay the joining fee, which is avout 50 pound.
But then again, I’m so paranoid about wasting money and spending money selfishly, especially with my two gorgeous girls to look after. Oh dear, Indecisiveness is never a good thing with me.. it basically means that I’m putting things off that I really can’t be bothered with and in the end it never gets done anyway.