emi

^{This entry is something I posted on my private blog and I thought I could share it here now, too.}

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Two nights ago I was feeling really, really low. I felt that I was completely worthless and useless. Feeling like that isn’t too nice, I’ll give you that. You just lose hope. In yourself, in pretty much everything. I hate feeling like that. And I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I hate myself for not being able to stop all this.

I’ve been having a really hard time going to school. This week I’ve only been to one class, the others I’ve skipped. On Wednesday I went to school, not to attend class but to talk to my teachers. I’d told some of them about my condition before Xmas break, but I figured some more people needed to know and others needed an update on the matter. Luckily I was able to talk to three teachers and they were all so wonderful and supporting. I also sat down with my fiction project group (or most of it, at least) and told them about the depression, too. I figured they deserved to know, since I might not be participating so much after all. I’d really, really want to, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know much these days.

However, it is good to know that the world will not end even if I don’t go to school every day. The teachers really understand, and that’s amazing. They made sure I know that everything will work out and I will get everything done in my own time. There’s no rush, I just need to do what’s right for me. Health comes first. My fiction project group members took the news really well, too. (Unfortunately I’m not the only depressed member in our group, and not even the only Emilia. Another Emilia is also not around because of the same reason. I hope the name’s not a curse… We still have one healthy Emilia left in the group, eh.) I felt a whole lot better after I talked to all those people.

But I still don’t know what I’m really supposed to do. It’s hard for me to attend school in this condition, even though I really enjoy being at school. It’s just that I don’t know whether I’m supposed to force myself to go to school every morning, which is a real struggle, or if I should give in to the desire to just stay at home? Either way I’ll risk getting worse, that’s my fear at least. If I stay at home, I’ll feel miserable for not having gone to school and missing all the new stuff there. But if I do go to school, I’m afraid that’ll end up in me being completely exhausted and I’ll just fall apart completely.

I wish someone could just tell me what’s the right thing to do now. I know it’s only up to me, but a girl can still wish for an easy way out of all this. I guess I just feel that I don’t have the right to just stay at home. I’m starting to think that I haven’t really accepted that my depression is a real disease. It’s so hard to fight against your own sense of responsibility and perfectionism. I feel that I’m still supposed to be able to do everything as usual, like nothing’s wrong. I’m even afraid that I’ll start to use my depression as an excuse to slack off.

The thought has crossed my mind that maybe I should take the spring off from school (at least for now) and concentrate on finishing my bachelor’s degree in peace. It would certainly soothe my mind to have that whole deal over and done with, and I’d get money from the government again after that. But at the same time I don’t want to miss my first spring at my dream school. This situation sucks, big time.

I can somehow understand my mother’s point of view, but it’s still kind of sad that she can’t understand why I’m feeling this way. It is probably true what she says – that I have no real reason to be depressed, my whole life is still open and ahead of me and everything has worked out so well for me. I have a great guy by my side, I’ve got a fantastic place to study at, everything should be just fine. I get how she feels this way, but it doesn’t really make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse – I know my life is good, so why the hell can’t I stop being depressed? Nothing’s just that easy.

I still haven’t heard from the psychiatrist, so I don’t know when my therapy will begin. It’ll probably take quite a long time, the lines are pretty long. I have seen my psychologist a few times now, but I’m not sure if it has helped all that much. It’s mostly just talking about old things, anyway. I can’t really predict when my low phases surface and usually they don’t surface right before I go to see my psychologist. So we talk about all sorts of other stuff. Not completely unrelated to my depression, no, but still, other stuff. Old stuff. Some of it I’d just like to forget. In any case, I haven’t seen a whole lot of improvement yet. Not sure if the meds are working yet or not. It took a long time last time, so I’m not surprised that it’s taking a long time again this time ‘round.

But all’s not hopeless. I do have the world’s greatest guy by my side, my dear J. He helps me so much that I can’t ever even thank him enough for all of it. He’s the best. ♥ And he still manages to feel happy and satisfied even though he has to support me so much. (He got a job this week, by the way! Yay!) I have my family, my friends, our beautiful rat girls. And things will get better, I’m sure they will. I’m not at my worst. I just need to get better and better. But I’m not sure how to get there yet.

I’m back.

It seems I can’t stay away from here, heh. I’ll still rely mostly on my blog as a personal outlet, so I won’t be revealing quite as much here as I used to back in the days. I’ll attempt to focus on my goals now, for real.

^{Oh, and happy 2012, everyone!}

I’m leaving 43Things. Some of you already knew about this (I had mentioned it here a while ago), but now I’m stating it for everyone to read, as a cold hard fact. I am leaving.

I’ve been in the process of leaving for quite a while now. For the past two months now, I’ve been saving all my thousands and thousands of entries into a private blog, and today I finished transferring all of my content there. There’s almost nothing left here now.

I won’t be deleting my account, at least not for now. I’ll leave it here, open but untouched. One reason for doing this is that I know how people hate it when others delete their accounts and that leaves blank spots in their comments sections etc. I also want to give y’all a chance to reach me later on, too. I won’t be here actively, but I’ll read your personal messages if you happen to send me some.

I don’t want to lose contact with all the wonderful people I’ve come to know through this site. I’ve been on 43Things for well over 4 years now and this place has been really important to me. I guess it still is, but I feel that it’s time for me to move on now. I’ll be better off without too many online distractions. It’s the right choice for me right now. I choose living instead of listing.

When I joined 43Things in January 2007, I was a very different person than I am now. I was so inexperienced with life, shy, lonely and gloomy. I had a really hard time with everything back then. This place made me blossom, little by little. I’ve accomplished so many things during my time here. I’ll never forget that, and I’ll never forget all the amazing people that helped me along the way. I’ve learned so much here. 43Things will always have a special place in my heart and memories.

But now it is time to go. I’ll be putting up a blog soon (I hope) and if you wish to be amongst its readers, please send me a PM with your email address. (The blog will be a private one, where I’ll allow certain people to be readers once I’ve approved their email IDs, or something like that.) Or if you just wish to keep in contact otherwise, PM me your contact info – email, snail mail address, Google+ account (I’m not on Facebook, just Google+), whatever. I hope to keep in touch with you dear people.

Goodbye, and good luck with everything you choose to do.
With love,
Emilia