emily_bee

intelligent
educated
busy
and very very frustrated

i’ve been surfing hollywood gossip sites for the past year.
it gets my mind off things, especially after tough studies and work
i’m so happy i don’t have channel E at home
but this is truly baffeling
it helps me unwind, looking at nothing and bored people talking about basically – nothing
but i always feel tired, knowing i wasted my time
and have no idea why i am still interested at where these stars go, with whom and why
especially when it’s so important for me to stop gossiping in the outside world. i am quite addicted to it. can i stop for a week? what will i get in return? amazing how tough it is. why??

i’ve been gone and have been very harsh on myself. the regular all-or-nothing plan. if i can’t do everything, every day, might as well just stop. i let myself go, these have been tough times. but i think the way to go for me is to stick to one or two, and try not every day, but as many times a week as possible. less is more. i’m back.

first day of success. took me 9 days to even start. now the main thing is tio continue. we’ll see.

i’m really happy about the progress here. 9 consecutive days. it just seems strange without it. download a great palm meditation timer. nice sounds and everything.

woke up ok. so far pretty tough getting out of bed immediately, so i open my eyes and sit up in bed, for a bout 2 minutes. how is it possible to get out at once?

ever since my husband and i moved to a new apartment, we decided together to keep it clean. it would have been a lot tougher alone, so we divided cleaning assingments, and we each take care of different rooms. in the end, the whole house is much cleaner than before.

i should have known, but i was sure that it would be impossible for me to begin the day without coffee. as it turned out, i really don’t need more than a cup a day.

this might take forever. i can’t make this into a goal or i will constantly feel bad with myself. i just know that writing to myself and beginning meditation really helps. so does the therapy i have gone to. actually, ANYTHING that makes you feel good about yourself will eventually lessen the comparisons to others. proven.

now just to stop the sugar and white flour thing. but apart from that, ever since i’ve started starting my day with a good breakfast, i can’t go without fresh veggies in the morning.

it was a small movie for my b.des. in visual communication. i made it for the wrong reasons. didn’t ask for enough help and was scared shitless, was sure nothing i did was good and everyone else knew better. it was a horrible experience, but of course it doesn’t mean that i wasn’t made to make films. i might again one day, just to get over the trauma.

we found eachother by chance 2.5 years ago in an internet adhd forum. i had stopped looking and really didn’t think i’d meet anyone on the net. sounded like a stupid way to meet at the time. but i guess love really appears when you stop looking for it.

i’ll be starting studies this upcoming school year (oct-nov). that’s the earliest the classes begin. i’m really looking forward to it.

lost count for past 3 days.

lost track for the past 3 days. it started well. does herbal tea count? i think so. this is crucial. ok not crucial, but healthy. my skin will definately benefit. i’ll just try to keep count.

cannot seem to sit down to do this. am very annoyed. there has to be a way, since it is important that both my husband and i track the house expenses. then again, it’s not fair that the tracking part is my sole responsibility. hmmmm. maybe put up a sign on computer not to surf without daily expenses? i’ll think of a plan.

this goal is becoming harder. if i really want to get the most out of the omega 3, i should fing a way to connect between food and taking the tablets. or… just have an alarm clock remind me and decide to take them with a small snack (maybe a better idea). i keep forgetting. my husband says ithat maybe i should stop taking them altogether for now, since so far no change has happened. (though how can anything change when even 2 months haven’t passed?? ugh.)

been meditating every morning for the past 7 days. at times it’s been tough, though i only planned for 5 minutes, it’s still hard to clear my mind. the thing that helps me most is my small portable meditation space i made (blanket and pillow and candle). it really opens my day different. i really hope to persevere, and eventually increase to 10 min.

been getting up on time for the past week. glad that i narrowed my goals down to 2. it just proves to me that overdoing it usually make me tenser and eventually i bail out.

this is a tough one.

yesterday 8. not bad… going along with the good advice, using bottles (500 milliliter here) so adds up to 4 bottles a day. not too tough. wish me luck!