envy57

I always wondered how I would feel when he finally called me. I wondered if I would get excited, if my heart start beating rapidly, if i’d feel all fluttery inside, but more importantly I wondered if I would have the strength to ignore his call. I was with my sister when my phone rang and I felt my heart stop when I saw the familiar number on my phone screen (I had deleted him from my phone book) Thankfully my sister was there and felt somewhat empowered. I put the ringer on mute and went back to my conversation with my sister, although all I kept thinking was, why is he calling me, what could he possibly have to say? And did he really think I would answer after what he did??! I felt very proud of myself for not answering and it felt really good knowing that once again i have control over my life.

Once again I was unable to sleep last night… I couldn’t stop thinking about him… whether he’s with “her”. He always denied that the break up was because of another girl, but I had this gut feeling. He seemed different.. just weird. Anyway I later found out that he was talking to a new girl, claimed it was a high school friend. Then, I was in denial and trusted him so I never questioned it further. But I have so many questions… omg!! it kills me! I wish i could beat him and force him to tell me everything!! i hate him! how could he do this to me?

I was unable to sleep last night… so during a desperate and delirious moment I started writing to him. Thankfully I did not send it to him (a sign that I’m regaining strength) the old me would have clicked “send” in a heartbeat. Instead I sent it to myself. But reading it this morning, I’m wondering if i should just do it. I NEED CLOSURE!! I need to stop having those awful nightmares and losing sleep over this. Maybe by sending it, I will somehow feel better about myself. I just need to get it out of my chest. I want him to know that it’s all crystal clear now and that I’m ok with moving on.