esyooee

...at trying to figure it all out. in my previous entry for this goal from 2 years ago, i was unsure what career path to follow. and now i suppose i do, since i’m in grad school trying to earn the required degree. but sometimes i question if i might be better off pursuing other careers i would’ve enjoyed…but those thoughts come to me when i’m feeling really stressed out with the grad school workload.

the first being trying to say “i love you” to my parents…

i don’t like intimacy and getting touchy-feely b/c it just feels really awkward to me. i always back off anyone’s attempts to hug me, even hugs from my mom. first thing people learn about me is that i do not like hugs. and if i get a surprise hug, i immediately shrug the person off while saying “get off”. i know this comes across rude, i need to add learn how to be nice to my list as well…

but…i would like to know how it feels to hug my parents. if i can’t say i love you, at least a hug can somehow express it. and i hear hugs feel good.

i’m not very expressive, i’ve been told it’s hard to read my face. i feel like saying these kind of stuff is…mushy. i feel too old to be using that word, but that’s exactly how i feel. i never even end my emails and cards to my parents with “love, __” b/c it feels very uncharacteristic of me…and if i say it out loud, it’ll feel even more awkward.

but i truly do love my parents so much and grateful for them too. everyday i think about how old they’ve become, how old i’ve become, and how there won’t be much time left to spend with them…and i end up crying just thinking about it. i hope that at least my actions, what i do for them, indicate my love for them…