everythingbutthegirl

So, the org. I work for had a fundraising event at a freakin’ restaurant today. Yeah. That was super fun.

Strangely enough, the most tempting thing to me was bread. Surrounding by fried naughtiness and cheesecakes and things that smelled yummy—-and all I wanted was the loaf of bread. Ah well, I am Queen of the Carbs, now and forever. So be it. I made it through without a hitch…and then was trapped with take out for the too-pregnant-to-travel co-worker for another 40 minutes in the car.

Not to get all Bridget Jones on y’all, but:

Am triumphant, goddess like food defeating creature.

Went to an amazing lecture by the co-founder of an organization that has spent 27 years mobilizing people to collectively and non-violently feed the homeless—-and for their troubles have been arrested, threatened and beaten by the police. IN OUR COUNTRY. They are on the FBI Terrorist Watch list. For feeding the homeless.

For. Feeding. The. Homeless.

Other than the disgusting reality of THAT little piece, it reminded me that food is so much more than we give it credit for. It is sustanence. It can prolong life with its presence, it can end life in its absence. It is something that should be a Universal RIGHT for all human beings. And it is something that I have long abused when so very many suffer and die without it every day, every hour, every minute. Ironically, I run an organization that works in food rescue and I still have a hard time realizing this.

Changing my relationship with food is a-number one on my list of things to walk away from this fast with. And if that includes re-dedicating myself to making sure that those who do not have the chance to overeat, to diet, to worry about gaining weight are supported and cared for, well wonderful.

For so many, for too many…every single day is a fast and it sure as hell isn’t by choice.

/rant.

So, if my mom asks, I’m done with the fast. No seriously. 33 and still lying to Moms. Sad but true.

As I am a former bulimic, I have to say I can’t blame my parentals for their concern. That said, I can only say “if anorexia was possible for me, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ANOREXIC. I like food too damn much” so many times. Hey, at least my friends have been chill about it. And honestly, Mom and Dad were pretty damn cool too. Very damn. That said, still time to be “done”.

As my week is going to be nutty mcnutterson, I went grocery shopping after work today to get ready for post cleanse this weekend.

I hate the grocery store. No, really. Since going into “recovery”, the grocery store has given me panic attacks. What can I eat? What should I eat? How do I close my eyes when I roll past old triggers without running into Susie Homemaker with kiddies in tow? WHY DO THEY MAKE THESE AISLES SO SMALL????????

Today, it was fun. Fun? Yes, fun. I knew exactly what I came to buy and got it. I stocked up on veggies and tofu and fruit and whole grain pita and hummus and tempeh and even 100 calories pack yummies cos I know that nights are the hardest and I NEED a treat. I am excited to cook again, and all this measuring for the MC has drilled into me the notion that for a while, I need to be strict about measuring and modifying meals. I live alone, and leftovers are great…but I need for a few weeks to know EXACTLY how much I am eating. Hopefully I will soon learn to “eye” stuff.

I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not getting as much physically from the fast I could be….but what I’m gaining mentally and emotionally is worth 10x that. If this fast helps me regain long lost control over my body and my intentions toward it, well….3 effin cheers for lemons.

Another cleanser, Yooper, wrote about her poor dog being baffled at the cleanse. I had to laugh, because the same thing occurred to me yesterday. I have a beagle, and beagles like to eat. A lot. Anything. Everything. All the time. Sort of like me on a bad day, come to think of it. Anyway, the poor boy is seriously confused about the last 6 days. There are no crumbs to snarfle off the floor, no pans and plates to lick the metal or ceramic off of. Nothing but DOG FOOD????? I swear to you, folks, I’ve seen him glaring at me out of the corner of my eye. I expect the cat to go missing soon and a poorly written ransom note demanding people food or “the kitty gits it”.

This has been easier than I expected. My scale doesn’t work, so I haven’t a clue how much weight I’ve lost. The tongue is white and a wee fuzzy, but the body is so not working the way everyone else’s is with the eliminations…so I haven’t a clue if I’m reaping the benefits at all. Yet for real, I’m more about the dedication piece of all this insanity. I needed to know I CAN do it. I needed to know I’m strong enough.

And yea. The body buzz is pretty fun too.