exercisedaily

About 2 hours ago we put Jarrah down. My sister and brother didn’t c ome, it was just mom, dad and me. Our poor baby. It was so traumatic for all of us. The vet was acting all chirpy and happy and i cracked it at her. We’re just about to put our dog down and she’s acting like it’s just another routine- that may well be the case but it doesn’t take away the fact that we’re hurting to have to do what we’re doing. It was awful. They sedated him first because he was so excited by seeing other pets. Once his heart stopped, he convulsed quite a bit- god that was yuck. RIP sweetie. xx

He’s not actually a puppy technically. He’s 14 years old in human years. His name is Jarrah. He’s a kelpie, an Australian farm dog. He’s beautiful. We called him Jarrah because SADLY none of us could come up with a name that we all could agree on!!! Jarrah is the colour that he is. He also has slight burnt orange fur ontop of his eyes.

So the family went on a short holiday for a week. I stayed home as I couldn’t get all the time off at such short notice, and someone had to look after the pets anyway.

Jarrah has been acting- not strange, just not his usual self recently. He has had soooooo much energy all through his life. Once we had a bad thunderstorm and he ran away. We couldn’t find him for 2 days. Someone called us- our number’s on his tag- and said they’d found him and were looking after him. He’d travelled 69.42 Kilometres- we did the count on the car distance check. So, he’s never had ‘fitness’ issues. But recently he’s been moping. He has a sad look in his eyes- you can see it. And a few nights when i fed him, he didn’t eat. Mom and Dad came back last night and took him to the vet.
The vet said all of his lymph glands were swollen- thus the not eating- his throat was the worst. She also said that he has cancer and it’s quite advanced. We couldn’t understand ‘how’ and why so all of a sudden. Its almost out of the blue. So all we can do is make him comfortble and put anti-inflammatory tablets in his food to eat. And give him mush food, nothing that requires tough chewing…. Then when he starts feeling pain, we’ll have to take him back to the vet one final time.

I haven’t cried yet. I can feel it though- just writing this now. I just got angry at everyone and told them to stop talking about it like he’s going to die now, and ran up to my room. I don’t know why people talk about such touchy topics so freely with one another. It makes me so mad. It hurts so bad and you guys want to talk about it.. Whatever.

I just don’t want my dog to go. I love him so much. He loves us too. He’s a family member. I remember when we got him- mom picked me up from school- i would have been 7 years old, mom said we’ve got a surprise for you and your brother, and the whole trip home i tried guessing what it was. And it was a gorgeous little puppy who jumped and jumped and whose tail wagged like 500 times per second. He’s come on pretty much all of our family holidays with us. He’s made my parents upset just like us kids have! That equals family. And he’s dying.

After I’d come to the realization that these friends weren’t the real issue, I knew I had to do something. Now, I can see that the group of kids weren’t ‘bad’ or ‘hypocritical’ as I thought. They were kids. I was a kid. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay for them not to be the same as me. It’s okay for me to think and feel things differently. At the time, I couldn’t grasp this concept and just had huge feelings of hopelessness and guilt.
The real issue was me. Everything they did and said, I agreed with and endorsed. I adopted a persona that would fit nicely into their realm. I knew that I wasn’t ‘myself’ but didn’t realize that this in fact was the issue. Now, I’ve discovered who I am, or at least many parts of who I am. For a period of time, I had a very bitter attitude towards the group. I was angry at myself and the situation. And I blamed them.

I obviously had a subconscious desire to fit in, to belong, to have a ‘group’ of friends. I did it, at my own expense. Sometimes I think about the times we shared together, and I have to admit I did at times genuinely have fun. Now I don’t have fun. I’m not fun. I can see what is funny but I’m not fun anymore. But then I never really was because I lived my life through the persona I’d adopted which wasn’t me anyway…

So now, the options are, do I abandon all of them, move to Japan like I intend to anyway and erase them from my memory? Or, do I pick up from where I left off? The thing is, I can’t re-adopt that persona that I had. That’s not truly me. I can’t do it.

The easy way out, is just to leave it/them all behind and start fresh in some new place…then I get a txt message from that ‘best friend’ saying ‘I haven’t seen you for ages. I miss you.’ Then I feel bad.

So now this is all out on the table of my mind, I just don’t know what to do. Every decision has a consequence. As I know too well. The law of cause and effect… I’m divided one again. How can you turn around and say to X amount of people who, you’ve known for year and who consider themselves to be your friend, that ‘actually you don’t think of them as friends because they don’t really know you at all, you actually think they’re still childish, immature, superficial, narrow minded and predominantly fun-oriented- just like when they were younger, and that finally you don’t want anything to do with them ever again?’

Now that we’re a little bit older, some of them are making changes. I can see that they are trying to be better people (not that I’m angel face over here). Some of them have gotten baptized now. I haven’t decided if I want the religion for myself yet. That’s another thing, if I do decide on getting baptized (reeeeally don’t know about that either) then I’ll see them all the time… Why is life so difficult at times?

Regardless of the subconscious/conscious motives that caused this entire problem, it was my doing. I wanted so badly to be part of the group that I forsook myself. Someone once said that ‘regrets are a waste of time. No matter how badly you feel about a situation past, there’s nothing you can do to change it.’ I’ve been so focused on ‘what happened’ I haven’t been able to think in the present and see things for what they are the time. I’ve already gone back, assessed the situation, identified what went wrong and now it’s time to make a decision and move forward. No blaming. No regrets.

Maybe I should write a book?!!