I'm doing 42 things
I lost my best friend in 2002, he fell to his death in a freak and tragic accident. he was my first love, and 2 weeks ago my best friend lost hers.
It has brought up every emotion I have been suppressing for years. We had planned to get married, sure, we were kids, but kids in love plan dumb things.
Last weekend I got married, and it was tough not to think about him all day. I love my (new) husband so much, I feel so complete when I am with him, but I miss my friend so much and a part of me cant believe he was not the one standing beside me.
When he died it was weird. We had broken up almost a year prior, both dated other people, but with the loose plan that when I finished high school we would see how we went. He died at the beginning of my last year. 6 weeks before he died was his 21st birthday, where we danced, kissed, got drunk and talked about how we would be together forever.
I stood on the hill at the cemetery and watched them lower him in. I have not been to that part of a funeral service since. Until last week, I had been to his grave 3 times.
The day after my wedding I went to his grave. His parents had put a picture of him on the headstone, which always kills me because I took the photo they used. I don’t know why it doesn’t make me happy to know that the smile is for me, I guess its because I wont ever see that smile again.
I gave him a flower left over from our centrepieces, and chatted about the wedding. I cried and cried and cried. I left him a piece of cake. Odd I know, but Im odd and so was he.
On Tuesday we buried our friend. As I said, he was my best friends first love, and so, despite the fact that I never do the cemetary bit, I went to support her.
Watching him be lowered in to the ground was horrible. I felt angry that he had been so fucking stupid as to not look at the road. I was angry at min for not looking where he was going and falling through the roof. I was mad at the people that organised the shitful music at the funeral. Then I looked over and saw a pelican flying and knew it was okay.
I want to think of my passed friend, (and now, unfortunately friends) fondly and shared my life with them, not get pissy at their graves.
Thats my point, sorry, and thanks for the rant.
