fanboy

“you’ve done all the things that could kill you somehow and you’re so far down, but you will survive it somehow because life starts now” – 3 Days Grace

I quit drinking 42 days ago, and what prompted me to take up this goal “for real this time” was that it’s been on my list for 3 years and it sunk in that I’m mortal and that it’s a gift to be able to wake up in the morning.

But then there was the last 8 days, where my mood has been awful. I hesitate to use the “D” word, but let’s just say I’ve been intensely sad for no reason I could figure out, and felt like doing nothing, because it seemed nothing was capable of making me happy. Of course drinking seemed like a great idea and the cravings came back, but I never gave in.

Today I snapped out of it, which is why I’m here recommitting to this goal. I read that to break a habit, it helps to list out some reasons for why you’re doing it, to remind yourself when you’re tempted. (I think this is probably B.S. and to break a habit you have to focus on how there’s no benefit to the thing you’re abusing… but I’m giving this a shot.)

• Drinking accelerates time. Looking forward to drinking makes me rush through times when I’m sober, and I noticed it takes enjoyment away from life. I love that feeling in the morning, where you get out of bed and attack the day… and hangovers blow that away.
• The guilt. All I can say is that the only time I can stand what I see in the mirror is when I haven’t been binge drinking.
• It’s a confidence killer.

This may be a sort of mental placebo, where I now am blaming alcohol for every wrong in my life. “If only I wasn’t a lush I would be a star soccer player and I’d be able to get a masters degree” and on and on. That belief is flawed, since I’m not special and don’t have fantastic natural talent to do those things.

But, I don’t want to be on my death bed wondering, “did I meet my potential?” If I fail, my conscience will be clear knowing that I at least tried, and I won’t have “choosing beer over my potential” on my list of regrets.

Quitting alcohol does not make me happy on its own, and my nights have been boring. But it has given me the time to commit to other activities like working out regularly and giving speeches which I’ve never had the courage to do before. It’s undeniable that I am in my prime right now and am still getting better and accomplishing goals.

So, it’s been very helpful to list out the things that would make this year a success. I definitely have a problem with focus; I bite off more than I can chew and the most important/hardest things fall by the wayside.

A perfect example is my checked-out stack of library books, which I’m sure makes my friends think I am schizophrenic, with the numerous subjects… when there’s not enough time to read all of them. Another example: while at work it is so easy to sit down and do nothing but answer emails, BUT my mantra lately has been “what is the one thing I can do or make progress on that is the most important?”

Anyway, the same thing happened with my 43 Things list, which has goals that I care about, but many are distracting from what is truly most important. I started listing out all my values, to see which goals I want to focus on. Note I followed the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and listed out things as if they had been accomplished already, to help with visualising a positive outcome.

My Dogma (or the things I value the most)

• I don’t drink alcohol or pop
• exercise regularly (4 times a week)
• am a runner (6 miles)
• play soccer
• am comfortable shirtless

Achievement – I productively use my time and constantly improve myself, set goals, and focus on progress towards them.

• am a reader
• learn Java

• have clear skin
• join (and participate in) Toastmasters
• overcome my fear of public speaking
• gain weight
• get a tan

• I am saving enough to retire comfortably
• I spend less than I earn

It’s dawning on me that there has been literally no progress made on any of my goals this year.

• Regularly go to the gym. I feel close on this one, but need to work on consistency and making this a habit.
• Be serious about Toastmasters – participate more, give speeches regularly, & make progress on the Competent Communicator
• Totally quit drinking for a solid period of time, like 90 days. I don’t want to look at my past and be saying things like: “I could’ve had a better 5K time if I wasn’t hung over; I would’ve learned so much more if my nights weren’t wasted on drinking.”
• Learn Java – be able to code an entire project myself, especially the gazillion frameworks you need to get things working.

I am fit, do not waste time on things like drinking, and am confident enough to speak my mind [trying to visualise!]