fattybangbang

I decided to let go of what I thought marriage was to be and embrace my own. I am not abused, I am loved and sometimes misunderstood. When or if its ever time to abandon my vows… I will consider it seriously and only within good reason.

Okay,,,
I take diet pills.
I take water pills.
I eat about 800 calories a day. sometimes more but never over 1500. 1500 is a VERY BAD DAY.

a typical day is

about 3 wedges of grapefruit, half a cup of cottage cheese, two boiled egg whites, one strawberry, four grapes, two cups of green tea, one starbucks strawberry bananna yogurt parfait, a slice of bread with a teaspoon of peanut butter on it OR a slice of cheese and glasses of water.

sometimes, I omit the parfait and do a small garden salad with half of a chicken breast and balsamic vinegar.

at this rate, I have been losing about a pound a day.
One part of me hates this. I know its not healthy, I know that I can damage my body. At the same time, what works matters far more to me than health at this point which really lets me know that I have a big problem.
Everyone I look at, i look to see how small they are. People I used to think were slender dont seem so thin to me anymore. I know that at the rate I am going I can be a lot thinner than they are in a fairly short amount of time.
The most I have ever lost was nine pounds in FIVE days. I will admit that lack of discipline, that means ONE day of binge eating can put up to three pounds on me.
I weigh myself EVERY day and EVERY night. I feel like a slave to the scale because I obsess so often.
I want to stop but I cant.
I wont say I am anorexic because I dont work out. and I eat, I just eat VERY little. Plus, I am FAT people. I am not skinny and think I am fat. If you put my weight on a chart it will say I am overweight.
I know that i have a problem because I count every calorie I take in and calculate every calorie that I can burn off just by walking. I pop some sort of app suppressant or water pill EVERY day. I used to say I want to stop once I reach my goal weight, but now I think my goal wleight has changed. 146 sounded so good to me but i know i would feel better if I were 125 or 130.
another issue is that I have discovered all sorts of tricks to pull on my body. Like, if i eat very little calories, I tend to reach a plateau. Next thing I know my body is storing fat… so I increase my cal intake by a hundred and the next thing you know I am back to burning it all off.

anyone ever feel like this?

I most likely will never do the cleanse again. However, lately I certainly DO NOT eat just because. i have been taking appetite suppressant pills and water pills. They really help me lose intrest in the food. I am hoping I can adopt the habit after about a month of taking them. I know this isnt safe, but being thin means the world to me.