I'm doing 35 things
My relationship with EE just continues to get better on all levels. As we learn more about each other, the intimacy increases, and I’m more and more in love with her, and more and more awed at how great a fit we are for each other. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out.
We’ve gotten together with her siblings several times now, and they’re fun to be around, joke with, even argue with. Good people!
I got to meet her three daughters this last weekend – went up to her place in the mountains Saturday morning. We stopped for donuts on the way, picked up her oldest from a slumber party, then arrived at the huge house she splits with her parents. After a tour of the place and some chatting with her mom and dad, the girls piled onto EE’s king-size bed with us to watch “Napoleon Dynamite” and snack on chips, salsa, and sour cream. We spent the afternoon swinging on a rope swing and playing games, then the evening cooking steak, sauteed mushrooms, baked potatoes, broccoli, and garlic cheese bread for dinner, and later roasting marshmallows for s’mores over a bonfire. I was highly complimented when, after dinner, we needed to drive to the store for marshmallows, and the oldest said that if I was going, THEY wanted to go too! Needless to say, we had a fantastic time. I spent the night… ;) The next day EE and I slept in, then while the two younger girls attended church with their grandparents, the oldest girl joined us on the bed for “Superbad”. When the others got home, we said goodbye and headed down to her brother and his girlfriend’s house for fried, fresh-caught fish and conversation (and dirty Mad Libs, a family favorite). We got to spend a few hours at my place afterward, before she had to head home, and she decided to come back down this morning and climb into bed with me, then take me to run a few errands (my car is still in the shop). It was so lovely waking to the feel of her warm, soft skin against me!
Another milestone-sort-of-thing…it recently struck me that I’m about to turn 35, and that if I ever want to have a kid, I’d need to do it soon – otherwise I’d have to either adopt, or forget about it. It’s a life experience that I really think I’d like to have. I tried a few times to get up the nerve to talk to EE about it, find out how she felt about that, but couldn’t…until a couple of weeks ago, she told me in an email that she’d dreamed she had gotten me pregnant! I didn’t say much in response, wanting to talk in person, so that weekend, as we lay in bed, I asked her if she wanted to know something funny about her dream. She seemed very interested, and I, though still pretty uncomfortable about it, was able to tell her that I’d been thinking about whether I wanted to and/or was practically able to have a baby at some point. She responded positively, hugging me and saying something about how I shouldn’t let financial or logistical considerations stand in my way, if it was something I really wanted, and that she understood it was a big choice. We talked about it more the next evening, as we relaxed in the bath together, and she specifically said she had felt very warm and close to me when I’d told her what had been on my mind. She asked if it was something I wanted to do on my own or would want help with, and I told her the main reason I’d waited this long was that I HADN’T wanted to do it on my own. She told me that she loves babies, and basically that she loved the idea of me having one, of being with me for that. On Monday, I received an email from her which contained this: “All I can say is that I feel intense joy to think about the possibility of helping you through pregnancy and raising a child. I suppose that the term “helping you” isn’t quite accurate. I would love to, if possible, raise a child TOGETHER:).”
I mean…DAMN. This woman is so completely amazing.
There is one thing that’s been bothering me a little – not about her, but about me. I’ve noticed that with some of the really emotional things we’ve talked about, in some of the really intensely intimate moments, I feel the powerful, overwhelming emotions, but things that would have choked me up and brought tears to my eyes in the past, don’t now. It’s like I can feel the emotions intellectually, if that makes sense, but not so much physically, on that primal level. I’m thinking it has to do with my experiences with my ex, and how the emotions were so intense with her, and that led to such negative situations and emotions…and maybe that has created sort of a block, a protective barrier. Like I’m having trouble letting go and fully FEELING those wonderfully intense emotions. As soon as I have my car back, I plan to talk to a counselor and hopefully find out about ways to get past that. I want to enjoy this to the fullest possible extent, and I want to be able to fully express to her how much I love and appreciate her!
Oooh. It also just occurred to me that I probably still have a little bit of the I-don’t-really-deserve-this thing going on. Damn baggage. Heh. Intellectually, I know I DO deserve this incredible woman’s love and this beautiful relationship we’re building. I know I’ll convince my subconscious of it, too. :)
