fightingfordearlife

Its day one, but I’ve made it. I feel as if I’m in a large hole, and I’m reaching for a reason to climb out of it. Its like I’m fighting against my own nature. But I know that if I don’t, my “own nature” will kill me. I’m fighting thoughts, emotions, and even memories. I’ve been entrapped for so long that I’m tearing a piece of my own soul out. It hurts, and yet its necessary. I was at my second job today, and even my eyes were playing tricks on me. I don’t want to sound crazy, but I am fighting something other than just myself, and whatever it is doesn’t want me to stop this, and that makes me want to all the more. I gotta pray more.

I want to do this. In my opinion, joining a symphony is the end all be all to my trombone playing….for now anyway. I know that I can do this. I will become the greatest trombone player who ever lived.

I consider myself a positive person already, but at my job I find that I can become quite cynical. I keep falling into the trap of talking about people behind their back. It tears me up inside, and I know that its not a good thing that I’m doing, even if they never find out. God knows all. I’m going to stop becoming Mr. Hyde and just be me.