fishpudding

I haven’t really, really bit them in 3 months. Sometimes if a nail breaks, I start to nibble on it a little bit, but it’s nothing like what I used to do. Over the years I’ve managed to not bite my nails for maybe a week or two, but this is definitely the longest I’ve ever gone.
What finally did it was a job I had this summer which kept me very busy, and my fingernails very dirty. If I had time to bite them, I didn’t want to because they were dirty. And when the job ended, I was still in the habit of not biting them.
So now after about 15 years of nail biting, I think I might finally be done. I still want to wait just a little bit longer before I cross it off my list, though.

I’ve spent so much time on this, analyzing my life, reading, watching other people, and then I realized that maybe I’m going about this in completely the wrong way. I’m trying to find myself by looking outside of myself. But who I am should be found inside. If I find myself by looking at others, then what I’ve found can’t really be me. I believe I can learn things about myself from other people, but who I am on the most basic level, my identity, should come from me. I should just know who I am.
This really scares me, because I’ve already tried to look inside myself, and not found anything. That’s why I started looking outside. So now I have to say, maybe there isn’t anything to find. Maybe there are extra people in the world, just floating around, with no purpose. I really want to be somebody. I want a passion, a purpose, dreams and goals. I want a life. I want people to miss me when I’m gone.
I’m really scared. I’ve asked myself over and over, “Who are you? What do you want to do?” And I don’t know, I just don’t know. I feel really left out. I feel like I missed something important. I don’t know where else to look. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’m not sure who said this, but I found this quote a while ago:
“Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. For what the world needs is more people who have come alive.”
I thought some of you might find it interesting.