flyleaf7682

This is crazy. I have more willpower than this. I used to, and it’s still there in me somewhere. This is the last time. Tomorrow I start over.

I binged again today. I ate healthy all day long, and then messed up at dinner. So I felt like I had undid my entire day, and binged. Tomorrow I’ll work out and I have to swear to myself I won’t binge. The more I do it, the harder it gets to stop. I don’t know why I torture myself like this! And I’m so scared of gaining weight. Thank God I’ve got a super fast metabolism, but that can only help for so long! Idk. Did I mention I want to become a pastry chef? Yeah, we’ll see how far that goes.

So this is my first blog thing. I’m on this website because I’m seeking support for binge eating.. I’ve talked to my Mom about it but it doesn’t really help.. I can’t tell my friends because.. Well they’ll probably think I’m wierd and just not understand. Anyways, I’m gonna tell you my story, just so anyone that reads this (if anyone does) will know why I do what I do and how it got started. I’ve always been a health-nut, worker-outer great body kinda girl. Last summer I had to move in with my Dad and his girlfriend because my Mom left our home of 13 years for her husband who I absolutely despised. I was really depressed, I hated my Dad’s girlfriend, she hated me, and the thing that killed me was that I couldn’t hardly ever work out (except for occassionally in my room when I was allowed any privacy) and eating healthy was really hard, given my Dad and his g/f’s lifestyle. So Halloween of last year came around, and I went out with my Mom and sibilings. Yeah, I got candy, even though I’m 15, because I just wanted to do something with my sibilings that I missed a lot.. If that makes any sense. I ate a lot of candy that night, but I thought, “Okay, one night, it’s fine.” My Mom even told me it was fine. She always says I’m too skinny. I guess about a week later I was just feeling really depressed still and really, really tense about my entire living situation. I went to my closet, got out the bag of candy, and ate, and ate, and ate. The bag was entirely full, and over the course of the next 3 binges, I ate it all. And the bining continued on other things, even after the Halloween candy was gone. I would do it about once a week, after my Dad’s g/f went to bed (My Dad works 3rd shift). It just gave me something to look forward to after being tense and depressed all day. So my Mom leaves her husband in January, and I get to move back home!! I’m thinking, “YES! I’ll get to work out, eat healthy, feel comfortable in my own home, YES!! I’ll never feel the need to binge again.” I was wrong. If anything I’ve binged more since being home, because I don’y worry about being caught.. It’s easier to be sneaky about it here and not get caught, and there’s more junk food available because my brother and sister are still at those ages where they could care less what they eat. I don’t know why I binge! It’s like anytime I feel any major emotion, happy or sad, I binge. Or even sometimes when I’m just craving certain foods, I’ll binge. I’m so scared of gaining weight! I excersise and everything, and I can go all day eating perfectly healthy and beinge active, and then come 7 p.m. or so and I’m hungry.. I’ll reach for the cookies, Hershey bars, Snickers, Ice cream.. Whatever’s there. And I’ll always tell myself “Tomorrow you start your completely healthy, binge-free life. This will be your last binge.” I said that to myself as recent as last night! So far I’ve lived up to my promise, but I can’t help but wondering if I’ll relapse again, as I have so many times before. I really want support.. I think it would help me stop. And I’ll be 100% there for anyone else who needs help. Anyway that I can help someone get over this horrible problem would be a privilege.