I'm doing 43 things
my parents.
everyone probably blames their parents. i never realized before now that my fear of commitment stemmed from parents. this is the first time i pinpointed them as part of the source.
thing is, i feel like they shouldn’t be together, although if they weren’t together, they’d fall apart. they need each other, but the want is not there. and honestly, should they go through divorce proceedings, it would be really hard on me to see to it that they were both stable. it would be a mess to clean up, and i’m not sure i’m strong enough to undertake such a mending task.
i talked to my mom last night and my father was in trouble. again. he forgot that my mom’s best friend’s daughter’s engagement party was last night. he forgot, but on the same night he had a concert for a volunteer choir he’s part of. what did he do? he decided to go perform. my mom said she yelled at him just enough so that he’d know he did something wrong, but not enough that he could excuse her disapproval and frustration for being a “bitch.”
now i’ve only heard one side of the argument. but most of my life, i’ve seen (and inappropriately heard) that one side of the argument. my dad never really defends himself, he’s not around to. my mom can be difficult to live with, i’ll admit. but they both are.
thing is i know why my mom is still with him. she’s choosing financial stability over happiness. although, honestly, i’m not sure she’d be happy alone either. and she does have a fondness towards him, there is most definitely affection their, but it’s not love.
i’ve never been in love, but i sure hope that means when i am, i’m in it for good. that it’s lasting and that love keeps me in a relationship through the rough stuff, not a sense of responsibility, or a need to stay in it.
i realize that i need to change this goal somehow; tweak the semantics. i don’t know how, though. i just know that commitment is not maybe i just need to tack the word “want” to the front.
any suggestions? i know i have at least 8 people subscribed to me. i’d appreciate it if anyone could offer suggests on refining my goal.
