So unsure of everything. Regarding my last entry about this goal, I know now that I don’t want a career in the postal service. Having this job for the past half a year has made that clear. Right now I am about to get back to school, but I completely unsure of myself. I still want to work at a library, but I just don’t know how to make that happen…
Coming off my depression and anxiety medications has left me very… depressed and anxious. He has been wonderful about it, like he always is. But it has been difficult lately. I get so paranoid that I’m bothering him or putting too much pressure on him to make me feel better. I need to be with him too much to avoid seeing him like I can everyone else in the world, but he’s the person whose opinion matters the most to me. I feel like I constantly need to seek out reassurance that I am wanted but am terrified of being rejected, and end up hypersensitive to everything he says and does. I go through horrible mood swings and can’t get through a day without crying. I know it’s not my fault, but I feel so guilty… I am determined to make this up to him. Right now all I can do is try to explain what I’m going through and tell him how much it means to me that I have him to help me through it. But it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to find some way to show him…
It really kills my confidence to look in the mirror and see how tired and sick and worn out I look, and nothing I do seems to help. I had been doing so well for so long, so I really feel like I’ve taken a step backwards. But I’m just going to have to live with it until I start feeling better again…
I have had my job for three months, and that’s also when I decided I was going to manage my money responsibly since I sort of blew everything I earned when I had my last job as soon as I got it. But this is my first real job, and I wanted to do it right. So I’ve been using Excel to track my purchases and how much money I have coming in and going out. I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, but there’s a lot of room for improvement too. There have been a few times when I ran out of money before my next paycheck and had to use a credit card for gas and such. And when I had to get new tires it completely wiped out my savings account. But now I’ve gotten it back to where it should be. I’ve been trying to put $100 from each paycheck into savings. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s all I can afford at the moment.
It can be depressing, seeing how quickly paying just for food and gas eats up what I’ve earned, and not being able to buy anything fun for myself, but that’s the way it is. I had thought I might be able to this week since I had gotten a really nice paycheck and had put more in savings than I needed to according to my rules, and thought if it was still there by my next one I’d go to the bookstore or something, but then my auto insurance bill came in and killed that idea. But right now I’m very determined to move out of this house as soon as I can, and for that I need money, so I’m willing to make sacrifices so I can save up instead so I can take the opportunity to move out when it comes…
“Overcome depression and anxiety” had been my main goal for years, and it’s been a year and a have since I marked that as complete and things have been great since then. And over that time I’ve been coming off my medications one by one. And I was on a lot of them… the doctor I had been seeing for this stuff since I was 17 was a hack and just kept putting me on more and more. At the end of last year I finally found a new doctor and he’s started the process of taking me off of everything. Some have been easy, and I just stopped taking them and felt no change whatsoever. Others have been complete hell, physically and emotionally. Now I have two more that I’m dealing with, and it’s on the hell end of that scale. I had been weaning myself off of Lexapro and stopped taking it completely about a month ago, and have been trying to cut back on the Ativan for the past few weeks. It hasn’t been easy, but at least these are the last few.
I see my doctor tomorrow and I really do need to talk to him and be reassured that what I’m going through is normal. I know it is, but it’s just frightening. I’m feeling the old depression and anxiety coming back, and I need to know it’s just the withdrawal and not a relapse.
I’ve been avoiding my friends for the past few weeks, and don’t like how I’ve been with my boyfriend either. I cry all the time and am so insecure, I constantly fear that I’m bothering him and am putting too much pressure on him to make me feel better. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just the withdrawal and things will get better. The Seroquel was worse than this, and I got through that. But it just reminds me why I was put on the stuff in the first place, and makes me afraid that I really do need it…
It’s heartening to read over the entries I’ve made for this goal over the past four years. I’m not going to mark it as complete quite yet, but soon. I don’t think I really have much further to go with it. I’m doing everything and paying for everything on my own now, and can’t think of anything more to work on other than to just keep doing what I’m doing. I feel like the next step is to move out of my mom’s house and get my own place, but that may be a little while more and depends on other circumstances that I’m going to have to wait on and see how they turn out…
I feel like I’m learning a lot. There are a few things that I am still not sure about, but I’m taking notes and the lady training me said she’d print out some guides to different things that she think will help me learn the system. The biggest thing is that I actually enjoy this job, and it’s what I want to be doing. I’m being encouraged by my boyfriend’s family to stick with this and become a Postmaster, and his sister, who is a Postmaster and helped me get this job has been such a great help to me and wants to help me become the same. So all of this has me extremely determined to succeed at this. This sort of motivation is a new feeling for me, and it feels great.
The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
The Borrowers by Mary Norton
The Borrowers Afield by Mary Norton
The Borrowers Afloat by Mary Norton
Last month I decided I was finally going to give this goal the attention it needed, and I have definitely been reading more in the past month. When I was in school I read constantly, whenever I had a free moment. I want to get back to that, because I honestly just love books and I think it’ll make me happier and also proud of myself. So from now on I am keeping track of the books I read each month. One day it will be a habit again, and then I will mark this goal as complete.
What I need to do is first figure out is my insurance covers any dental stuff. Then figure out how much it is going to cost me just to get a cleaning and looking over, then start saving up that money. And if the dentist discovers other work that needs to be done, figure out how much it’s going to cost and start saving up for that.
Looking at my last entry, written six months ago, all the things I listed under “Things to work on” I now do regularly, without even thinking about it, no problem at all. So…
Progress:- I arrange and go to all of my doctor’s appointments on my own, including when I need to get blood drawn or see my gynecologist.
- I always handle getting my prescriptions filled on my own
- I do all of my banking on my own, and set up online access to my bank account
- I’ve grown much more comfortable with driving places. If I’m going to an area I’m not familiar with, I map out my course in advance using Google Maps and have no problems.
- Now that I have a job I can start providing more for myself and not relying on my mother for money all of the time.
- I am going to set up another banking out. This way I will have a savings account and a checking out that I can use a debit card with. Savings account will be only used to save money for the future, and I plan to put a good deal of money in it each paycheck.
- I would like to move out of my parent’s house sometime within the next couple years. So I need to learn to manage my money well. Start filling up that savings account. And also start taking on more responsibility when it comes to my bills, like paying my own phone bill and for my own gas.
Before I was considering that I might want to become a librarian, and was trying to get back into college courses to start moving towards that goal. But the whole time I kept doubting if I’d really be able to do it and if it was really what I wanted. I mean, I would love to be a librarian, but there’s just a lot of schooling involved, and I’ve had so much trouble when it comes to school because of various personal obstacles.
But now I have a new plan. One I am very excited about. I just started a new job as a Post Master Relief. My plan now is to stick with this job, work my way up, and eventually become an actual Post Master. And once I’m there, who knows. Larger post offices offer more pay, and there are other opportunities to move up into management and such. I’m not sure how it all works yet, but I am going to research it and come up with a plan of action.
I haven’t been to the dentist since before I got braces when I was 13. I am nearly 22 now… This is a problem. I have a ton of cavities, including one that I’m afraid is going to mean a pulled tooth or something else drastic. I’ve told my mother repeatedly that I need to see a dentist, but she hasn’t done anything about it. There’s not really anything else I can do about it now without the money to pay for it on my own.
Yeah, the Target thing didn’t last past January, so since then I’ve been looking for another job. I am actually about to mark this as done. I have been hired by the Post Office, and yesterday was my last day of the three-day orientation. The only problem is there is some confusion about where I am working. I am right now waiting for a call back from headquarters to see what they tell me. Unfortunately they said they’d call me back in ten minutes, and that was about half an hour ago. I am about to call them back. I will mark this as complete once I feel secure that this is going to work out…
I woke up at 6:15 this morning, which is the new norm for me. For me I just had to get off of the medication I was on and now my sleep patterns have developed into something normal. I’m sleeping less, have more energy during the day, am getting more done and am feeling great. All of this after being on medications for nearly five years that had me tired constantly and sleeping 10+ hours a night.
I had my appointment with the new doctor a two weeks ago and I loved him. My next appointment is next week. I am so happy with the changes he made to my medications. The main reason I wanted a new doctor, and this one in particular is because I wanted to get the medications I’m on reevaluated because I just wasn’t comfortable with the amount I was on, and it’s been greatly reduced, and I’m feeling great about it! Completely worth doing! And now I wont have to deal with my old doctor… This one actually cares about me and talks to me and asks questions, I feel I can grow a lot working with him. A lot of thanks to my therapist for referring me.
I did email my therapist, and she recommended a doctor right away, and said she’d send him a fax and told me to tell the receptionist that she referred me. So I did so, and now I have an appointment with him next week! Very happy about this.
Progress:
- Created a Daily Beauty Regiment I have been following, and any new changes I plan to follow as well.
- Being able to buy clothes I like and suit my style, and taking care of them by washing them myself.
- Buying pretty panties and bras and keeping them in good condition.
- Learning that among my group of friends I’m considered very pretty, charming and desirable.
- Finding bath and beauty products that I like.
Things to work on:
- More nice, pretty bras and panties.
- Taking better care of my clothes—using clothes hangers and my dresser, using a hamper instead of leaving clothes lying around.
- Find more accessories that match my style.
- Find the best lotion to help my dry skin and keratosis pilaris.
- Find the best chapstick to help my constantly chapped lips.
Progress:
- Everything that has made me more independent.
- I finally have a job! I’m not spending my days sitting at home doing absolutely nothing productive.
- I have a wonderful, amazing boyfriend whom I adore, and is my best friend and my touchstone. Knowing I will always have him to support me and take care of me has given me so much more confidence in dealing with the world and other people.
- I have friends now! Real friends. I have people who like me, who like being around me! People who find me interesting, sweet, funny, smart, pretty. And knowing that they do and that they are there to support me gives me so much more confidence.
- I am secure with how I look and how I dress. Knowing I look good gives me that extra confidence.
- I’m finally doing well in my classes. I have an A in both, and the semester is half-way over.
Things to work on:
- To become closer to the friends I do have.
- To speak clearly and confidently, and voice my opinion.
- Really continue to work at my classes. Don’t lose it when everything’s going so well. And stop procrastinating!
- Be confident and calm enough to hang out in the B-Lounge with everyone.
