fruityball

No matter where you go, there you are.
Just to be clear, it isn’t neccesarily that I am unhappy, at least not overall. There is a lot in my life that I love. I have a wonderful son, I am intelligent and have a great sense of humor. I am almost done with Grad School.I just bought some really great shoes (strappy red Stiletto’s- awesome!).
I think that problem is that everyone’s defintion of “happiness” is different. I am going through a a bad break-up. I am angry. I am bitter. I am unhappy about this. However, there are other things that I am happy about. Is it possible to compartmentalize the certain parts of your life that suck and still be happy?

...that I am a chameleon. I am gregarious, fun to be with and a great person. But I wonder if that is really who I am. Hell, I don’t have a clue at this point. How does a person get this far in life and not have a clue about who they really are? Do most people never stop to think about this? Are we all just a bunch of sheeple shuffling from one life event to another, without ever taking the time to relfect? And in the end, does it really matter if we know who we are, deep down, where it counts?
I want to find out who I am. What do I want from a man? Why do I get taken advantage of? What if I get bitter, then what? Oh geez, there are a gazillion questions and probably not a whole lot of answers. This is my quest for the next year. Only, how do I start?

The thing is, I don’t usually get angry. Or at least not this angry. I am at the stage in my life when I am looking back on a failed, dead end relationship with a selfish, self centered man and think: “I have just wasted 4 years of my life.” What do I have to show for it? Nothing.Nada.Bpukus.Zilch. I don’t even have that many good memories. What the hell happened to me anyways? I am smart. I am kind. I am apparently a total dumbass for putting up with this loser for so long.
I don’t know how to get over this anger. I guess time is what I need and a whole lot of space from the loser, but right now, keying his car sounds like so much fun (kidding, I am too nice of a person to do something like that).
I don’t know what to do….