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I had people I trusted at work and I learned I can’t trust them. Now I feel like I have to be a hermit and stay away from everyone for fear that someone will just “think” I might be talking. The worst thing is the last person was so hurt and I was one of the people standing up for them.

I’m on the phone all day at work so the last thing i want to do when I get home is be on the phone with friends. I feel bad but I know they want to talk to me. And especially right now since I bought a new house and they all want to hear how great it is and such. I suck.

Here is what happens after you do this. The family member finds you, or learns you are dead. First comes the shock. The disbelief, the horror and the sadness. We all say “why” and then we start to search for notes and signs and reasons. It doesn’t even matter if you leave a note cause it will never, NEVER explain to us why you left us. Why you did this to US!!! You are thinking only of yourselves, you are being selfish and you think no will notice you are gone, or the world will be better without you. But you are wrong, so very very wrong. We will be left behind. We will be the ones who have to clean up the mess your act has left behind. The medics don’t do it, the police don’t do it, the family has to. We are the ones who live in the grief and sadness and guilt. Oh the horrible horrible black guilt we feel. Why didn’t we do something? Why didn’t you tell us it was this bad? Why didn’t you trust us to help you? Why? Why? Why? What could have been so horrible that you did this to yourself and left us here to suffer alone without you now? Why did you do this us? Didn’t you love us? Didn’t you care about us? Didn’t we matter to you are all? It’s now 6 months after you have died. We are now depressed. We have lost weight, a black cloud hangs over every holiday. We find no cheer in anything and friends worry about us. They know we are still greiving for you but they don’t understand. We have your picture everywhere, at our office, on the fridge, next to the bed, in our wallets. You are constantly with us along with the heavy cloud of sorrow we carry. The year anniversery is coming up. We go to your grave and spend the day sitting with you. We cry, we mourn, we scream, we yell, we ask why, we get no answers. The second year we begin to hate you, hate you for what did, hate you for putting us thru this, hate you for putting your family thru this, hate you for making all thise people who loved you suffer like this. This doesn’t last long, then we put you on a pedistal. You are the perfect person, you did no wrong. This was all a mistake, maybe someone broke in and did this to you. You would have never done this, your life was too perfect and you were a happy person. This lasts longer….Another year passes, things are a little better, but not by much. Holidays should be drapped in black in our view, and we only attend them because we are forced to, after all, you aren’t there so it isn’t worth celebrating. This anniversery of your death we sit at your grave but this time we only talk to you and ask why? We are coming to terms with the fact you are gone but never to terms with why. Years pass, it’s been 5 years now. Every year on your birthday it feels as a black cloud decends over us. All those special days we shared are ruined now. Looking at your picture makes our hearts ache. We know that we will never understand the “why” you did what you did, we only know that our souls aches for the loss of you and we are empty for you.

I speak from experience. Please think about your mom, dad, wife, husband, son, daughter, granddaugher, grandson, or friend before you do this act. Please know that they will feel this way. No matter what, you aren’t alone.