well after i get the 3 month extension i have done nearly nothing for 1.5 moths. also with a paralysed social life locking myself home. now i am in front of my computer freaking otu again. you will think i am a stupid person and this thesisi is too much for me. no not.. it is just this thing has been here for so long. it has become a nightmare. what i am doing is not important anymore. i have made it a big obstacle in front of my minf an mental helath. :S:S :D. lets see i am bored even talking about it. will try to achieve something today between my panic attacks. i am scared from my thesis instructor also. :( she has lost her faith in me and is angry at me now.
not a guru but i have mentored someone.. actually several people. with kids i mean newbie engineers by the way.I have knowledge of the work we are doing. ..i can say that it is accomplished. ahahah actually it is not, but i am cheating. there is no further point to go in the area i am in.. i feel like i am stuck at telecommunications . i should switch to some HW/SW design .. or i should spice it all up. can not be a guru more in any of them .. can be a happy ameteur however. dunno.. i will check it out you can not stop me ….... done… :D
i now i can not pursue my boring shob. i want to spice it up.. i have several projects in my mind. one of them is designing objects and awkward things.. being a computer engineer these things will also be electronic , programmed … whatever the need. I need a quick industrial design discipline to be taught. i can not get a bs or ms.. may be an ms can be taken if they allow me to.. since i am from another discipline. workshops etc.. then i will have a better insight i suppose. :):):)
it will be perfect..
i have monitored my before and after fat mas with tanita scale. just for one month period. i was a newbie a month ago.i did running, bike, air trainer etc.and did weights, abdominal.3 to 4 days a week . more tahn 1.5 hours. and i have only lost 0.5 fat. no i have not been eating madly or anything. i ate a bit more but i stucked to my old eating diet.did not incresed it too much.and all after one month just 0.5 fat is this normal ?my body fat is % 28 ..too much, it isnot that i am in my limits. i was so demotivated today that i could hardly do what i had to do
They create installations for stage shows concerts, museums. Their work cocsist of lights, cameras, movement, sound.. There may be artists, electonic negineers and computer engineers behind the work. i definitely bet there must a computer guy that progmram the light and sound interction with the movements of objects. What ever this is something i would be thrilled to be a prt of ..it can be a in smaller scale also . it need not be a whole museum lighted. art and engineering. please, please, can i do this omeday. can i build robots and stageshows and art. may e someday… be it soon.. i have to work on this. By the way they have instaleld something to her etoo. they have come all the way here for bienal and i was not aware of it by then .they installed coloured lighting to a huge building’santral’ the color of the building changes by light. if i knew i would stare while they were working so long that they would have to talk to me.
well i was inspired by his books and read ‘on the road’ several times. i have changed a bit since i am an employee and may be i felt more settled and grown up in passing years. but this has to be listed since the lifestyle mentioned have always inspired me. it has been internalized. although it is not a hot topic anymore it is something alwyas have been longed.
the famous speech and life of Steve Job. I wander if there is any time taht i will direct my life with this mantra.
1 Frederic Kaplan – works in EPFL.. he invents futuristic devices … robots, interactive furniture, new forms of computers
2 Gregory Makhov – designs laser equipment for entertainment industry. light shows..
3 Mary Lou Jepsen – had gone under several healt issues including cancer and now produces laptops for children in underdeveloping countries.. she was not accepeted as a professor though she was by chance got the job she was so ezited even she could hardly sleep.
i have done this in summer for 30 mins. was fun. i was not skilled. but this was somethign i have been looking for.
now the reason i remembered this becaus ei want to do it again.. in winter… with mud and brown smalll water ponds. lookin for it. splashing mud everywhere. i am marking it as done however because i have done it once :D..
i am the most anti -exercise perso ever. i had always been so bored in gym. also i am too afraid of building muscles. i have contributed to a fitness class last month. this is so beatiful that i do not get bored. smiling coaches all around and pilates , spinning taebo classes additionally . i never get bored and i am excited to go there in the evenings. when it is all over i feel great. i still fear of getting chunky and building muscles. because i have muscular body type and i have slimmed down doing nothing and eating my muscles as well as fat also. muscles have a huge volume :(. i want to be slim. so whatever. i will burn down the fat first. if i get muscular again i will burn down some of the muscles withouth adding fat. then i will be slim .i will continue to go fitness club. I have done spinning today .it was awesome and pain giving. it worths the money and the time.
i have presented for 15 mins. they were disappointed with the work i do and was so stucked with the missing parts that they did not realize what i have completed. and because the jury was more related with the missing part thing. graph theory and hw/sw partitioning.. mine has an AI part also. may be one of the juries should be from AI major. AI part was all surpassed. Or maybe if i had someone from AI major, he/she would insult that part too. Anyway they wanted me to complete many things. And my advisor said if these parts are not done, never present to us after 3months time. how shit this is.. it is an innovative idea and sorry for being it not perfect. may be i should make t perfect and sell it to cadence. nad i am still not relieved because i am seeing my advisor this firday and everyweek after that.. to keep everything under control.. i wanna live.. i have so many projects in my mind. what ever.. if my advisor have not ruined all the work iahve done i would be still enthusiastic to take my thesis to upcoming contest about processors. may be i still will. because i think it is innovative :D:D:D .. hahaha i am a know it all am i not. :)
the list would not be complete without him. i have known him since 2000. He is capable of everything. always positive to life. always enthusuastic and has a child wonder. Deals with a lot of hobbies and completes whatever he starts. a doer, not a dreamer like me. self confident, just the opposite of me. his approach to life inspires me. in some cases i even find myself thinking how easily he would have amanged this situation, and how he would act. i wish .. whatever.. anyway :)
i saw her in the resort we went skiing for 30 mins. she was a friend of our friends. she was so easy going. so relax. naturally beuatiful but not as a common beauty, with her relax distorted smile and freckles and red hair. Not an always chherful type. she was charismatic , resembled a bit like tori amos in “what if god was one of use video “she was the woman that would laugh at the norms dictated for woman. yet she was feminine. she had this less masculine husband and they looked so sweet. she was watching her husband learn skiing and then decided she would teach her because she has been skiing since she was 5. if i were a man , i would be crashed on her. nothing above could tell why i am inspired. i was not astonished because she is an awesome skier. no it is because she is so relax and carelessly beatiful. i am so stuck at the feminity and the beauty that is dictated nowadays and feel trapped in it that she was the sole example of how stupid these norms are. i believe she and her husband somewhere laughing right now and having great time not trying to be perfect.
thw whole package. i do not how i am inspired. but i am paralysed with the work this guy does. his voice etc. his work is astonishing. i love all the music. i love the darkness of the music. i love his voice. the sexy vibe. i love the volume work he has done with V&A. i wanted to do something like that. but mostly the elite sexy darkness of it. i do not know i have tried to put it into words. let me put it like this. i can listen to inertia creeps all day. plan things, dress up , eat, live with this music. something like that..
there is an engineer in the place i work.. we have walked nearly the same path of life. he is a lot older than me. graduated from the universities i have and i consider him an inspiration not because he is an engineer but he is more than that. he has been interested in music for so long. knows a lot about music. has a group which well known . he tours and makes records. he is a professional musician lets say. i adore him being cdapabel fo such a work. partying, loving electronic music, producing rock music ,cheerful, skillfull, an engineer, a technic guy. he shows this is possible to me. i do want to produce music..
ok i am a wanna do it all.. i have not may things in 43 list. but new ones are creeping lately there is no where to wirte them so i am writing it here. i do not want to give up any of the items.. i tought of marking as done some of the items like be more self confident , cause there are times i have felt it but it is not completed yet. i do not own that pursuit yet.
here i am writing in the most irnoic item. spend less time on internet, which i am spending while writing this..
- i want to learn and do go go dance. not on a high paltform and not for show.just i love the club muisc and dancing
- i want to learn sailing with a boat
- go to antarctica
- get a bike and ride it
- sell sth…stuff , fabric, wigs ,own design ,used clothes.. etc
- i want to learn computer animation and make animation movies.. first is the furious machine
i have a treadmill at home which i do not ever use. i got several pilates cds which i do not use etiher. i was looking for a fitness saloon near my home. today while i was retirning from work to home i told this to my colleague. he said he has seen a place and we went to check it out and we registered at the same time. it is a lot expensive and i do not have enough money to spend for average living. i wil give it a try and see if it worths. there they have pilates, spining lessons and i do wnt to join those. i do not know lets see.
just seen it on spiraljettys list and searched what it is looks good. i will try to find it in my booksotre
just returned from my 3 day holiday. i have taken skiing lessons there for 3 hours and can now ski on low sloped hills. i learnt to use the tele-ski also which i have fallen several times. :) At first i gave up and thought i will never manage to control. But after one hour lesson with the teacher i was sliding down the slope slowly with a smile on my face. i have overcome my fear. Next time i hope i will have the courage to go faster and learn paralel skiing and ski more steep hills. Also that tele-ski thing is another fear to overcome. It once stucked into my jacket and i was not able to get it out so i slided some way up laying on the snow. I was laughing when i got rid of it though. No injuries.Because i did not go fast none of my falls were injuring also .. just one guy ski right on to me fast and hit me. that is the only pain i’ve got.
i have done this .. just for 2 days.. to the most beuatiful scenery , at the most beautiful time of the year, when every shade of greens and reds exist in the nature. this has not been just camping but at the same time a soul journey. i had one close friend with me. we were so loaded emotionally. i dont know why. it was first camping experience of us both. we cried and laughed intensely, may be because we weere closer to nature.. detox for the soul. how i want to do it again. it will never be the same however. i saw fog on the lake. i saw sun fusing though the trees. i have gathered wood for the camp fire. ok it is not detils but the whole experience..we are trapped in grey buildings of the city and our emotions are so modified. we can not differentiate the fake from the natural anymore. pathetic city creatures. :( i want to live close to nature. :(