gem69

It is a real shame how two people who were madly in love and devoted to each other could suddenly one day experience heartache and unloving moments together. I loved my partner to bits, he was the first man in my life who I believed could love me unconditionally … what a great disappointment it was when I learn 2 years down the track that this was not so. It absolutely hurt me when he use to express his disapproval with whatever I did or wanted to do, and as result I ended up pleasing him so as to see him happy. I didn’t realise this until now and as a result I lost myself in the relationship … looking back I could never quite pick up what it was that made me so unhappy and now I understand. I just wish I had the strength and had retained the dignity, self-esteem and self-worth I once had, to say to him in a firm, confident manner, that I will not accept such treatment and that he needs to allow me the freedom to be myself or else he’s out of my life. Unfortunately, that’s not what I did. I acted scared, desperate, needy and extremely emotional …. how embarrassing! He did not once try to calm me down or show any concern about my feelings nor did he want to work through any issues together and I did. I wanted to put it all out on the table and be honest with each other about what was concerning each of us. He couldn’t handle my emotional state. I feel so ashamed by the way I acted, but i shouldn’t be too hard on myself for he provoked a lot of those emotions in me.

Anyway, it’s been 2 months since we broke up (he broke up with me over the phone) and I’m still struggling to keep my mind off him. I so want to put some closure on our relationship, but I want to do so by sitting down with him as I so want him to apologise to me for the pain, tears and heartache he’s caused me over the past year. I just wish I could get him to understand how feel, but I don’t think that he’s capable of handling such a task. I’m so disspointed … I so believed in us. I just don’t understand, he’s done so much for me and yet he hasn’t been able to love me for who I am, to enjoy life the way I want to, to love him the way I wanted to.

I’ve been doing all the right things … attend dance classes, go hiking, catch up with friends, getting therapy, trying to keep myself busy … but I still struggle particularly when I come home to an empty place that reminds me of what we had together. I know that I should move out, but it’s a bit hard when he still has his things with me and I don’t know when he coming back from overseas.

I know that I can still break free from his power, but it’s going to be a lot of hard work to do so. My ideal goal is to become the confident, secure and fun-loving person I once was … I want to feel so empowered so that when does return I will be able to close the door on him with my head up high.