I went to see Mother Meera recently. Didn’t do a thing for me. I queued up on my knees, received the blessing and stared into her eyes, searching, searching for something and nothing.
I had intended to leave a the beginning of the session because I found the whole thing so ridiculous. I’m not this guilable!? But I thought, well, I’ve come all this way so I may as well go through with it.
But having come home, I keep seeing references to her and I’ve been thinking about my own mum and then found out that my yoga teacher have something in common, mothers becoming ill and then having to find nursing homes for them. Other things have been resolving themselves or have become clearer. So question is, have these developments been because of her? Well of course, because if I hadn’t made the decision to go and then to take some time off around it, I wouldn’t have created the space for myself to do this work.
I’ve been going to OA meetings on and off for just over a year and although things have improved, I haven’t embraced the programme fully. I’ve reached my rock bottom and it’s not around the food but it’s around my feelings. I’ve been listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer’s work and he talks about the root of addiction lying in having “justified” resentments when in fact there are no justified resentments and that the key to getting well is to recognise the truth in that and to let them go, otherwise I’m just going to keep going round and round in circles and waiting for something in the future to get better and then life will be ok. I’ll lose 3 stone and then I’ll be ok. I’ll change jobs and then I’ll be ok. I’ll study for a diploma I don’t want and when I get it, I’ll be sorted. I’ll wait until people like me, then I’ll have succeeded as a person. Bollocks
I resent being fat and being the fat kid at school and I blame my mum and brother for the fact that I hate myself. I realise that I can’t do anything with my life until I let this idea go. I’m responsible for my life, how I think, my choices, where I am today. Blaming loved ones is futile. Blaming myself is futile. My attitude isn’t working for me so I need to change it.