I'm doing 27 things
Okay so here’s the deal. I love the school I go to and the friends I have and my family and everything, I’ve really got it made. But the fact that I have all this and have such a good foundation and I am still unhappy makes me feel like I’M the problem, which makes me more unhappy. No I’m not depressed, and this is kinda wigging me out that I feel like this because all my friends at home seem so unhappy and I thought I was the one doing great. And last semester I was. I just really don’t know what my deal is. I feel like I’m losing myself, though. I have two really prevalent qualities that are no longer mixing very well. First of all I’m so independent. Like I can/will do anything by myself and will be totally content with it, which I used to think was a good thing, but now I feel like it really sort of prevents me from creating relationships with other people. My lack of need for a companion makes me spend more time alone and I feel like now I don’t even care about people spending time with me (going out of my way to makei it happen). I used to be such a people person and now it’s like I’m lonely but immune to it.
My second dangerous quality is that I am such a people pleaser. I ALWAYS try to go out of my way to make other people happy, regardless of the way it makes me feel. I always try to think of others first, always putting myself last, and often not even realizing how much I am sacrificing because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. I am draining myself! I don’t even know what makes ME happy any more because I am always so damn worried about everyone else! I literally CAN NOT say no, like the word physically won’t come out of my mouth and it’s getting out of hand! I lose so much time and money on other people who say “I owe you one” or “I’ll pay you back” even though we both know it’s not going to happen. Why have I turned into this? I have always hoped to please others, but now I feel like it’s getting to the point where I am being left behind. Not only do I not seem to care about my own desires or opinions, but I literally don’t know what the hell they are because that’s always the last thing on my mind I feel like. I can’t go on living like this forever or I’m going to go insane. I never make plans or do anything I want to do because I expect myself to just “go with the flow” (again, another thing I used to thing was a GOOD thing about myself) but now I think if there was something I really wanted to do and none of my friends did I probably just wouldn’t do it or I would do it alone. That’s fucking ridiculous. I let people run over me ever single day to the point where I think they expect it, so I feel like all this “nice” stuff I think I am doing is going to waste. It’s no longer nice & appreciated, it’s just expected of me. I feel overworked and under-appreciated.
I just don’t know what to do any more. I mean obviously I know the things I need to change and more or less how, but putting them into practice is a whole different story. I am really not depressed or anything, I just feel a little lost. Also- I recently stopped smoking weed because I felt like it was just clouding my mind. I smoked about every day just for fun/to relax, but I feel like it was starting to make me a little boring and think too much. I really don’t think that is the problem but it just seemed like an easy solution so who knows, maybe after a little bit of time that will help.
