Katrina Goering

Drove to Chicago with Sam for my birthday. Does that count? Lollapalooza was an adventure. Morris was an adventure. But it was just all planned.

No, no. This is staying on my list. I want to go somewhere I don’t know with someone I love. Discover things we can call our own, if only in a small way.

Since I started college in August, I’ve finally learned to stop denying to myself what I love and want in life. Being separated from my siblings and parents, I can finally admit that I love different things than they do, and that it’s not necessary to follow their dreams, or the dreams they have for me.

I recently identified what I fear most in life, and it’s helping me narrow things down. If someday I should awaken to find that I am seen only as means to one end or another, be it sexual gratification, monetary fulfillment, support or communication for a business… Well, I’ll be living a nightmare. I can imagine no lower existence than one where I would be expected only to fulfill desires that could be likewise achieved by a lifeless object or machine.

I want to create. I want to redefine dried up ideas, rebuild values that have fizzled in the world, and create new beauty and meaning to touche people in places I have been, and people who will never see where I have been.

I’ve been considering film. (Yeah. Now I’ve made a leap.) I’ve never filmed more than a few minutes in my life, but I’ve long been involved in theater and have forever been a fan of art and expression. Be it design, production, editing, or just support, I can actually see myself as a part of this world, which is a big step from having used to only want to follow my family’s wishes.

Freshman in college. I’ve got time. I’ve got plenty of time. But the sooner I decide, the sooner I can put my life towards something big.

Last time I updated, I was convinced that my mother was impossible to get along with.

Turns out that things aren’t how I thought they were. I’ve moved out, and to a new state for college. I speak to my dad often on the phone and over email, but up until recently I had not spoken to my mother often. When I went home for spring break, things changed.

I spent a lot of time with her, working on projects I was interested in. Sewing, binding books, and some other artsy things. We went to a tiny store in a town outside our city, and dressed up for a tea party. Seriously.

I discovered through some snooping that she is planning on leaving my father over the next year. I’ve told one person, who lives too far away to be a part of things. Now I’m writing it here. It’s been terribly difficult trying to get along well in a family with two disagreeing parents. I have known for years that they didn’t get along well, and that they needed to separate. After some unsolved financial issues my father created, it’s finally happening.

I feel like I have come a long way from what I used to be. From bad to okay, at the least. From ignoring my father’s attempts at caring about me to reciprocating them. From being disgusted by my mother to relating to her and supporting her in her decision to break away. Now that this change has come about, though, I feel more of a duty than ever to be a good daughter.

I feel like some of this might be my fault. Their disagreements have been going on since I was very young, but I think the angst and stubbornness I developed against them as a teenager may have driven them further apart. I started a lot of those arguments. I fed them. I sometimes tried to pin my parents against each other.

I don’t think it’s all my fault, but I do think that I must now do what I can to make up for it. After all the time I spent causing chaos, it’s time to work on bringing them together again. Where I used to test their love for each other, I will try to prove that there is reason for them to be together. My mom needs this, to prove to herself that she have not completely deluded herself in loving him over the years, and my dad needs it to remember who he married, and that he has no right to treat her with as little regard as he does.

They used to hold my hand when I was little. Now it’s time for me to hold theirs.