goodluckcleo

sure illuminates a lot about the world

I excercise, do yoga, and eat much healthier. I have lost 20 pounds since I made this list. and I feel great.

I’m happy for the first time in a very long time. I owe so much to him.

I’m a student at Emory University. woot!

should be fun. this summer (pre-college bonding time).

sooooo excited. I’ll start learning Italian ANY time now….

I’m too weak to break myself from putting off till tomorrow what I can do today. I’m lazy and I know it. It will be the death of me.

my parents love me, my brother probably does too. my grandparents and extended family do. my dogs, cats, and horses do.
I don’t need my peers to love me right now. I’m about to leave for college so that makes it easier to leave. and I think in the five years we’ve all been together, if they still don’t love me by now then they never will. and that’s fine. cause I’m graduating.
YES!

I got all paperwork that I don’t have to do handed out with clear deadlines, all necessary materials, and stamped/addressed envelopes. that is all done, all I have left are college apps and essays. and I’m starting to think that I should have done those first and then handed out teacher recs and the like. ah, well.

I’ve only half completed this goal. I’ve had deep talks with about half of the people on my list, but I really don’t feel like pursuing any others. it’s basically irrelevant what they think since I’m leaving and I’ll never see them again. I’m done trying to form relationships and bridges with these people, because they would just be destroyed in may. in addition, we’ve known eachother for years and if we haven’t had a great conversation in those years, it’s just not going to happen. and that’s fine. I’m tired of idealizing people into intelligent and insightful beings. it’s such a waste of time. but the few conversations I did have were very good and strengthed some failing connections I had with people. too bad they weren’t consistant.

People are going to be how they are going to be and there is very little that i can do. that’s just that. I just have to take them how they are and remember that this is the end of our lives like this. I’ll never be around them for 8 something hours a day again, I won’t have to talk to them or comfort them or bitch at them. this is the end of these relationships and our pasts and histories will be forgotten or at least considered irrelevant. whatever has happened has happened, I can’t change that, and there is no direction to go but forward. will I miss this, miss them? of course. but this is it, the end of us. and I’m fine with that. we’ll be over soon, and that’s great. I’m ready for change and a fresh start.

he’s requested a commission from me to create his next tattoo. even if it doesn’t happen, that definatly shows something is going to change. could we be becoming civil siblings? is he realizing that we should be friends? I dunno what’s happening in his head, but whatever it is, it’s good.

I think my family and I could go, or maybe just some friends. I was hoping to build some houses or just clean up, but after the water goes down, cause right now that would be useless.
I’m not very strong, but I’ll definatly try and do what I can.

well, passed out teacher recs last week, so that’s a good start!

I’ve gotten to the point of moving on and mostly forgiving. I’ll never forget, but moving on and accepting it is as close as I’ll get to doing that. it’s worth it though, and I’ve made lots of progress so far. woot. I just hope others will forgive me too.

it’s nice being optimistic. am I still negative? yes, but I’m much more positive than I used to be and I’m much better at getting moving than I was. confidence is still low, but I’m definatly making progress into being a happier, active person!
it feels great!

I haven’t done this but I’ve figured out he’s not worth it. if he’s just going to tease, confuse, and run all over me then he really isn’t worth my time.
fuck that.

I need to slow down, take my time, and r-e-l-a-x. I need to pace myself and steadily work through the rather large stack of applications on my desk.
everything will be fine. it’s just college.

::breathes in:: ::breathes out:: ::stops breathing::

oh fuck. we are all so screwed.

I love my baby cleo.

I woke her up for the picture. she’s so sleepy!

so, i got my job back. my manager called me at 8:30 this morning and begged me to come back to work (he just got back from vacation, so he didn’t know I had quit). I start back in august.
it’s just hostessing, but it’s pretty fun most days.
and I looooooooove money.

ah, flexibility. it’s something so simple to do, and yet incredibly satisfying.