Kansas

I am a girl hopelessly in love with happy endings…I believe in the truth behind the lie. I believe in love at first sight. Love….I believe in Love. I trust the awkwardness that binds us…the tangled fingers, hair-tickles, and hip starings. I believe in hushed voices and silent conversation. I understand the hopeless romantics and trust the butterflies in my stomach.

I believe in first kisses and ashen promises.

I trust the searing of the memories. I trust in the sand beneath my toes. I believe in the summer heat and holding hands in the city streets. I believe in kissing the city lights and promising forever. I trust in the still poison and what you called that yearning. (The best secrets I ever kept were yours…) I remember your touch and I trust in the dull aching that you left me. I trust in the fire in your eyes, the one that kept us burning, the one that made me feel alive. I believe in never saying sorry…I trust in ‘til death do us part’. I have Loved selflessly and it is because of you. I have loved you and I will never forget my friend, you will never get to far from me…

You were right. I don’t know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either. -Tristan and Isolde.

If I could go back in time just once I wouldn’t witness the crusifixion, meet Edgar Allen Poe, hug my grandmother again, drop the razor, discover the true identity of Jack The Ripper, ride on the Titanic, stop before I started, learn to swim, save Isaac, leave home, avoid the shadows, find the cure for cancer, watch every episode of Boy Meets World, Read Tristan and Isolde again, or change the story…I would give you a kiss.

My darling Paige,
Do you know the extent of the torture I endure everyday without you? Do you know the suffering? I read your letters today. I let the poison from the ink stain my fingertips for the very sake of remembering.

I long to touch your face again…

The nightmares have yet to cease. The only difference now is the presence of your face in my dreams, waiting to save me from the shadows…waiting to chase away the darkness. You always insisted on blaming yourself, but you were never the one at fault. You say you should have kissed my lids and didn’t….
I say, feeling your arms around me when I awoke was enough. I say…you have no reason to be sorry. Not for tangled fingers and hair-tickles, not for the tear stained prayers. Not for turning back alone….

I haven’t told you everything.

You begged for my hatred, but I could never surrender it. I can do nothing more than love. It is the only thing I have to offer. I cannot forgive that which does not need forgiving. I cannot hate when hatred is not deserved. You will not be chastised. I have no reason to be angry. It is you that is entitled to anger. It is you that should be forgiving me…

Forgive me, my memory leaves you so broken. I passed the nightmares on to you…I left you with blood stains and stomach aches. I left you haunted. My hands bruise everything they touch. My eyes are dark. I am the very definition of corruption. My sin is poisonous. I broke your wings and suffocated you. I turned you into one of us. I laughed as you became part of the shadows. I swallowed the secret and longed to keep you for myself…
Along came Jesus, along came the only light left within the world we had created. Along came the out-stretched hand. And you ,my dear, accepted His favor. You bolted for the doorway while my hands tore at your ankles. You found the exit. You let yourself escape. It is me that needs to be forgiven.
I hold no grudge against you, nor have I ever. I refuse to forgive you because I have nothing to forgive.
All I ask is that you forgive me. Forgive me ,my dear, I am so very sorry…