graciousinhighheels

I realize I have a fear of getting close to ‘some’ people. So I stay away. I would love to make friends with more people with similar interests as me… but doing so actually makes me feel insecure about myself. Does that make sense? I feel as though I’d rather be with people whom I don’t get along with very well because then I can feel good about myself knowing I’m ‘different’ and ‘the best’ among them. But it ends up with me not being very happy and feeling lousy because firstly, no one shares my enthusiasm and secondly, no one to explore that enthusiasm with.

I’m going to start by being less afraid of meeting new people, trying to keep an open mind about other people and making new friends in my dance classes. =)

I want to be able to enjoy my food. I am neither Anorexic nor Bulimic. I’m a binge eater. I’m not a hardcore binge eater – I’m not obese and I can’t swallow 3 cheeseburgers at one go, but I DO eat even when I’m not hungry and I DO eat more than I should, which causes me to get a stomach ache.

I was hospitalized a while ago and while recovering, I was really careful with my portion size and with chewing. I realized that small but frequent meals worked better for me and chewing at least 30 times goes a long way to prevent bloating and indigestion.

But I seem to have fallen back into my old ways. I gorge on my food like nobody’s business. I feel like I keep shovelling it down, or I eat simply because I’m bored or I’m upset about something. So yes, I’m also an emotional eater.

I’m going to start by chewing properly again. Sometimes it’s difficult and you space out when you eat and then you tend to shovel everything down really fast again, but I’m going to try. Again.

I remember during that period when I ate right.. meaning I didn’t stuff myself, and ate small portions (albeit frequently), I had never felt better.

I want that feeling back.

I realized something about myself recently. I’m afraid of success. I don’t know why I seem to impose this glass ceiling on myself – for eg., I know X will be a great opportunity – but I can’t seem to push myself forward. It’s almost as if I feel better sitting by the sidelines, saying “Hey I had that opportunity!” or “If I had done that, I would have gotten it”… feeling smug instead of disappointed in myself. It’s as though I settle for mediocre when I can score with exceptional.

I remember when I applied for a job in the past, I said something about myself not being very ambitious… that I’m contented with a job that pays enough for me to have peace of mind, yet one that doesn’t require too much of me. (Although you can actually go far in any job, as long as you’re willing to put in the effort.) But am I really content with that? I don’t want to just settle.

I think I just need to find the reasons to keep me motivated. Sometimes I’ve wondered why I seem to have no energy to do anything. But I realize that I’m not a low-energy person, I just need to find the things that inspire me. I can be a real rocket, full of boundless energy when it comes to doing the things I love. I can stay up all night writing, endure bruises while dancing… I know what I’m capable of.

Alot of the time, I waste time doing the things I think I’m “supposed” to be doing or because someone else is doing it. I need to reach deep into myself to discover what it is that excites ME. What it is that gets me enthusiastic, that I am willing to get out of the bed for. I’m not doing this for anyone else except myself. I need to know exactly why I’m doing something, even if it’s just for fun. And most importantly, I need to work hard to make my dreams come true.