was sick this morning and was allowed to stay home from school. it was bright and cold today and it was perfect to stay home, drink tea, and bask in the sun.
it was nice to have an extra day of the weekend when you hate what you do for the five other days of the week.
it was so nice to see the sky gray and stitched together with lightning instead of white with snow (which it usually is this time of year). i watched the thunder make the aspen trees trembled under the heaviness of the rain.
it was one of those days. you know the ones where you just have to go to bed early and snuggle in three blankets.
my dog had a seizure last night and it was nice to rely on the rain to comfort me.
she’s furry and like a big pillow. it’s so nice to press my ear up against her ribs just to listen to her heart beat and our breath have the same rhythm.
it was the only time today that i wasn’t stressed.
it was nice.
just thinking today about how totally disgusting the human race is. i mean, really, people. we almost never rely on ourselves but just walk on over to our best friend walmart and pick something up.
when we make things (that we really don’t need), we buy stuff to make it. i wanted to make a tie-die shirt a couple days ago. what did i buy?
- a white t-shirt
- tie-die mixes from walmart
- freezer paper from a grocery store chain
if i were to actually destroy the capitalist beast within me, i would make my own fabric from fleece from sheep, the make it into a shirt, and dye it with natural fruit dyes from the fruit trees in my back yard.
38 pages double spaced and well into the plot. introduced a couple new characters. first main action piece already written and now the protagonist is diving deeper into the conflict. it’s great. i wrote about 3 pages in the last hour and everything is working out perfectly. i have four months to finish this story and i will.
i have to.
characters are taking the lead of this story and i’m just sweeping up behind them. this is their story now and i have to trust them.
i also found some fantastic advice from one of my teachers from last year.
she had read in a book that anger should be treated as separate from you (not who you are), but still a part of you (an emotion that you’re experiencing).
so, when you feel angry, whether it’s from tripping on a rock, you got fired, you have no control over a situation, etc. you treat your anger as something that needs to be cared for, like a child or puppy.
whenever you feel angry, personify your anger. say, “hey, little anger. what do you need? how about we go on a walk. would that make you feel better?” and translate your anger into a healthier reaction than punching the first thing you see.
it’s helped me a lot in the past couple weeks.
my parents insist that the decision to send me to the public high school is final, but a month ago i asked my tarot the outcome of the dispute. the reading told me two things:
one. it seems hopeless now but my need would be realized before the terrible happens.
two. word is fact and facts can change.
i’ve been getting really angry a lot in the past week. and although i hate to admit it, i know why.
it’s because i’m feeling rejected.
i told my best friend i liked him, but he didn’t feel the same way. my parents are making me leave my school and i can’t change their minds. i keep thinking that i did something good and then my mom keeps pointing out the bad.
and i can’t just say, ‘well, fuck that,’ because these are people i actually care about.
and you know what else sucks? my therapist isn’t helping either. therapists are supposed to be on the patient’s side, not on the side of the person they’re fighting against.
well, i’m leaving for a trip and i’m so happy because i won’t have to deal with all this bullshit for five days! whee!
i’m so excited for summer.
today i wasted a lot of time. i spent more than half of my day on the computer, sometimes writing, sometimes surfing the internet, sometimes designing a t-shirt, sometimes doing nothing at all.
what did i feel accomplished about today?
- i climbed a tree.
- i finished a lesson for my geography course.
- i figured out how to change my camera from color photos to black and white.
- i designed a t-shirt.
- i critiqued a person’s story.
- i took my dog for a walk.
what have you accomplished today?
p.s. that’s the t-shirt i designed although it looks much better blown up.
woman by wolfmother
another brick in the wall, pt. 2 by pink floyd
sound of silence by simon and garfunkel.
i am going crazy. literally, i am going crazy. i have vented and ranted more times than imaginable, but what is happening is out of my reach. i’ve been trying so hard to control what is happening, i’ve been fighting, but i can’t.
what is happening to me now is tearing a scar in my flesh because i can’t control it, i’m doing things that hurt me whether good or bad, and i’m leaving the love and support that has helped me keep my sanity in check for the past year.
i don’t know what to do to heal; i don’t know if i ever will heal, but what’s happening is ripping apart my soul.
i’m a chick and i don’t fit the stereotype. i get angry. i get in physical and verbal fights. i get revenege. i hate shopping, makeup, and usually boys. just because i’m beautiful doesn’t mean i don’t have a brain.
i will not apologize.
i completed the first part of ‘if i could not fail part two’. today i told my best friend i like him. he replied, ‘oh, really?’ with a grin.
all the things going through my head right now are telling me that i shouldn’t have done it, but at least i did it, even though i didn’t get the answer i wanted.
i’m not quite sure what i want to do, whether i could fail or not. maybe chaining myself to my school and telling my parents i’m not leaving my sanity (a.k.a. my school) next year. i don’t know what exactly i could do at the moment to keep my sanity in check.
at my school, p.e. is very intense. it’s not just a game; it’s a fight for glory.
yesterday, we were playing ultimate frisbee and my team was losing 3 to 5. we were all working our asses off; we were all running like hell. i spat on the ground because of slight dehydration and a guy on my team says, “that wasn’t very ladylike.”
i was silent. what was there to say to that? so i said, “what the fuck?”
he just shrugged.
sometimes i need to scream. and i can’t. i’m stuck with people that edge me on saying, “c’mon, let’s see what you’ve got.” fuckers! they have no idea the end of my anger issues! no fucking idea!
they think they’ve felt anger. well, guess what. they haven’t. ever.
my anger is killing me.
it may kill me in the next five years because i can’t let it out. because people will either a) get pissed, which, in turn, makes me more angry and that’s not good or b) anger will become some sort of epidemic because people that i interact with when i’m angry will be crushed into the ground and they’ll try to give away the pain because most people are selfish little bastards!
no one believes in me, no one trusts me, no one cares except for my friends that my parents are forcing me to leave because they think the academics at my school aren’t good enough. what the hell do they know? they don’t! they’re not going to my school! it’s my life! i have no say in this decision whatsoever! i hate them for doing this to me!
this is why this is a goal for me.
- blood brothers (live) by iron maiden
- the clansman (live) by iron maiden
- fear of the dark (live) by iron maiden
- run to the hills (live) by iron maiden
- back in black by ac/dc
- you shook me all night long by ac/dc
- it’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll by ac/dc
- track 01 by ayla
- track 02 by ayla
- track 03 by ayla
- bohemian rhapsody by queen.
i did part two of “if i could not fail, part 2.” and my mom agreed with me. now i just have to do the harder one: part one.
late, but sincere.
i love reading all your posts because you are always looking out for women, something most men and some women rarely do. so thank you.
two things i would do right now if i could not fail.
i would tell my best friend i love him. i know this was on part 1 of “if i could not fail”, but i need to do it. and i only have a couple weeks. wish me luck. please. i need some backbone and some support. please.
i would tell my mom to screw off and let me write. just because i am taking a creative writing class and i write for hours on end, that doesn’t mean i can’t write during one of my independent periods. i love writing and nothing will get in my way of it, but i need to have all the time possible. writing is what i was meant to do.
some support, please?