this is getting a little better. i’ve been looking a little more carefully at what we have in the fridge before making dinner. (instead of grabbing the most recent grocerey purchase to cook.) it’s so easy to overlook stuff that’s in tupperware!
our new apt is great, there’s so much more space. the neighborhood is great too. we just need to get some furniture so that all our stuff isn’t all over the floor. this is probably the 5th time i’ve moved in 8 years, but i’m still always surprised by how much work it is to move & how much effort it takes to make a space livable. this move was especially difficult b/c lunchbox and i moved together for the first time. also, our old apt had several built-in shelves. now we have books all over the floor (i had insisted that we take everything out of their boxes in the first two days).
things to get:the new apartment is beautiful. it might not have a lot of character (mostly it’s “new”) but there’s so much more space. i can’t wait to unpack and we haven’t even gotten boxes yet.
i went to volunteer training at the Office of Recycling Outreach and Education (for nyc). did you know that new york city residents produce 12,000 tons of trash per day? 7.5% of that is plastic film (grocery bags, plastic wrap…) & 5.7% is clothing/textiles.[1] and we recycle 17% of our trash but 35% of our trash is recyclable. so that means… we’re throwing away over 2,000 tons of recyclable stuff a day into the regular garbage to be incinerated or buried in a landfill. EVERY DAY!
also, the recycling program makes money for new york city. so it’s like we’re throwing away $.
anyway. now i can attend events and sit at a table & hand out stickers & tell people about recycling and waste reduction. making less trash is better than recycling!
btw, why is it always women at these volunteer things. why the fk aren’t there more guys volunteering? i’ve even asked my guy friends to come with me (especially the chronically single guys), and they won’t come! i almost got lunchbox to come to this session with me but he had a last-minute work thing.
[1] these numbers are from cenyc.org. also, textiles can be recycled at union square on certain days!
april-may-june were spent sporadically scrambling around getting the block party application together.
in an attempt to brainwash myself, i watched an entire dvd of “What Not to Wear” last night. most of the women being made over didn’t have my body type. but several had body types that looked difficult to shop for, and they all found clothes that worked. so maybe i just have to shop harder. the women all looked so happy at the end of the makeovers that it made dressing better seem worth it.
a couple of the women also had a tendency to shop the clearance racks. so they always wore really ugly, garish prints & colors. i think i have a similar problem where i limit myself to buying cheap clothes & end up with a dresser full of tshirts.
4 episodes later, lunchbox called to see if i wanted to get ice cream. i tried dressing up & wore a skirt & heels. and it was just like the show said! it doesn’t take much longer to put on nice clothes than it does to put on shlumpy clothes. i felt super self-conscious at first, even though i thought i looked good when i was at home & there were people more dressed up than me at the ice cream shop… i wonder how long it will take to feel comfortable in nicer clothes. especially without a team of stylists fluttering around, saying, “You look a-maaaa-zing!” :)
i went this saturday to a jiu-jitsu self-defense class for women & it was great! we learned some very basic escapes from grabs and we practiced saying things like, “No! Don’t do that! You’re making me uncomfortable!” which sounds silly but i found it really difficult to say. i’m used to looking at the ground & walking away really fast if someone comes too close. nothing’s ever happened beyond verbal harrassment – but maybe talking back (in a non-confrontational way) might be healthier/safer.
at the end of the class, everyone was like, “What if your attacker did this? What if you couldn’t move your hands? What if you were stuck in a corner?” the instructors patiently showed us one escape move after another. one instructor was a very small woman & seeing her flip a guy 2 feet taller than her onto the floor was great :)
lunchbox was skeptical of my new skills & tried grabbing my arms from behind. he wound up with is left elbow being pushed out the wrong way over my right shoulder & one more move away from being tossed onto the floor! – i can’t even push/roll lunchbox to the other side of the bed, so this is like a fkg miracle.
i can’t wait to sign up for a real class!
hooray! being self-conscious is exhausting.
the interview was easy! it helped that the interviewer was a grad student & she was late. also, the project doesn’t make any sense, so i wasn’t nervous.
& they hired me!
the bridal shower went well also. i felt a little awkward & must have looked awkward enough for my friend to ask if i was “doing ok/not too uncomfortable” several times.
but i actually did feel comfortable at the same time. i didn’t feel like everyone was looking at me, so the awkwardness didn’t matter. the mountain of gifts for the bride-to-be made it pretty clear that this party wasn’t about me. :)
i think i’m almost done with this one! i had to get a petition signed for a block party application and spent several hours approaching strangers on the street for signatures. some people were nice, some people were rude & some people studiously ignored me or stared while walking as far away as possible. it was awkward, but it wasn’t too bad!
i didn’t think so much about what i looked like or how i sounded, it was more like a hunt for people who didn’t look like they were in a rush.
another thing i did was take a picture of myself with the camera-timer every day for about two weeks. and it turns out, i don’t look as weird as i look in the mirror or in subway window reflections or in other people’s photos. i just look kind of normal-uninteresting and grumpy. which i am totally cool with. it’s like – now i know what i look like… i don’t hafta keep checking anymore or comparing myself to other people. they look better, cooler, faster! but i look more normal!
next week, i have a job interview & a wedding shower (where i won’t know anyone) to go to. if i don’t freak out, i’ll consider this thing done!
we’re moving next month & all we’ve done so far is walk around fort greene. why didn’t we get started on this sooner.
there are so many apartments that look great online. lunchbox keeps looking at giant airy lofts in e. williamsburg, but i don’t think he’d like the neighborhood.
to narrow things down – by ‘nice apt’ – i mean:
i did yoga 3 times in may. this month will be better, i’m cutting back my hours at work (down to zero by the end of the month). doing yoga will help me stay calm about the job situation. plus it feels good!
i just dumped out everything in my dresser. it’s all tshirts & most of the tshirts i have a solid colored/plain. i have some sweaters & button-downs as well, but they are also plain. this is going to take a lot of work.
i mean, i don’t want to look like daily outfit ppl, but i think i’ve somehow reverted to the way i dressed in elementary school.
my hair seems more manageable now. i tried using lime juice diluted with water since i didn’t like the smell of acv. lime juice seems to work ok (you just hafta strain it first, it’s hard to rinse out lime pulp).
styling products seem to act a little differently, but i’ve been using a lot less.
the static is gone too. i’m still amazed that this works!
i have signed up for a free intro class, and a couple of my friends have signed up with me. the actual in-depth course doesn’t fit in with my schedule right now. but this will be fun! i am going to insist that my bandmates don’t schedule practice that afternoon… i’m not afraid of them…
it’s strange, i feel like, “This will never happen to me, nobody would ever attack me.” but i also feel a strong need to have this skill. like i would like to think, ‘i could kick that guy’s ass’ & walk away when i’ve been verbally harassed. instead of cringing & skulking away. or maybe i’ve been watching UFC/WEC with my guy friends.
ok, i did it. i got a membership/donated money to Transportation Alternatives
i still feel a little like i should be saving that money. or like maybe i could volunteer my time instead of donating? i don’t know. all the personal finance stuff i read seems to say that giving money is part of a healthy relationship with money. and i like this organization and want to see it succeed. so, it makes sense right? and it was such a small amount. i can afford this, i want giving to be part of my financial plan…
total failure :P
the bad news is that there’s a new temp who sits next to me who smokes.
the good news is that cigarettes are going to cost $10 a pack in june.
also i saw a man on the street open a pack of cigarettes, take one out, light it, set the rest of the pack on a table, and walk away. this was before i started cheating. they were ultralights.
i tried to give two weeks notice, but instead i’ll be working 2-3 days a week starting next next week, until this group of projects is over.
my parents spent an hour telling me that i should’ve kept my job until i found something else. & that i’ll never be happy anyway since i have a bad attitude towards work.
i was reading about feminism & housework though (women still do more of it) & these articles also discussed how women’s attitudes towards careers were different from men’s (i.e., in general, in the US). i felt a little less like a freakishly lazy, lost child after reading the articles. what to do next, i’m not sure.
everything’s been crazy. i did nothing on the list, but i walked all over the place last week. this week i have done nothing except by two new yoga dvds. one night, lunchbox declared, ‘i have to get in shape for myself!’ and went out for a run without me. it hasn’t happened again, although there have been threats. tomorrow lunchbox, niceguy & i are going to run in the park.
i will try harder week. i’ve been eating a bit better.
to doweight: 137 (weight loss from stress? nervousness?)
avg steps: 11,438
it feels like at least day 21, this has been the longest two weeks ever. i need to quit my job as well as smoking.
i was really whiny for a cig last night after tasting 9 different wines, but lunchbox wouldn’t let me buy a pack. he is a good person.
also, i have to keep reminding myself that i felt crazy even when i was smoking. in fact, smoking made me feel additionally paranoid about getting cancer or emphysema. so there is no reason to light up when i feel crazy now. even if nicotine is a good mood stabilizer (that’s what the psychiatrist said years ago & also the only words of hers that really sunk in for me).
saturday & sunday & tuesday i’ll be w/the band, which includes:maybe i’ll bring some lemons to suck on or something.
