haich

my flatmate ran into him at a gig last week, said he is still living in sydney, with no job – still. he even had to ask his parents to pay his power bill.
i don’t even know who he’d be hanging out with these days.

i don’t know how i feel about him now. he’s obviously not good enough for me, i know that.
if i found out he was getting back together or starting up contact with his ex, like i suspect, my heart would fall through my stomach – like it does everytime i even contemplate that thought.

it’s been over 4 months since we split, so it’s getting on a bit. i don’t want him. but i still get physical stomach rolls at the thought of him.

i miss him but then i just feel angry at him, and myself.

one thing i hate about being out without a boyfriend, if you’re a girl alone and you’ve dressed up because you want to feel good for yourself – not anyone else – you’ll almost certainly get hit on by gross guys.

i just have no faith in relationships, in people not hurting each other.
someone always loves the other person more, there’s always one that gets hurt the most.

another recent goal was to “fall in love again” in the next year, but i don’t know if i have the energy to go through something like this again.

you put so much effort into loving a person, in fact it seems effortless at the time because you love doing it, and then once they reject you and tell you they don’t love you, suddenly you crash hard. . and realise how much energy you actually used up.

i’m deflating.

I really want to do this eventually, and a couple of my friends are other there now who I really miss. I am 22 right now and I think I’d like to wait till I got a bit more career experience under my belt, and go over at about 25, so I can actually get a job I’d enjoy.
I think I’d miss my mum too much right now too, ha ha.

I know it’s not the right time now but I do want to go in the next few years.

But in the next year, it would be good to meet someone new. I’ve only had two relationships, both of which I was in love, but both of them weren’t in love with me. (Silly boys, really).

My last boyfriend said when he was breaking up with me, “I think I was sometimes in love with you, and other times I wasn’t”.
That was 3 months ago and I haven’t spoken to him since, and need a long time to be alone.

I think though, once I experience mutual love, when someone actually says to me they are in love with me, I will realise the past two relationships weren’t real love.