hannasg

I’m just terrified of the awkwardness that might happen when i talk to people…which usually happens >_<. so i hold back and don’t talk. i really want to do this…i mean, i don’t want people to think I’m a snob for not talking when it’s just out of shyness. it’s like people get rejected from my silent exterior…even though I don’t mean it. i just want to know HOW…i want to talk to them, to join them and be a part of what others are doing, to get along with people and make more friends and talk to them normally and make jokes, like i used to. i feel like i’m missing out partially on life.

I think I might be afraid of what I might find. That who I am is not who I want to be. I think I’m in chase after who I want to be, rather than who I really am, because who I am will give me no satisfaction out of life.

Growing up = depression. honestly. taking things too seriously all the time, being too realistic, seeing everything in grey. Perfect recipe for depression. I’d like to keep my wonder for all the world’s beauties and forever be in awe; I’d like to be idealistic and keep dreaming, I’d like to be silly and fun and just be happy instead of constantly feeling a weight on my shoulders and worrying too much about everything to enjoy life. Life’s too short – live it happy before it ends i say.

I want to be consistent in my actions to my friends, and to all the people I know. I keep changing, being so talkative and funny and close to them one day, and then withdrawing the next minute, so individualistic and moody. and it sucks because I can’t keep a close friend, since I break off the connections I build. I would also like to be consistent in school and in everything I do, instead of getting so worked up about an idea, and then completely losing my motivations 3 days later. it makes me feel like a failure in the end.