helloworld2009

As a kid my parents fought openly, and my mom treated me like a friend and told me much about what was wrong in their relationship.
In 10th grade my dad moved out of state for work, and in 11th grade my parents split up for a time. When they got back together, I had a boyfriend and since their separation had been rocky, I wanted as little to do with them as possible. I went off to college, and my parents and sister seemed to reform their own little family, minus me. I was even told my parents’ problems started when I was born. At the same time I was going through a spiritual crisis resulting from some of the same things.
I discovered that sometimes my mom can be a very controlling person, and that is difficult to deal with because I see her as a friend. I don’t see my dad as a friend, even though I know I take after him in temperament.
My parents are not close to their families and never really have been (my dad is sometimes but not consistently).
My ex boyfriend’s family was superclose and instead of seeing it as a good thing, I was jealous but instead of thinking “I want that for myself” I thought “You’re stupid for having it.”...to some extent I still think that family was unhealthy for being so close, but at least they WERE close!
I really want to get to know my family better, to get to know them as people. I think they might be alright people if I can separate myself from the past. What’s past is past, right?

I don’t know why I don’t speak my mind, but I really never have about things that matter. My ex and I used to be ARGUMENTATIVE, but that’s not the same thing as speaking my mind. I can debate just fine, it’s when it comes to talking about how I FEEL that I am silent. But I’ve found that I get myself into situations where I feel very used, but then I realize I’m responsible for it, at least in part. Recently I’ve spoken my mind to people…and truthfully they don’t like it much. But it’s either that or get walked on, and that is REALLY STRESSFUL.
It’s weird, because I think being less argumentative would help me speak my mind more clearly…being argumentative is a very defensive action when you get down to it. It often goes against confidence. Confidence and courage of conviction are seen, not heard.
It’s a very scary thing to state your mind when it might hurt people’s feelings or when you know (?) people won’t like what you have to say. But I do suppose they’ll get over it, and to some extent you have to watch out for yourself! No one else is going to.
I used to speak out openly, but to some extent it was argumentative…I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s how I feel.
Like I would say “Well I don’t do x y and z because I don’t want to.” That wasn’t hard (it kind of is now). But it’s harder to say things like “You’re suffocating me” or “I’m not your maid.”
Another part of the problem is not being able to speak my mind makes me play the victim at times, but I’m not so much a victim to other people’s sensibilities (or lack thereof) but to my own silence.

I drink socially but unfortunately I hang out with people who can’t put the bottle down! I’ve never even been drunk (TIPSY plenty) but I can tell that it isn’t a road I want to go down…that’s usually a sign!
I do enough stupid stuff when I’m sober! I don’t need alcohol to help me complicate my life any…
It’s really hard because people assume you’ll drink…and when you don’t it can be very isolating/ostracizing…
But I’m also trying to be done with worrying about being accepted!