htdmangoes

I still struggle with this at times. Part of it is because I want to go to sleep because a 9-5 college schedule wears me out as it is without studying/work on top.

I have always been very shy in school, and for times I seem even to have lost my voice. A closed mouth is my default. I am also very depressed and have very little confidence. When called on in class, I freeze up, my voice is shaky, and my breathing is irregular as I squeak out my words. I hate this, but I could never control it.

I’m in college at a small school, and I would like to take advantage of my school being small and the prof’s being reachable. But I miss the opportunity because I’m afraid my words will come out all jumbled.

It gets a little better if I am around people that I am more comfortable with. But if my words are jumbled to start with, the struggle gets even worse when I realize my mistake and get embarrassed. I want people to see that I am intelligent and I have important things to say, but its hard for me to accomplish this eloquently. I want to have confidence in my words.

I don’t know how to approach this. I often rehearse what I mean to say several times in my head before asking or answering a question, but then when I deliver it, its not the same way. Or it gets to be more of a struggle as I continue to talk. Im shy and embarrassed.

I’ve been depressed since middle school and part of it is the loneliness. I was getting farther away from my sister(just a year younger than me, whom I considered my best friend). Every friend I thought I had was gone. I gained weight, and my hair became frizzy. At school, I was the shy, chubby, quiet Indian kid with the weird name. I got excellent grades, but only to feel like I was doing something, or maybe for praise. When called on it class, I would clam up, tear up, almost to tears when delivering an answer(it still happens, don’t know why). I felt so stupid and incompetent when I got my first ‘B’ ( I never got a B again until junior year AP Chemistry, and I hated myself for this). At home, I was known as a banshee, always throwing tantrums, quick to anger and irritable when things did not go my way. Usually it was for the crap that happened at school. I never acted on anything at school, only at home. High school was no different. I started cursing a lot when angry and my parents hated this. I felt like a terrible person, but I could not control these feelings. I switched schools after tenth grade and I had no friends for two months. My dad lost his job at age 54 and he had to start a clinic from scratch, so we were having money problems (then again, my parents were never good with money, even though my dad was a doctor and one of the best. He was refused a prime position in our previous home because the patients of that area “were not ready for an Indian doctor”). This was a time when my sister never talked to me and we were constantly, bitterly fighting. Then I made a friend that seemed so amazing. I liked her a lot, almost worshipped her ( I realize now that I felt this way because she was like a replacement for my sister). This girl, while my friend, did not feel the same way about me and then she claimed the credit for this science competition that we had done as partners and placed 2nd statewide for, and though I was the one who studied for it and answered most of the questions, no one cared. I admit, I feel petty even bringing this up.

I moved across the country for college and I hoped things would get better because I would be away from my family. My family has a lot of problems, but never have I felt so alone. I suppose it beats hs, but largely my life is not better. I have no social life to speak of, I’m embarrasingly shy and its hard for me to speak out, and I don’t do drugs/drink so I’m anxious about parties. I admit, I have not been to even one. I avoid getting food from commons when there is a crowd and I don’t want to sit alone, sometimes avoiding eating at all. I don’t have any good friends, even though I’ve been here for 1.5 years. My body is almost always aching and tired, and I never feel alert. I feel old, even though I just turned 19 a couple months ago. My studying is impaired by my failure to concentrate. I feel like I can’t keep facts in my head and my brain is just plain cloudy.

First year, it was the roommates(two of them, lucky me). This year, its a little different. I thought things were getting better when I made a good friend last semester, but it turns out he was not a good friend at all. When we were friends, I seemed to be happy all the time. He considered me his ‘best friend’ although I was hesitant about calling him that. He was after my sister and they started “going out” after meeting for only two days. It was to my own naivety. I had a lot of work, she was visiting, and I didn’t want her to be alone, so I asked him to hang out with her until I got back. I found out about what was going on and I confronted them about it. I told him to stay away from my sister, that she has problems also and does not need a boy to screw up her life. He ignored me, or humored me, or both. And he compared my to his ex-girl friend’s parents. His ex girl friend was also Indian and her parents did not approve. So basically, I was the bad guy. I told my sister not to ruin my friendship with him, but she said that I was being selfish. My parents found out and my sister begged me to tell them nothing was going on between them. I do not know what I was thinking, but I lied and I stupidly let him come over to stay at my home for winter break He ruined it. My dad confronted them both and they lied to my parents face. He, most of all, who ate our food, slept in the best room, and got all the comforts from my family. I hate myself for this. Now she’s back at home, 3000 mi away, and he keeps waxing poetic about how he can’t wait four years to be with her, that they’ll keep their relationship on the “downlow”...needless to say, this does not go well with my Indian parents, who were never fooled from the start. My sister continues to defend him and claims that I’m overreacting. I don’t talk to him, he doesn’t talk to me, and my relationship with my sister(once my best friend) is strained again. My relationship with my older sister is strained because I cannot get over this. I sent him an email asking for the plane ticket money, and he never replied. I pass him every Tues/Thurs on campus (the school is small and he has the math class right after me) and my day turns to ** when I see him. He never once tried to apologize, he never did anything. He used me. But his life is great (he has a girlfriend after all, right) without me, and I’m back to square one. I don’t know when I will get over this. I want to, but something is holding me back. I feel pathetic after writing all this. Will I be alone forever…why do I deserve this?

Sometimes I feel better when I draw or play music, but I do not have time for these things with 9-5 class everyday. I could barely keep up with my work last semester and my grades surely suffered. I seek solace in a lot of fantasy things or movies. I feel worthless because of these things.

Even though I’m far from home I am still affected by my family. Nearly everyone in my family suffers from depression (though hopefully not my 14 yo baby sister). I thought my parents were going to divorce at the beginning of this school year and my mom has officially started sleeping in my sister’s room. My mom, a diabetic, has been depressed for a long time and her health is so so. It is like she is paying my dad for 26 years of hell. She’s extremely irritable and she goes off on my sisters all the time. She has always made comments about how we would dance when she dies (that’s not true) and that its not much longer. My dad, now 57 and around the age most doctors would be set, works all the time. He is still in debt, though finances are doing a bit better. He gets all the other doctor’s patients and he’s always “on call”. I feel bad saying that I would rather have him work than have off at home (when he will do only one thing). Sometimes he blatantly says that it would be better if he just died, so we could have the insurance and we wouldn’t have to worry about money. Really, I would just like to have my dad be normal. He’s a good man, with a good heart, even though he does bad things. I think he feels that way too and it hurts when he tells me this.

I have been going to counseling to talk about these feelings. I want to stop utterly despising myself and take pride in the things I do. I want to stop getting angry about things that happened even in primary school. I want to forget that girl who I thought was my friend two years ago. I don’t want to feel pathetic anymore. I wish to be confident. I want to really enjoy things and enjoy hobbies. I want to change my life.