mei ??

..to see a night sky full of stars. it stops me in my tracks and no matter what i’m feeling, what i’m doing, i just look up for a while and feel peaceful, hopeful and lighter somehow. someone once told me he had heard that some people are really from the stars and he thought maybe i was one of those. i just remember hearing about people in egypt, sleeping on their roofs under the stars and it just seems so perfect and lovely..

it started years ago when i was very depressed. i imagined life by the sea in portugal. i would have a simple place and even do laundry by hand and hang it out to dry. i would have fresh fruits and vegetables, and my love was there—we even had a family!

my love is gone now, but i still dream of happy seaside days in portugal..

i was a pianist. i had been studying piano since i was 7 years old. i was learning the third movement of rachmaninoff’s 2nd piano concerto when i was a senior in high school. it was so beautiful.. i remember it gave me great comfort when i would feel alone in the world. somehow i felt understood when i played this. i entered a concerto competition that year and won, so i had the chance to play it with a symphony. i was so nervous, but the day before the performance, i found out i had been accepted into the music school i really wanted to go to for college. i remember the rich flowing green velvet gown i wore, so dark it looked black, except that in the light you could see it was a very dark green. (i also remember learning about gargling salt water from my piano teacher, as i had a slight cold!) the performance wasn’t perfect, as i always fell victim to my nerves and had some mistake in every performance, but it was a quite an experience. i remember the conductor kissed my hand at the end, and i collapsed in tears backstage when a classmate congratulated me.

i loved this concerto, and now.. years later i relate in a different way. rachmaninoff had written a symphony early in his career and on its first performance got some negative reviews. he fell into a deep depression and stopped writing for years. it was later with the encouragement and help of a hypnotherapist that he started writing again, and the first thing he wrote was the second movement of this piano concerto.

...this year will be the 10th year since i stopped playing the piano.