hubieravuelto

It took nearly a month’s worth of research and 15+ hours of interviewing, but my very first article was published this past spring. Good times, you guys. Good times.

“Be less negative” v. “Be more positive”?

I think the first step is clear.

A few days ago, I actually did my suitmate’s makeup and she looked fantastic. We didn’t try for any foundation, which I haven’t mastered at all yet, but I did her eye shadow, mascara and lips. I feel like a beauty queen! Complimentary “nude” shades that gelled with her skin tone! Slightly darker, bold lips for a night on the town! Liquid eyeliner to make her eyes pop! Compliments ahoy! Her face was a nightclub and I rocked that bitch.

I am totally on my way to being made of makeup WIN.

So, taking showers makes me feel better.

Awesome. I now have even more reason to spend a few minutes under a jet stream of hot water. Whoo, endorphins!

I think if I’m honest with myself, I’ve never really wanted to stop. It’s therapeutic to remove impurities – bumps, ingrown hairs, whatever else lurks under there – from my skin. It’s like scratching off a little bit of failure every time. The ironic thing is that this isn’t the case in the slightest. As we all know, we’re only making it worse.

So, in this season of Easter and rebirth, I vow to actually start trying. Seriously and more seriously. Sure all those little bumps and imperfections are fascinating, and sure I really want to scratch them all away to make smooth, perfect skin, but I’m going to do it the right way this time. It’s going to take long while, but scars are slower to fade than bad habits.

This’ll be worth it.

Okay, well, this is a step in the right direction, I think, but it’s not exactly the most comfortable one.

I’ve definitely recently started looking at the way I’ve treated people in the past and the way I’ve been treating people recently and have found myself lacking. It’s not a pleasant feeling to really examine your conscience and find that you would probably not remain friends with yourself, you know? But it’s definitely a step on the road to getting to a place of peace with my past and how I look at things.

I can’t change what I’ve done to others, how I’ve treated them. I can make apologies and right some wrongs, but there are people that I will probably never see again, and hurts so old they’re better left unsalted, so to speak. What I can do is attempt to gather my wits and patience about me and step into new relationships with the eye of an active observer. I can try to not step into the same traps, the same foibles. I can stop myself from jerking that old, bitter knee.

This is the part that takes a lot of work, but it is an important point to admit to the faults you’ve discovered about yourself. Problems, once admitted, stare at you in their corners like really creepy Madonnas, you know? It’s better to address them and ship them off to the Museum of Antiquated Habits where they can start gathering cosmic dust rather then have to continually address them and their unblinking, really creepy gazes.

So, yeah. I’m not a perfect person, and I’ve got to work on getting… if not closer to perfection, then at least farther away from ‘rotten SOB’.

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to be less negative is to hold my tongue. It’s SO HARD, it really is, but it’s also how I’ve been able to excise a decent amount of my negativity. If you stop speaking it, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you stop thinking it, but it does help you reconsider whether what you’re thinking is at all helpful or not. Often, I’ve found it to be really unhelpful to the conversation and, more recently, just plain unhealthy.

So I completely forgot about Sincerity. And Justice. I think my problem was not having a big word printed somewhere I could see it to make sure I was following the whole thing. That’s about to change! I’m going to post the virtue of the week on our outside door to our suite. Maybe others will join in…?

This week it’s MODERATION: Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

I think I’m doing a decent job on that so far. I had a run-in with a friend of mine last Friday that was less than charitable (basically, I have been a hormonal bitch the past couple days). Today, I tried to remedy that, and I think I succeeded in starting the healing process, for myself and for the friend.

Recently, I’ve noticed myself making an almost unconscious effort to be nicer to people. I’m asking about others’ days, asking follow-up questions, and avoiding talking about myself. I’m still trying to act on catching myself complaining (I recognize it, but I’m not doing very much about it), and working on improving relations with my suitemates, which deteriorated last semester.

I think I’m making progress on my resent and bitterness in positive ways, but also measuring out just the right amount of withdrawn caution when dealing with those who have injured me in the past. I’m trying not to blow things out of proportion, but it’s important to protect myself from perceivably dangerous people, you know? After all, people who would do those things aren’t worth my time. Equally, if I do those things, I’m not worth anyone else’s time.

I tend to overreact, so I’m waiting to say things. I bite my tongue more than I ever have before. As a result, I have less to say, but I think it’s a good thing. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone by always sharing my opinion, especially when it’s negative. There’s nothing to be gained from negativity. I guess that’s incorporating silence, huh?

My roommate was recently trying to share some gossip with me, and I declined. She’s a suspicious person who snoops through my things and we’ve bashed heads about it in the past, so I’ve taken a passive approach to it, letting the previous conflicts and her stressed moods wash away. I don’t want to re-hash arguments, exasperate relations or anything. She’s angry with the world for having lost someone precious to her. I’ve been angry before; I know what it’s like to need someone at whom to direct said anger. If it’s me, that’s fine, because it’s not really affecting me anymore. It’s unfortunate that I’m her person, but at the same time I don’t consider it a heavy blow. She’s stressed and wants to control things. The easiest way to deal with that is to take away the satisfaction of a reaction, you know? Lock up sensitive items, acquiesce to the reasonable requests and clamly refuse the unreasonable. Keep organized and on top of activities. Pie.

Anyway, this is getting long, so I’ll cut to the grand ending: Yay for pattern recognition! And, ultimately, /breaking the habit./

Okay, well. Industry didn’t work out so well past the first day of that last week, but I suppose I can do the Ben Franklin thing and recap and re-group. (Good stuff, that ‘re’ prefix.)

Anyway, the recap: the bottom line is that I fel tbetter when I was Getting Shit Done. Not that I got a lot of shit done this week, but when I was accomplishing something, I felt better about myself. I also inadvertently learned that when I put off taking care of myself, I’m less inclined to follow through with anything and everything I need to get done. It’s an important self-realization and one I intend to be better about taking care of in the future.

My re-group will proceed with SINCERITY: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly. With my family constantly in-fighting and what with me returning to university within the week, keeping this in mind will help the shaky public relations situation in which I find myself. Hopefully keeping myself constantly employed in some useful action will diminish my need to stand around and fulfill that feminine urge to speak without thinking, but keeping this in the back of my mind will prevent me from speaking extemperaneously, which is only useful in speech competitions.

I find a project and think that it will take me too long to do it, so I put it off. -> By putting it off, my chances of completing it with any sort of quality diminish exponentially. -> As the time depletes, so does my motivation to complete it. -> More time passes, alongside my motivation and my hope. -> A threshold is reached where things must be started. -> I am stressed throughout the whole process of finishing said task. -> In the end, a crap product is produced, which lowers my self-esteem and makes me feel negative.

Brain, I’d like to introduce you to someone, you might have heard of them, PATTERN RECOGNITION? Thought you two might work wonders together. (Ugh.)

My current group of friends and I need to grow apart without any animosity being harbored. I need to figure out how to slowly separate myself from them without damaging my reputation any more than it’s already been hit, or unnecessarily offending said group.

Tricky. Delicate. Necessary.

First step: working on me. It’s easier to get a new group of friends if you change your activities. A new hobby demands a new setting with new inhabitants. I figure the easiest way to get a new group of friends is to start hanging out with new people.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve been working on these, but coincidentally, the virtue that I probably need to work on the most at the moment is the one that’s next.

INDUSTRY: Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

I’ve got an entire room’s worth of things accumulated since middle school to sort through for end purposes of either charity or posterity. It’s a huge task and I only have two weeks to get through it, so a huge push this week with help from old man Ben would be really beneficial. Okay! So, here we go.

I have developed a game plan, because it’s a new year and what better time to finally get serious about doing this kind of thing? Mostly this is for my own benefit and not entertaining at all, so, yeah. Good luck to everyone else with their resolutions!

Morning
Crest Whitestrips I
Wash with Purpose soap
Apply Clearasil (violet for face, blue on back and chest)
Apply Day creme

General

NO PICKING
Don’t rest face on hands
Don’t eat excessive oils or fats
Get in a purple or red vegetable

Night
Whitestrips II
Wash with Polishing cleanser
Apply Night Creme

I think I’m getting there. As I encounter more people and friends, I find myself being more enamoured with the girl I am instead of who I was.

It’s a good feeling.

I disappeared from 43 Things for a little bit and with my presence went my urge to make good on this goal. The picking returned with a vengeance, especially with romantic and scheduling woes. Now that the former has ben resolved and the latter solidified, I hope that I can get back on track to stopping this nine-year habit.

First step: a shower and cutting my nails afterward. Short, short, short! Start at the source.

Last week’s Resolution was amazing. I totally spent my time studying for the two tests I had that week and walked away from both with confidence. Yes, my time with friends was truncated, but it was also very enjoyable for what it was. The most important thing about it was that I was able to feel like I had accomplished something. I knew I had done well, which is a great, great feeling.

Tomorrow, we begin FRUGALITY: make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

Don’t waste free time when there’s homework and life-work to be done! Don’t waste good conversations on petty gossip! Instead of eating unhealthy food, take your snacking time to eat things that are good for your body! Never miss out on an opportunity to do something nice for someone else!

Trying RESOLUTION for this week…

I’m anxious and still not finished unpacking; I have textbooks to buy and classes to rearrange; there are clubs to support and meetings to plan; my wardrobe is about as limited as my space; I’m way too hot and have a really little meal plan—

But I’m here.

And, ready or not, I’m about to go back.

See ya on the flipside…

Came out to my family today about my dermatillomania. My dad wasn’t very clear about it, but I think he said that he picked his skin when he was my age. I am very convinced that we have a genetic predisposition toward skin-picking and other obsessive-compulsive self-harm activities.

Anyway, my new Falll term starts today (for me in about two hours!) and I’m happy to report that my picking is very down. I only had one isolated, short incident where I picked one blemish on my face, one time where I picked at my back (but not for very long), and a few times where I went after my scalp. However, I also got a new haircut and had it styled, which was a huge deterrent from picking—don’t want to mess up that beautiful hair, right? I haven’t been able to cut my nails down yet, but I should get that opportunity sometime today. I feel like I’m on the road to recovery. =)

Here’s wishing all of us luck in the coming Fall, that despite the stressors we may encounter, and despite the urge, we’ll all be able to enjoy life to the fullest, without picking!

Current Cum. GPA: 3.91

The new Fall 2006 semester starts today! Here’s hoping I can keep this current GPA right where it is, barring all relevant (and for that matter, irrelevant) distractions.

\o/