hundredwaters on 43 Things

i get sad, feel bad, wonder why I feel this way, wish I was over it, and then get through the feeling….. afterwards like a couple days later…I feel a little more like I’m getting over it. I am starting to really understand the process of feeling the feelings then letting them go. It seems to work, which is counter to my initial reactions. Very interesting. Yes, I am learning.

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Use this break up as a learning process, Go For the Learning! (read all 8 entries…)

a hard lesson to learn 3 days ago

reflecting today, wondering why this is taking so long, why this feels so difficult….the relationship wasn’t good, it was bad at times, toxic at times. and it’s not like i was a total angel, I did my share of throwing emotional tantrums and trying to pressure him into family and parenthood. But, the sex was bad, I mean, just not what I want, ever again. And he stopped kissing me over a year before I left. I can’t believe I lasted as long as I did. But he was in pain, he was ill, he was stressed out, he was focused on his career, all those excuses somehow allowed me to feel justified in staying in a state of paralysis. I’m not proud when I look back and see my fear of acting, my fear of biting the bullet. But I do have compassion for myself, for wanting to be loved, for wanting to hope that things could turn around (when he felt better, after he had his surgery, when his work settled down etc.) The thing is doesn’t life just keep getting complicated? Me waiting for conditions to improve is laughable! I’m sure anyone looking in from the outside could have easily spelled things out for me, but I was hooked, I had fallen in love and I had this vision of us as a family and of us growing old, and it was such a pretty dream, I didn’t want to take that picture down off the wall. But I did the right thing, I can look myself in the mirror now and have self respect, that was ultimately why I finally left, I could feel myself slipping into some other realy, and I knew I was above that, I knew I could do better, I knew I could take back the reigns of my life and live with respect even if that means being alone. I am proud of myself for doing the right thing. I will thank myself over and over again for this year of letting go, moving on, and starting over.

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remember that it is all temporary (read all 3 entries…)

Band of Brothers 4 days ago

I just started into the series and wow, it’s fantastic. I loved The War series done by Ken Burns also, but it’s fun to see it acted out. Seeing those soldiers at war, well, it just reminds me how wide open and blessed my life is.

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Home:	Santa Monica, California
Member since:	Oct 03, 2006

hundredwaters

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