ilikeramennoodles

after getting a response after some odd weeks… i figure that i could let myself 1. get more angry or 2. forget it

and i choose to forget what i was instantly mad at because from her response i can tell she will never see my point or really understand enough to do anything that would make me feel better about it.

after being sad about it, i’m moving on and if i see her somewhere cool, if not, if i never hear from her again, thats fine too, just as long as I keep going on

it’s so easy for me to get mad, write her off and explode. But i won’t because I want to control it. We both know that she has repeatedly not held up her end of bargains & that she has been lazy with us. The thing is I’m different. Everything I promise or say I am going to do, I do. And maybe this is because I’m really conscious, but I think this is a good thing that I am aware of what I say to people. I am aware what other people expect of me based on what I have outright told them. I ALWAYS live up to my word. If I say I’m going to call you, I will call you. I never stiff people, I get this gut-wrenching screeching feeling in my stomache if I don’t, because I am conscious of what it was I was going to do. If I’m not going to do it, I make a point of telling the person that. I find in that regard I am very considerate. With other people it is not so. If you blow me off for weeks on end or tell me we are going to hang out a specific day and i call you that day and you don’t respond to me at all, you are clearly either have the memory-span of a fish or are RUDE. If you do not call me or make an effort to see me for months, never answer your phone, never call me back after me leaving you message after message, if you leave me hanging the day I am supposed to see you, if you are full of empty promises over and over that’s it we’re done. I’m not talking about some random person, I’m not talking about a dude I’m crushing on, I’m talking about my serious best friend.

I’ve learned that
1. things change
2. I actually don’t need you anymore
3. I know and will not be treated any other way than is respectful, I deserve more than rudeness, fakeness and laziness in ANY relationship I have in my life, life is too short to waste time with those people
4. I will be treated the way I want to and should be treated and will not tolerate anything different. these rules will not bend. I am true to myself. the end.

P.S. you are not worth the words it would take to cuss you out – i’m writing you off and the anger will subsist. it’s not really anger it’s like a mild irritation that my mind is already starting to get over, not seeing you in so long has showed me that i can do without you.

in spain…
because i am staying in someones house which is very nice because she makes me meals =)
however, i walk around by myself alot and make my own plans
i find it hard doing alot of things by myself
i always feel like someone is judging me
i thought i felt it bad at home, i feel it twice as much here

this is altogether a little strange

pretty scary i’m not going to lie.
my spanish isn’t great and i’ve had a lot of communication problems. i’m a little scared of everything, i’m scared of people walking up to me and bombarding me with spanish, i’m scared of activites with my group and i’m scared of the silence between me and my host mom. But at the same time, its different and I’d rather be here than home.

I realized what my stumbling block is.

That I cut my thoughts short in my writing, I write like I assume everyone already knows what I’m thinking… so I leave out the necessary details… the inner psyche, the reason why it is so clear to me.

I need to start spending time expanding my ideas. To take each part and expand it. I need to have distinguishable quotable didactic lines. Lines that say something that stands out, that can be quoted, that are wisdom.

Those I realized are my favorite types of books, books that leave you with wisdom, books about the inner psyche.

this is a real challenge because i feel like for me being in a relationship when i’m not ready or the other person is wrong for me
happens all too often.

i will not make any special efforts with any guy.

i’m always very nice, and that gets me in bad situations because then i fall for the guy that won’t commit to me, and uses me.

relationships for me have been more heartbreak than i can bear. i mean it was good while it lasted. but they didn’t last. and i have to remember not to settle anymore, that i’m worth more than the way they treated me.

there is someone out there who will love me for everything i am.
and until then,
i’m absolutely FREE and SINGLE

no more relationships can hold me down

finally i had enough and i deleted people that were toxic in my life as friends on facebook.
first off i had to convince myself facebook is not real life, and doesn’t matter, i’m sick of fake online identities and people talkign to me on facebook instead of putting in the time to call me or apologize to me in person.

i miss the old days where you only had contact through telephone and there weren’t all these weird ways to contact people that are so much less personal and easier to be decieving and just all together less thoughtful.

SOOO i deleted those guys that hurt me, because looking at their facebook and pictures only hurt me more and i’m not going to kid myself any longer that i want them back or that i want any relationship with them.

it doesn’t even matter, but it took alot of courage for me to delete them as friends. and i finally am beginning to see that i shouldn’t take facebook so seriously because not being facebook friends is NOT the end of the world. =)

leaving always terrifies me and inspires me

after a long while of horribleness and being treated really badly and him telling me he was an asshole i left

my mind confuses me
it reverts back to remember only the good times
but then when someone doesn’t call me back,
when someone swears at someone else,
when i hear a mysoginistic song on the radio
i think of him,

and what a huge letdown he really was.
and that i deserve much much better,
and to never let myself be abused in the same way
ever again.

i have been very successful saving money by staying home though not ideal, but for now, to save funds.

once i get to my target amount i’m going to look into investment options/CDs to boost my account. =)

keep up the good work self!

i need to quit facebook

i have to

it is severely affecting my psyche.

i tried deleting her
like that was the problem
but no he was the problem
so i could 1. delete him or 2. quit facebook

i need to figure this out.
it’s getting out of hand to feel like i die a little bit inside everytime i see what his activities are.
why should i care.

i have to hide him as a friend.
and if the truth isn’t clear, that he’s desperate and doesn’t care about me
that i’m kidding myself completely

i need to stop obsessing and live my life.

live my life and stop being so careful about whats posted blah blah

i just feel betrayed hard, some things i believe are meant to be private

relationships end for a reason and spying on the person is the dumbest shit ever and i’m guilty

it’s over.
and go figure i’m happy with another guy.
it’s over.
it’s over.

i make new friends everyday. and i have all the people i need.

i gave a guy my phone number and to my suprise,

he didn’t throw the number away

he called me back

and we hung out

and now we are dating =)

i have completely simplified my life.

i’m careful who i tell about my relationships now, because i don’t want the drama and the guilt, i don’t wan the rumors and the judgement this isn’t highschool this is my life =) watching he’s just not that into you helped me solve my guy situation.

i know what i want and my goals.

simplifying my life is exciting =) ‘i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain’

I’ve finally found who out of my friends is really trustable and who to go to for advice and her name starts with C. she is the only one, who can see my side of the situation but still tell me the truth. Some people totally take the other side in a rude way because they don’t know the circumstances, they are not in my shoes to judge what I do and my situations. So I really need to stop letting everyone even those who have nothing to offer me into my life story. I save it for the people who care. And I also trust myself to do what I need to do, all my decisions have so far been from my gut, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. My life is simpler in this way because I don’t rethink everything I do, I do what I want, when I want, and blow off the people who have something contradictory to say. I finally feel like myself, original, unique and confident.

me and my bf would be apart.
and we are, which is suprising and terrifying.
yet i’m realizing he’s not the only one out there.
i’m starting to feel more excited about things.
i’m inspired to live better and happier.

getting a tattoo is suprising, inspiring and terrifying.

im also going to spain which is scary

swimming in the ocean and almost drowning by waves is suprising and terrifying

asking a guy 2 days after i met him to make my real bf jealous…. terrifying and inspiring.

just by being spontaneous this goal is amazing

yet i want something more suprising and terrifying and inspiring things to accomplish.

i stumbled on a creative writing critique group at my school, I’m SO excited. I’m going next week, I’m so excited it’ll help me get a book written! If that doesn’t I’m going to try to get an research opportunity next summer that will end in the goal of getting out a book.

i need to let fate into my life bc things are going to happen in my life i don’t like… and so i need to be able to deal with fate as it comes. i need to be able to pick myself up out of any situation, dust myself off and keep my head up. im preparing for a huge letdown right now but i really trust that fate will find what is best for me. whether my current situation or a new one i trust though its incredibly difficult that fate will guide me in the right direction no matter what. fingers crossed

let it go… so he was an asshole… so what.. so he hung out with her…so what. just keep focusing on whats important. accept it and move on.

its coming back, i wouldn’t classify it as full on depression because i don’t feel sad per se, but more uptight and nervous and paranoid. idk things are going bad in my relationship, i haven’t trusted him lately because there are certain instances where he has gotten close with another girl. and i can’t help but feel jealous. that’s the one thing that gets me, him FLIRTING with other girls. I just don’t get why guys think its okay or don’t know what is and isn’t okay. they see no harm in it, but it severely makes me question everything. i see my side of the situation and i see his too. it’s just like really hard to keep my mouth shut about how much i can’t stand this girl, about what i don’t like about her. she’s done attention seeking things with him nd i can’t look at a picture of another girl kissing MY bf on the cheek. idk i’m getting possessive and scared. idk if what i’m feeling is legit. idk how to curtail my thinking to not being jealous. and its starting to effect me bad. i have to figure out soon whether this is all worth it. if i can really change or he’s just too flirty for my liking.

so by fate, my family is getting a treadmill, i didn’t even have to ask.. which really is PERFECT for the crappy climate i live in. OK this means no excuses when it comes to exercising… not even the weather can stop me