illuminate

I’m amazed at what happens when you are conscious of this.
When you are conscious of your encounters with others and how you are veiwing them.
Its begins to gain momentum and take on a life of its own.
When you view people as potential opportunities,and not as inconveniences, it changes the dynamic of your interactions enormously, and people open up pretty quickly.

I spent much of my 20’s at coffee shops. Playing hackeysack, being beaten at chess, staying up too late and postulating about life in small groups at 2:30am. I do wonder sometimes what would be different in my life if I would have spent my time differently, but today I am cherishing those late night conversations, and what happens when its too late to keep your guard up. In the midst of good natured prodding, and laughter, love is exchanged. I think if we are honest, a simple phrase like “you are awesome” can be life changing. In the vulnerability of friendship, those moments can define how we see ourselves, and how we see others.
There was a long haired, Metallica loving poet who I played chess with regularly. I played him at least one game every night, and he beat me at least one game every night. With a smile on his face. It was fun. There was some good natured prodding, and some life defining moments of true friendship. “You are alright” he would say. And he meant it. He was alright too. Actually, he was awesome. I thought he was brilliant. I really did want to win, but honestly,I was enjoying the opportunity to learn. I was also really thankful for the acceptance. I did finally win a game after playing him every night for a year. It was a joyous occasion. I mated him with a pawn. He gave me the raised eyebrow head nod. A generous gesture that said “Well done grasshopper. It is now time for you to leave.” I would still lose to him fairly often after that, but I would win too. It wasnt the same. I had gained his respect as an opponent, and he veiwed me differently.
I think about that season often. About coming back for more when you keep getting your ass handed to you by someone who is much smarter and more experienced than you. I think there is a life lesson there. Not to mention some great friendships, and life changing moments of late night truth that define how you see yourself and your place in the world.
On the way back from the store today, I saw a guy who lives in my building standing outside. He is dating a girl who I worked with a couple of years ago, so we have engaged in some token elevator ride conversations. He is immediately likeable. He has that perceivable quality of stability. Simple humility. Openness, and generosity of heart. But today he seemed a bit dark. There was a shadow darkening that likable friendliness that I have grow accustomed to seeing on his face. We wound up in the elevator together as usual, so I asked how he was doing. It turns out that she left. He had been up late one night about a month ago after she had gone to sleep, and as he was walking to the bedroom to go to sleep, he saw a piece of paper sticking out of her purse with apartment listings on it.
He stood there for a while thinking about it….wondering if she was looking for the two of them. But he was planning on buying a house. Why would she do that? He risked and went through her jacket pockets. He found a check from her mother for several hundred dollars. Something didn’t feel right. He tried to talk to her a bit that night, but she was sleeping and he let it go until the next morning. The next day she didn’t come home. We stood in the hallway for a while. I tried to just listen. As we talked I started to think back to the time I spent working with her. She is a very beautiful girl, and intelligent. She has a disarming smile, and was friendly, but to me there always seemed to be a shadow somewhere in there…like something from the past that she couldn’t shake, and would manifest whenever she got too close to someone. It turns out they had been together for six years, and recently it had felt like their relationship was entering a new level of intimacy. And then she ran. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be in a situation like that. I asked him what he believed, we talked a little about that, and I told him that my door was always open.
Ive been reflecting lately on how I view myself. Thinking about some things that seem so hard for me to change. Reflecting how most of us have those moments like the ones that I cherish from late nights at the cafe… where we come to believe that we have something to offer….something of value. But we also have other voices and experiences where we unwittingly swallowed something dark, and begin to view ourselves with a hidden hopelessness. Thinking that we “are something”. Something negative. That we are trapped. And we usually bury these feelings and rarely talk about them, because they seem so unfashionable to bring out in the open. I mean shouldn’t we be further along by now? We all have those. I had one recently. Someone from my past was venting on me about her current circumstance. When it started to get personal, I retreated. She perceived it, and turned her anger toward me. She ended it with “You’ll never change.” I tried not take it too personally, but I politely reminded her that every curse spoken over me will become a blessing because that is the nature of the God we call on… and then I spoke a blessing over her….Click.
You’ll never change. Absolute. All time ahead of you is hopeless. I don’t think I can swallow that one. I don’t think I want to. If I am going to swallow an absolute that will sink into how I see myself, I want to swallow something that tastes like hope. Something that tells me that I might have to play every night for a year or twenty, but its never hopeless. Time is a gift. Every moment is fresh. You can be defined by what you hope for. You can be like God and speak the things that are not as though they are. And have hope for the future. You may get scared of intimacy and hide from that things you are afraid you cant change, but every moment that comes after that is a new opportunity to believe. You have the creator of the universe telling you that you are never defined by your past. That when He looks at you he sees the hope of eternity in you. That nothing is impossible to you if you will only believe.
I am liking that year I spent playing chess more and more. You can keep coming back. Keep getting up. Keep moving the pieces around the board and paying attention.
You might not win the first time, but eventually you will win. You will win.
Id like to find my chess friend again and thank him.

I think the Key to loving someone is knowing who they are, and what their dreams are.
The infinite possibility of knowing an infinite God who makes himself known is an amazing thing.
I am learning how amazing He is. How passionate and peaceful, how focused and loving He is. It makes me love Him more and more.