Unrequited emotions are such a tricky beast…because how do you ever certainly know that they’re unrequited unless you address them to your interest? I’m struggling because I know I should be absolutely basking in the warmth and glow of wanting to give my heart to someone, yet I’m utterly miserable.
I’ve always been a strong woman – I haven’t had a choice to be otherwise – and I’m living proof of that. Aside from not being able to reach out and touch this man whenever I need a reminder of his perfection, I wouldn’t change a thing about him. My brain got me into this mess just as well as my heart did. My rational and logical brain should be able to talk me down from this ledge – tell me it’s ridiculous, tell me he’s out of reach and beyond me, tell me he doesn’t share what’s in my heart, tell me it’ll never work and I’ve coyly denied him for years for a good reason.
But alas, my brain is a failure. It refuses to see any faults, and it acknowledges him as the ideal. He’s more than I was ever told to expect – he exceeds what I could possibly imagine for myself.
It’s saddening to fathom that it could be over in a moment if I were to voice my thoughts to him. (So instead, I’m posting them here in hopes that he’s not so savvy that he’d discover this.)
It’s not to say that so many of our conversations have been superficial (I don’t believe that, at all), but they’re not necessarily focused on in-depth details of our lives. However, the past few months of teasing, intimacy, and snippets of deeper details have proven educational. At least, about myself. I feel more confident, self-assured, and willing to open up and share. I’ve learned so much about myself – he’s helped me to know and recognize so much within. Even if things remain stagnant, I’m excessively grateful for that much.
So what’s a woman to do? Choke it down, I suppose. Discourage my runaway thoughts and feelings. Remain the cool, collected, and constant person I’ve always been with him, I hope. Hide away my feelings and secretly long for something beyond.
I wish I could flip the switch and turn this off, but here I am, awake much longer than I should be…desire burning inside me for more. Sigh.