ilovecoldplaying

so fall quarter, i hung out with these two friends a lot, one guy and one girl, separately. as of last year, when i first met them, i didn’t really talk to them much or hang out with them a lot, only a little bit. but fall quarter, we hung out a ton. at least like 2-3 times a week with the girl, and at least once a week with the guy. it’d be a lot of fun. i’d always look forward to hanging out with them, and talking with them and stuff.

but recently, they’ve just stopped talking to me entirely. i mean, i try to facebook them and make sure they’re still alive… i ask them to see if they wanna do things with me, but i feel like i have to pester them in order to get them to even respond. i actually see them sometimes, but the air between us is just weird for some reason. it’s not natural to go up to them and be like.. hey what’s going on? wanna do something later? people are busy, and they don’t call you back even though you want to hang out. i dunno, i get kinda saddened by it because one quarter we’ll be best friends and tell each other everything, but then about 15 weeks later, they don’t even make an effort to say hi.

i find myself getting intimidated by them because i don’t wanna force them to say hi by saying hi to them, and it just breaks my heart because you know… if i had such good friends at one point, then what’s to say they’ll be good friends or friends, period, with me in a matter of days or weeks? it was one of those things i had hoped to escape once i got to college, but i realize that good things do come to an end, and often not the way that you hope they would, and sometimes you just can’t do anything about it.

what makes me even sadder is that i already have a hard time making lasting friendships, being the introvert that i am. i already knew what that was like in high school, seeing as that i couldn’t and didn’t really connect with the people there. not to say that i’m anti-social. i do like people, just not all the time. and when i find people i like and that like me back, i try to hang out with them as much as possible… but i guess really… fate is trying to mess things up for me.

what am i doing wrongggggg?!!!

so today i had an art critique and i just found myself unable to elaborate on my artwork. maybe one factor was the fact that i made a lot of the prints the night before and the day before that, and so the motive was to finish the portfolio. i mean, i did have a theme in mind, but since my work was abstract, my mind almost blanked when it was my turn to talk about my work. and i just couldn’t explain eloquently what i was trying to do, and convey what i’d been doing for the past 2 weeks in flowing english.

it sucked. maybe i was tired… but i swear… i really feel like i need to be able to talk about myself or what i do without cutting myself off or selling myself off short.

maybe i don’t feel confident about myself as much as i’d like to be…

but what can i do to be able to not sound so tongue-tied?

the date was kinda awkward beforehand, like waiting for a table. we talked about normal stuff and i kept saying how quiet i was today and that i felt bad for being quiet.

is it bad that when he put his arm around me, all i wanted to do was cuddle? and i just wanted to lie there because it felt so nice. inside, i don’t know if i was being desperate or if i really like the guy because i didn’t feel anything super special when he kissed me. he tells me he likes me but i just tense up bc i feel like i have to respond…

ARGHHHH