ilovecoldplaying

so fall quarter, i hung out with these two friends a lot, one guy and one girl, separately. as of last year, when i first met them, i didn’t really talk to them much or hang out with them a lot, only a little bit. but fall quarter, we hung out a ton. at least like 2-3 times a week with the girl, and at least once a week with the guy. it’d be a lot of fun. i’d always look forward to hanging out with them, and talking with them and stuff.

but recently, they’ve just stopped talking to me entirely. i mean, i try to facebook them and make sure they’re still alive… i ask them to see if they wanna do things with me, but i feel like i have to pester them in order to get them to even respond. i actually see them sometimes, but the air between us is just weird for some reason. it’s not natural to go up to them and be like.. hey what’s going on? wanna do something later? people are busy, and they don’t call you back even though you want to hang out. i dunno, i get kinda saddened by it because one quarter we’ll be best friends and tell each other everything, but then about 15 weeks later, they don’t even make an effort to say hi.

i find myself getting intimidated by them because i don’t wanna force them to say hi by saying hi to them, and it just breaks my heart because you know… if i had such good friends at one point, then what’s to say they’ll be good friends or friends, period, with me in a matter of days or weeks? it was one of those things i had hoped to escape once i got to college, but i realize that good things do come to an end, and often not the way that you hope they would, and sometimes you just can’t do anything about it.

what makes me even sadder is that i already have a hard time making lasting friendships, being the introvert that i am. i already knew what that was like in high school, seeing as that i couldn’t and didn’t really connect with the people there. not to say that i’m anti-social. i do like people, just not all the time. and when i find people i like and that like me back, i try to hang out with them as much as possible… but i guess really… fate is trying to mess things up for me.

what am i doing wrongggggg?!!!

so today i had an art critique and i just found myself unable to elaborate on my artwork. maybe one factor was the fact that i made a lot of the prints the night before and the day before that, and so the motive was to finish the portfolio. i mean, i did have a theme in mind, but since my work was abstract, my mind almost blanked when it was my turn to talk about my work. and i just couldn’t explain eloquently what i was trying to do, and convey what i’d been doing for the past 2 weeks in flowing english.

it sucked. maybe i was tired… but i swear… i really feel like i need to be able to talk about myself or what i do without cutting myself off or selling myself off short.

maybe i don’t feel confident about myself as much as i’d like to be…

but what can i do to be able to not sound so tongue-tied?

the date was kinda awkward beforehand, like waiting for a table. we talked about normal stuff and i kept saying how quiet i was today and that i felt bad for being quiet.

is it bad that when he put his arm around me, all i wanted to do was cuddle? and i just wanted to lie there because it felt so nice. inside, i don’t know if i was being desperate or if i really like the guy because i didn’t feel anything super special when he kissed me. he tells me he likes me but i just tense up bc i feel like i have to respond…

ARGHHHH

well, i dunno i got kissed on the cheek for the first time and then on the mouth on my date the same week. it all came a little fast and i dunno, i didn’t get that like insatiable feeling to kiss him back like really hard.

i don’t know if i’m supposed to get like butterflies or feel like i have to make out, in order to know that i was feeling something…

but yeahh… it was just wet and strange because of the tongue action…

and it did… he stopped me at the door and posed the question : )

i get jealous of people who i know who just captivate me and are so admirable for their qualities. i know this is so bad but it almost paralyzes me and i get so fixated on how good they are at what they do and i’m just like… I SUCK, i’m SO NOT LIKE THEM and i wish i were. i know this is probably not really positive, but when i look at what i’m good at, i’m only so-so at what i do. i dabble around here and there. i wish i were the best at something, but i know you can’t just say it’s your best without working hard to be the best… because being the best is only relative.

i guess i gotta remember to just keep making myself better… it’s the only thing you can do… but now i’m having doubts about getting there…

hahaha wow this might not ever happen before my teen years are up.

i’m kinda tearing up right now…

i’m turning 20 in march and i still haven’t gotten or given one.
talk about an old maid T_T

it’s really kind of depressing now that i think about it…

tear

i’m sure you all know the feeling of not being able to reveal your feelings to someone because you’re afraid you’ll lose their relationship with you (whatever it may be) entirely.

i’ve never dated anyone or been liked back, as far as i know. all i got are friends that i start to genuinely like and then i can never tell them how i feel about them either because they are already taken or i feel like i’m inferior to them so i can never match up to them, if anything ever happened.

not being able to tell them is the saddest feeling. and then you feel like something is wrong with you because you’re not being liked back like everyone else you see on the street who’s holding hands, pda-ing, etc. what am i doing wrong? i don’t know if i’ll ever know…

i know i alwyas feel like i’m the only only one who’s feeling like this, but it’s not true. so many people feel like that, so maybe i just gotta accept it and keep waiting in line and pray that i won’t be the last one.

no i totally understand what you’re talking about. i had friends in high school who kind of just ended up being my friends because we had no one else to hang out with. and for good reason. we’re all so different and i had a hunch from the beginning that our friendship(s) weren’t going to be very strong. i mean we did stuff together, hung out on the surface, but it wasn’t really that deep. definitely what i wasn’t looking for and it made me sad because i kind of just wanted it to fade away even faster. i still do now because i realize that they weren’t really my friends anyways. i really hate surface relationships but i realize that you have to put yourself out there so that people know that you trust them. so i agree partially it was my fault, but hell, everyone is so busy sometimes it’s easy just not to want to try so i’ll give them that.

but what pisses me off is that we’ll do “surface” reunions which are alcohol free and then only half the group will get invited to this super exclusive alcohol-fest that i don’t find out about until after the fact and they never even bother inviting me or my other friend, who isn’t really close to me, but closer than everyone else (but that’s besides the point). and i can only think of what they’ll come up with as a coverup excuse… “well i didn’t know that you drank, bah blah blahhhh, or wanted to be invited.”

i dunno… is it just me and my thing with courtesy issues or formalities? basically that’s why i don’t really instigate putting together events and stuff; because i want to avoid them entirely.

it hella pisses me off and then she does the whole…. “do i need to see a doctor instead of you because you don’t seem really concerned with this problem?” and i’m like ready to throw something out the window.

honestly, sometimes my hand just gets restless or i have some really rough and kinky strands that just feel really disgusting and that’s why i pull. other times, my head is just itchy because it’s hot and sweaty out here. other times, i just get kind of mad and stressed about something and then i have to take it out somewhere.

my mom wants me to see some shrink, but they’re freaking expensive here and i don’t have that kind of money. i think i can stop sometimes but she never believes me and she always talks to me whenever i’m busy and don’t want to talk about it and then she gets mad.

fffff that! _ it hella pisses me off.

i’m just always afraid to tell people i like them etc… i’d rather these feelings be shut away because i figured that whomever i end up liking will never like me back anyways, at least in my experience up to this point. i might end up doing nice things for them and talk to them more, but even though i hope this won’t blow my cover, i secretly hope that they’ll somehow see what the hell it is i’m trying to do. it never works and usually i waste time and energy anyways… _

i used to get anxious about everything – things i had to do, things i did poorly in the past, things i don’t want to do, things i can do well but now am not sure if i can do well anymore, anxious about calling people on the phone, social interactions and awkward moments… you get the picture.

i figured, just go with the flow! getting all anxious about it just doesn’t help you think clearly when you have to and just dampens your mood so you become all high-strung about some little accident. i guess maybe i’ve just learned not to care so much. a lot of getting anxious is just caring too much about what others think of you, in my opinion and own experience… just make sure you’re satisfying your own needs and if it’s ok with you, why care about what others think? for all you know, they could be in the same boat, but just afraid to mention it to you, like you are to them, or even to yourself!

but i must admit, i do still get anxious, but i think that talking it out to people and trying to not let it affect your life negatively is a good way to handle it.

i find it really hard to stay motivated in school, especially in the summertime when there are a BILLION things i’d rather be more motivated to do, like guitar, piano, art, etc.

especially taking classes that are on a 6 week schedule rather than a 10 week schedule. i can barely digest the material and then i have some rather big assignment or midterm really soon, in addition to work which really makes it hard to study after work, or even after class for that matter.

i feel like my mom has to keep making me feel bad about my grades in that class (which aren’t really great by the way) in order for me to be motivated… basically i don’t know if it’s because i don’t get motivated by the class or just by taking any class in general in the summertime. i can be motivated during school and that’s when i’m away from home thank goodness so it’ll happen….

how do you stay motivated when the going gets rough and you have to work your way to the top and be consistent on your way up?????

being quiet doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be social
being social doesn’t necessarily entail having to be an alcoholic or a pothead

because sometimes i forget and i keep thinking i have to do those things to be more social and more socially accepted.

does anyone else feel like this?

i have this beach bonfire thing that i might want to go to with people from work. it’s going to be bathing suits, guys and girls, tons of food, and on a thursday night meaning i have school on friday in the morning… and probably hwk to do bc i’m not doing especially well in my class. i really want to be more social but with school and work, it’s v. hard to do quote “fun” unquote stuff… i’m not especially really keen on seeing unfamiliar people see me in a bikini. haha.

it makes me happy when people want to hang out with me, but then i think… why do they want to hang out with me? and when i can’t find an answer to that, i feel all empty inside…

?

i always feel like i don’t know my friend well enough. maybe it’s because we only talk about certain things. and for the numerous acquaintences i know of, it’s very easy for me to ask them about those “shallow questions” of: where’re you from, what’re your hobbies?, but then after that, i don’t know where to go from there you know? it’s like sometimes i don’t get a chance to hang out with them because i’m just afraid that we won’t have anything in common, so then i don’t even try. do you kind of get that part? it’s weird. i feel like i need to just go out and get to know the people i don’t know very well. but that’s very hard for me. it seems as though i can only click with people who are into the same things as me, because i feel sort of hollow and fake if i pretend to be interested in something that i don’t particularly like or am interested in. essentially, it’s why bother? everytime they ask you something, they’re not really interested, and neither are you. they’re only asking you for the sake of preventing the silence from happening, or because it’s rude if you don’t ask what your friends are doing, etc… i don’t know if anyone else feels like that or am i just pulling crap out of thin air?

i feel the most awkward when i’m trying to be social. those moments of silence just kill me. it makes me feel like shit and i always replay those moments in my head too, just to make myself feel extra bad. i don’t know why i do that. i guess i want to do a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy thing where like i tell myself, hey they’re only talking to you because you’re the new one around. it’s like i need confirmation from other people that, yes, they do want me around. i guess that’s why i get deterred from doing a lot of things – because i don’t know if they want me around or not, or if they’re just being polite and whatever. do you ever get that feeling? i mean, i know i have to work on this, but i really feels like i’m running and trying to jump onto a moving bus that’s going really fast and it eventually leaves me in the dust. i guess what i’m saying is that after i meet people and get to know them after spending a few hours together, i don’t know what to do from there. it’s even more awkward when you see them again and you’re like holy shit what do i talk about now, because it’s easier to talk to stranger sometimes, well for me, than people you’ve already met once….

coldplay tribute band. it was awesome. got to meet/get to know people that i normally wouldn’t’ve known.

what a trip.

i can’t dance for my life. i just feel so stupid trying to imitate everyone else. i dunno i guess i don’t even like the music that you can actually dance to nowadays. maybe that’s my problem! i’m getting into swingdancing just fine, but all the other grinding stuff i’m not down with…

help!!