Squeaking in under
the wire; like sliding into
home base. Ump calls, Safe!
I have been a Person of Smoke* on and off since I was 17. Quit for years, sometimes. This last time I quit, I vowed that if I failed and starting smoking again? I would just. keep. smoking. Because quitting is so incredibly, horribly hard.
So, in two weeks, it will be three years. I’ve gone longer without smoking before, but I think this time it’s different, and I’m hopeful. I associate smoking with my sleazy ex-fiance – he smoked, and it was too difficult to not smoke while living with a smoker. I broke up with him three years ago, the beginning of that September, and quit smoking a month after that.
September is always difficult for me – anniversary effect, it was absolutely miserable calling off the wedding back then – and makes me want to smoke. And I’ve been craving like a madman for the last month. But finally today, the cravings mysteriously dissipated, along with all the nebulous bad old feelings.
It’s like fighting against a giant clawed hand that’s trying to pull you back into the muck – and suddenly it lets go. And it’s this incredibly relief, a feeling of thank god I don’t have to fight that anymore. I’m free.
That and when I see the insane price of cigarettes, it makes me happy that I quit. :)
- From a cartoon. A couple of advertising types are trying to find a good way to say “smoker”.
Didn’t know what time it was, the lights were low-oh-oh
I leaned back on my radio-oh-oh
Some cat was layin’ down some rock n’ roll lotta soul, he said
Then the loud sound, it seemed to fa-ay-ade
Came back like a slow voice on a wave of pha-ay-hase
That weren’t no D.J., that was hazy cosmic jive
There’s a starman waiting in the sky
He’d like to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds
There’s a starman waiting in the sky
He’s told us not to blow it
‘Cause he knows its all worthwhile
And he told me
Let the children lose it
Let the children use it
Let all the children boogie
I had to phone someone so I picked on you-oo-oo
Hey, thats far out – so you heard him too-oo-oo
Switch on the TV, we may pick him up on channel two
Look out your window I can see his ligh-i-ight
If we can sparkle, he may land tonigh-i-ight
Don’t tell your papa or he’ll get us locked up in fright
Theres a starman waiting in the sky [...]
David Bowie
We can stay, or we can move along
Either way,
Don’t leave me all alone
I’m sorry about your eye
I’ll find a way to make amends
It’s only that sometimes
I got to break before I bend
Come on darling, there’s a show downtown tonight
Let’s go out dancing
We can drink until the light
I know I haven’t been
Everything a man should be
But I promise I will change
You just leave that up to me
Let me kiss your face
Attend to your aches
I swear that I can make you happy
And you rub my back
Forget the past
And baby I know that that ain’t so easy
It ain’t too late
To salvage all of this
It ain’t too late,
We could fix it with a kiss
All I want is one more chance
So that we could have a home
‘Cause I would not stand a chance
If I had to make it on my own
Oh let me kiss your face [...]
Maybe someday
You’ll remember what I said to you today
Maybe someday
And where would you go
Anyway?
You just put that suitcase down
Leave it for another day
Stop this fooling around
I could never let you get away
Let me kiss your face [...]
Please …
david and david
Both my doctor and my shrink are convinced that my symptoms are either caused or exacerbated by depression. The massive fatigue isn’t due to the chronic respiratory crap and achniess – it’s due to depression. Oh, your mood’s okay? Well, you can be depressed and feel fine emotionally. Your body is depressed.
I’m frustrated. I think I’m going to just decide for myself that there IS a physical basis for the fatigue, achiness, and chest congestion/sore throat/itchy eyes/clogged ears/stuffy nose. And proceed from there.
But it’s really hard when your doctors are saying, “Well, no, it’s not all in your head … but yeah, pretty much, it’s all in your head.”
Sorry, this is an old whinge. :/
Not a haiku. Technical question.
When I hit “Preview”, I get the text:
check out this camp on google concordia language villages
im gonna go there this summer to help me with nihongo
instead of my haiku. If I just hit “Save this entry”, it saves my text as I wrote it.
Glitch on 43 Things? Virus on my computer? What the heck is this?
to a young child
Márgarét, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, líke the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Áh! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you wíll weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrow’s spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
Gerard Manley Hopkins
I just need to beg their forgiveness at this point, and hope they don’t hate me for not keeping up on e-mail.
I need to contact:
Best friend from high school
2 good friends from college
Best friend from grad school
Former co-worker
Part of my slackitude is due to a massive falling-out with my best friend from college. I’ve never “broken up” with a friend before this, and it’s been really difficult and made me doubt myself to the core. I started to think I’m just a really defective friend, and that made me hesitant to resurrect old friendships.
I finally decided that while the falling-out isn’t all her fault, it’s not all my fault either. I have issues, but she has issues too. There were many good reasons we stopped talking, and those reasons are still extant. I need to see it through my eyes, not hers. And I need to not worry about what she might have said about me to other people – I should just assume she’s said nasty things, and move on.
I was talking, not two days ago
To a certain bartender I’m lucky to know
I asked Henry, my bartending friend
If I should go on dating unfamous men
And Henry said
You’re lucky to even know me
You’re lucky to be alive
You’re lucky to be drinking here for free
‘Cause I’m a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes
And then he said
Do you wanna be a polyester bride?
Do you wanna hang your head and die?
Do you wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do you wanna flap your wings and fly
Away from here
I was sitting, not two days ago
Feeling lonely, ‘cause I’m just feeling low
And I asked Henry, my bartending friend
Why is it that there are those kind of men?
And Henry said [...]
‘Cause you’ve got time, he keeps telling me
You’ve got time
But I don’t believe him
You’ve got time
Keep on pushing harder
I keep on pushing farther away
He keeps telling me maybe
He says maybe
Do you wanna be a polyester bride [...]
B. told me his plan for when he dies. It involves having his collectibles boxed up and sent to random strangers, along with a couple of his body parts in each box.
He imagines people opening a box and saying, “Wow! Vintage Batman … and TWO FINGERS??? What does it MEAN? WHYYYYY?” That way he’ll be rememembered, albeit with confusion and dismay.
Then, in his little hut outside the gates of Heaven, he’ll shout up to the angels on top of the wall, “It was worth it!” And go hunting for cherubs.
He cracks me up.
Pushing through the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over
We had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew
He was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I’d need so many people
A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadnt a-pulled her off, I think she
Would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest
And a queer threw up at the sight of that
I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour
Drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine
Don’t think you knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of Ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you’re beautiful, I want you to walk
We’ve got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We’ve got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, thats all we’ve got
Five years
Five years
Five years
Five years
David Bowie
The plan was to go to Spain for a week in early October with parents and B. My mother got neurotic, yadda yadda yadda, we’re not going. :( Because my mom’s not going. B. and I could still go on our own, but my dad’s now planning to leave right after his conference, so we decided to save our time and money for another trip.
However … tentative plans are afoot to go to Mexico next May or so. My family visited Mexico when I was 8, but I don’t remember much of it. This trip, we’d be going to Cananea, in Sonora, where my mother’s family used to live. That would be wildly interesting.
Sometimes she gets this hostile, veiled look that gives me the creeps. Here’s a good example.
Though in this picture, it might be because I gave her a rosary to play with, and then tried to get her attention.
In other news, I tried a new brand of cat food. She didn’t like it. Surprise.
We were at a block party, tossing a frisbee around in the street with some friends. It was getting dark, and all these little kids were riding their bikes through the frisbee zone.
Just as B. was in the air, about to catch the frisbee, a kid rode up behind him. If he’d landed straight down, he would have hurt the kid. Somehow, he caught the frisbee, wrenched to the side, touched down briefly, dove to the grass fifteen feet away, did a shoulder roll, and came up standing on his feet – and clutching the frisbee.
It was amazing.
I saw the loveliest bike today. I only got a glimpse of it as the guy flashed by, but it was a road bike the color of orange sherbet. The rims were painted a cherry red, and there was lemon yellow on it somewhere – maybe on the guy. It was beautiful.
I’ve gotten the most cheers on this goal, and I have done nothing – NOTHING – on it.
I’ve been totally spacing watering the jade plant, and it’s not looking so good.
