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This relates to my other goal of making exercise a habit. Right now I am 130 lbs overweight, so running is not going to happen….but I have to start somewhere. So this goal has to come after I make exercise a habit by walking, swimming, riding my bike or something everyday to get in better shape and lose weight so that running can become an option and something I can realistically work towards because right now its just a long term goal and not something I can accomplish in the near future.

We have a treadmill and a Total Gym and we are getting a YMCA membership and I have a bike and I can walk and there really is NO reason why I can’t exercise. My excuse is its hard and I hate it because of my weight and my asthma….but i can walk slowly and still burn calories and not get out of breath and walking on the treadmill doesnt hurt, so I can do this.

I am overwhelmed right now with us packing to move this week so I have not been exercising, although we went for a walk yesterday, but I definitely want to get back into a routine of exercising everyday so that it becomes a habit and I stick with it. I need to exercise if I want to lose weight, and it wont happen if I dont just get off my ass and do it.

So I am not going to commit right now to doing any particular amount of exercise until after we get settled with this move, but once I get settled in at our new place, then I will make an exercise committment and force myself to stick to it.

I dont know if its the ADHD or the Bipolar or laziness or absentmindedness or all of the above that make this so god damn difficult, but sticking to my Flylady Control Journal binder routines and such is extremely extremely hard. I always forget to look at it and I forget what I am supposed to do on what days and what times and what needs to get done and my house is just a shambles and my poor husband with his OCD is just a nervous wreck all the time because of the piles of stuff everywhere and the dishes never being completely finished and the kids rooms being a mess and my clothes being everywhere and the bed not being made and all these other things that drive him crazy. The whole premise of Flylady is to jump in where you are and you can do anything for 15 minutes….and she’s right, I can do anything for 15 minutes, when I remember what I need to do and have a plan in place to get it all done. I think some of it is pyschological though….because when I first tried Flylady back in 2005, I was doing ok at it, but I was having a lot of mental health issues and Jason lost his job and was depressed and negative and I was really proud of what I was doing and he didnt see it as much of an accomplishment and that made me feel like shit because I felt like I was working my ass off to get it done and that I was doing a good job and I had put a lot of stock in his praise of my efforts and then he inadvertently shit on my parade.

So I kinda feel like, well whats the point of busting my ass to get it clean and focus that much energy on keeping up with the house if no one really gives a shit….because I dont yet have that internal motivational “I am doing this because I want to and because it feels good” push to do it right now. So I think that has a lot to do with why I am not trying harder with Flylady.

Right now we are moving and thats just a nightmare but maybe after we move I can get things under control and start from scratch again with my routines and room rescues and babysteps and all that jazz.

I really want to do this, Im just afraid of putting a lot of stock into it and not getting any recognition for it because I really need that approval about it.