I'm doing 16 things
This is a long story, but this is the story of how I came to be so paranoid of all girls, and hate them so much.
I’ve always had a weird relationship with girls. When I was in high school, I never had a friend for too long – they were always uninteresting, or too much of a stereotype of what it is to be a girl. I got a boyfriend, and he did a lot of bad things to me. Since it was my first love I took it, and I still wanted to be with him, despite the fact that he kept doing bad things.
First, he made out & did some other things with one of my best friends – with me sleeping in the room. When I graduated high school, we were in a weird state, where he would sleep over at my house every night, but before he would come over he had spent the day with another girl, who he later admitted was fooling around with. (She was a cutter, who already had a boyfriend.) He ended up coming to the same college as me, and lived in the same building as me – right down the hallway. He said we were broken up, but we hung out every day, still had sex, and to all of our friends we were together. When I told him I wanted to get away from him because I knew this fake relationship wouldn’t last, he told me to stay. When I told him I was interested in someone else, he told me to stay. I did, because I believed in him. Then he got lots of girl friends, and while he said that they were just friends, he again was gone for the day with another girl (who had a boyfriend as well) and came to bed at 4 AM. One day I found him with a hickey on his neck, and it was all downhill from there. I got to watch him prance around the halls with this girl every day, I got the pitiful look from his friends, my ex-friends. I ended up getting into this weird flirty relationship with his best friend, but that’s another story that happened a while after this.
So during this whole ordeal of a failed relationship, I started to wonder why none of these girls had any kind of morals or self control. I now know that it’s HIS fault, not theirs so much, but these stereotypes still exist in my head. Girls are sluts who don’t care about anyone’s feelings but their own; girls are just vaginas with tiny self-centered brains; girls are catty and competitive for no good reason; girls will never get out of their subservient place in society because they’re too busy with their self image; etc.
As bad as these stereotypes sound, at that time in my life I would look at each of the girls around my building, and they would, in some part, be true. That first girl I mentioned, that my boyfriend fooled around with while I was in the room…later on, I got an en masse email from a fuming mad girl, who said that this girl was having sex with her husband, and that I shouldn’t talk to her. I laughed to myself, because everything I thought had come true. And hey, since this happened three times in a row, it’s bound to happen again, right? All girls must be like this, because it happened to me so many times?
I know that not ALL girls are like this – but I’ve come to respect only the girls who are feminists, who are intelligent and interesting, who mix beauty AND brains, and who are loyal. I have not found many girls who match this description – but when I do, I adore them for taking charge of their gender in a positive way.
But my rough past is ruining my present, unfortunately. Even though I know that girls CAN be good people, I know all too well that they may seem like this on the surface and be slutty and deceiving underneath. I now treat any girl friend of my boyfriends’ as a potential threat. I don’t want to do this, because I don’t want to be a hateful person and I also don’t want to ruin my great relationship because of a really horrible past relationship. I have dreams at least twice a week that my current boyfriend is doing the exact things my ex boyfriend was doing – and it keeps me in a constant state of paranoia.
I know, from past experience, that my current boyfriend is very quick to say if he has a problem with our relationship. If he were having sex with another girl, I would know, because we wouldn’t be having sex. I also know that he is NOTHING like my ex – so why should I place the blame of the mistakes of my ex onto my current? I don’t know.
I really want to stop the woman-hate, but it’s so hard when I have these stereotypes that fit the majority of the girls I meet. I know all of this sounds really bad, I’m sorry. But I’m being honest, and that’s all I can be.
