iris66

I have a ridiculously rare illness that hurts like hell and sometimes physically deforms me. Due to (what I call) sophomoric mistakes and the aforementioned really unfortunate medical condition, I can’t even sit down at all anymore….my leg just doesn’t work that way. I’m pretty much stuck standing or lying down all the time. Oh, I can walk. So, there’s a plus I guess. Only, there’s limping involved, which isn’t exactly…nice. And all I’ve managed to do with my life is high school…I’m really scared of college. People would tell me it’s not really under my control when the normalcy starts (when they finally find a cure, I’m told), but I can’t just live this way for God-knows-how-long. I’m really, really sick and tired of being stared at, and of not being able to sit down in a world where everyone else can. I’m trying to start up some form of physical therapy, but it’s hard because I’m technically not allowed any at all. In the end though, I figure…well, if anyone’s going to succeed in this, it’s going to be me. If nothing else, I’ll be the first.

I’ll admit it, I’ve been a bit lazy this summer. I’m kind of scared of getting things started…mostly of failure I guess. All people ever tell you is “you’ll never know until you try.” So, I’m kind of done being frustrated and unhappy with myself. Honestly, I just need to stop complaining and do something about it. Or at least TRY.

They say it’s normal for recent graduates (HS or otherwise, I’m guessing) to feel lost, dazed and confused. And maybe that’s all it is…regular, pre-college jitters. The future seems so uncertain, though! I’m even entirely not sure if I have one, medically speaking. I want to do something incredible in this life, and have enough left over to go shopping. So much has changed just in the past few years…I need to get out, and figure out who the hell I even am anymore. I’m living on the assumption that I even can, and that it’s all okay. I’m not sure at all where I’m supposed to fit in…which is weird, as I spent the last four years in a uniform. All I hear in my head, over and over, is “Okay, so I’m here. Now what?” I hope this next year has an answer.