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HOW DO YOU STOP IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?
Once you have determined the behavior, then you can make choices to change the behavior. Even though these feelings seem uncontrollable, that doesn’t mean they are uncontrollable. However, you may need to make a commitment to the hard work involved in making changes.
The following steps can help you with these changes:
1) Make an effort to no longer engage in the self-defeating behavior. If you are questioning or making accusations, stop the behavior immediately. Whether you need to literally bite your tongue, go to another room, or talk to a friend, don’t allow yourself to continue with this destructive behavior. Usually people engage in this behavior because initially it is reassuring to them and makes them feel better. But remind yourself that feeling better is just temporary and that it is a destructive behavior that must stop.
2) Challenge the irrational thinking styles frequently. Identify how your thinking is irrational and remind yourself of why it is whenever you have the jealous thoughts. If is often beneficial to write this down. Some things that you may identify include the idea that there is no evidence, that the probability is remote, and that there is evidence to the contrary such as the loving things your spouse does for you.
3) Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk. Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to “shut up.” You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic. Some people use the rubber band method which involves the aversive stimulus of snapping a rubber band on your wrist whenever you have the jealous self-talk.
4) Work on improving your self-esteem. Remember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself. Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem. Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.
5) Learn to be vulnerable and to develop emotional intimacy. For any relationship to be successful, you must be able to take risks. There are many ways to do this and you need to determine by assessing yourself what are the best ways for you to take risks. For instance, if you feel insecure, you might share these feelings with your spouse and talk about ways your spouse can help you feel more secure. Or if you are afraid of being vulnerable, you might decide to take small risks of sharing yourself, your feelings, and your fears with your spouse.
