jakthund

I started with the easiest things, but the rest will be quite challenging:

1. Learn to make quick decisions.
It would save me a lot of stress.

2. Start the day completing the most important task.
Just get it out of the way.

3. Learn to deal with anxiety and paranoia, should it occur.
I have no idea how.

4. Accept myself the way I am now, and move on.
Accepting myself doesn’t mean I’ll be this person forever.

5. Glasses
My sight has deteriorated a lot lately, time to get this fixed.

6. Dress better
There’s no reason to be self-conscious about one’s clothes when it’s so easy to fix.

Tired of emotional breakthroughs one day and falling back into bad habits the next day, I find that, after all, life is okay. It’s not about walking around every day being happy to be me and, but coping with everyday’s little struggles, accepting my own choices and not feeling like the world’s collapsing because of something that didn’t turn out as planned. I don’t like melodramatic people, so why be one?

Still struggling to focus my energy on the things that are most important to me.

1. Cancel my credit card.
It cost my extra money just to have it, and even more when I use it. Also, there’s no point in spending money I don’t have.

2. Get all my papers from the university
A year after graduating, I still haven’t had this fixed. Time to get it done, if I’m gonna apply for a job.

3. Lose 5 kilos (to 65)
It would do wonder for my self-esteem.

4. Get a pair of glasses.
I’ve been putting this off for too long…

5. Find a job.
Because having money makes life easier.

6. Not care so much what other people think.
Everyone have their opinion. But why should I let other people dictate my life?

I’m still struggling with this, I have no idea what I should wear and I wish I knew someone who could give me some guidance. I have a weird body shape, I’m tall and look relatively slender, but a long back and short legs, relatively musclular arms (because of weight lifting), a slim waist and muffin tops even when I don’t wear jeans (need to get rid of that excess fat). So I don’t really know how to sort that out. However, I think I want to have a classic and timeless style, and a wardrobe consisting of mainly items of good quality that suit me well and can last me at least a few years.

I think I’ll set this as completed, because my self-esteem has improved a lot the last couple of years. I’ve been working hard, not specifically towards this goal, but towards reaching my other goals, and in the process I’ve realised I can do whatever I want to do, if I set my mind to it. And the feeling of accomplishment, especially when doing things I didn’t think I was capable of, has made me feel a lot better about myself.

As this is a pretty vague goal (it can really mean anything), I’ve found myself focusing too much on irrelevant aspects of this goal. As a student that has been moving from place to place for years, I don’t really need to declutter or throw away everything I own. I just have to find a way to make things work for me, and get some peace of mind. So these are the things I think would matter the most to me:

1. Find out what I want to study
This has always been a big concern to me, and still is. I would like to feel that I’m on the right track.

2. Use my appointmentbook to remember things
This would take a lot of worries off my mind. I sometimes forget to pay the bills, or do other important things because I put them off for too long. Also, I should make sure to cross things out from my to-do-list as I do them.

3. Find a place to live where I can be happy
I’m moving this autumn. I’ve always lived in places that weren’t ideal for me. At least now I know myself a lot better and what kind of people I like being with.

4. Find a system that makes me have better control of where I keep my personal belongings and documents.
After always spending too much time looking for stuff, I decided to put a basket in my kitchen in which I put all sorts of small items that would usually lay around the house. It has worked quite good, but I still think it’s a bit messy. I would like to have a better filing system for important papers and documents.

More than a year after writing my other entry, I haven’t really improved much. I still criticise myself, in a way that makes it impossible to live up to my own expectations. For example I’ll criticise myself for looking shabby, but at the same time criticise myself for my vanity and spending time trying to look good. This way of thinking can just tear me apart, I’ll never be good enough. At least now I’m aware that I’m doing it. But I think in order to make progress, I need to work more actively with myself, my way of thinking, my way of judging myself and others.

I think this is maybe the most important thing I can do for myself. I’ve been missing out on too much of my young life just because of self-hatred and self-doubt. It’s a long journey, but if I don’t start now I feel that I’ll never be a happy, lovable person.

My hair used to look terrible before I cut it short, and now that it’s starting to grow back, it looks much better. Wanting to keep it that way as it grows longer, I’ve been reading a bit, and I figure this is what I should to for starts:

- wash my hair one last time with a shampoo with SLS, to remove silicons and mineral oils that probably have built up in my hair
- switch to a mild shampoo that doesn’t contain sulfates, alcohol, mineral oils or silicons
- start using conditioner (one that doesn’t contain any of the substances mentioned above)
- try washing my hair only two times per week

I’ve read about quitting shampoo and using only conditioner for cleaning the hair, but I’m not sure if that would work for my hair type (not curly at all). I think I’ll just start with this and see where that takes me.

I’ve been playing the violin for a year and a half now, but still can’t read very well and learning new pieces tend to be quite exhausting. But recently I got the opportunity to join an orchestra, and I can tell my reading has improved because of more practicing and less cheating by putting numbers over the notes. I’m also starting to understand how the different keys work, and I no longer freak out when I see accidentals. Still need to work more on rhytmical patterns, though. In the end I’m hoping learning this will help me understand more music theory.

Finally! After trying to do this for years, I finally did it and reached my goal! It was quite painful and I never thought I’d actually do this, but for every step I took I reminded myself that if I quit, all those steps behind me would be wasted and I would have to do it all over again. So I pushed myself really hard and even managed to sprint the last bit and finish at 14:49!

This just proves to me that doing a lot of running doesn’t do the trick, and that weight training and high intensity interval training to get my legs speed up in fact works a lot better. I haven’t been doing a lot of cardio exercise this spring, apart from 1 k running on the treadmill for my workouts and some 4 minute high intensity interval training in the morning. And I’ve lost a few pounds, which I guess makes running a lot easier.

I try to declutter and organise a little every day. Instead of a messy room that was only used for storage, we now have a spare guest room. Also, I’m in the process of clearing out my wardrobe and drawers, and organising my files and documents, so I know where to find the things I need when I need them. I’m hoping this will make my life easier and less stressful.

I finished on 15:03 today! Maybe I’ll reach my goal sooner than I was hoping? This is the first time in a while that I actually enjoyed running, at least for the first kilometre. My legs feel stronger, and I’m not struggling as much to get my legs move forward. However, my lungs really hurt when I finished this, so I was really pushing hard.

Can I hope to reach my goal the next run?

I usually don’t run that much any more, besides the warm-up for my weight lifting exercise. So I was quite happy with both being able to run 3K and the time I finished. I think it’s actually my personal best. I’m hoping to cut down the 33 seconds in the time of this month.

I don’t feel good being me, most of the time I try to be someone else, and it’s pretty alienating. It’s time I start being true to myself and accept myself for who I am.

Bought the book today. I’ve already read some articles on the internet and I’m trying to be more conscious about this. Sometimes I only get aware of it after criticising someone, but at least I can go back and correct it.

I’m hoping this can make me feel more empathy and be a better person.

I think I’m doing better on this than I have in a long time. I’m not following any specific diet these days, as it just make me think about food all the time. I just try to eat “sensibly”, I try to choose the best option available, and try to include more protein in my diet insted of filling up on too many carbs. I try not to have any foods that can trigger binge eating in my house, for example I do not have foods that can be eaten from a box, only foods that needs to be prepared. I found this helped a lot, after all you can’t eat it if it isn’t there.

But what really has changed, is my mindset, and I think this is the most important thing. I’ve stopped seeing myself as a victim, and feeling sorry for myself. I used to hate those thin people who could eat seemingly anything without gaining weight, and I hated myself for not being one of them, I felt like a victim of genetics or whatever. But there is no reason to be the victim, I know I can control this IF I WANT. And if I slip, I get up again and move on. No big deal. But if you let yourself fall for the all-or-nothing mentality, it will be. So don’t! I’ve also started to say nice things to myself, instead of beating myself up. I try to put myself in the mindset of a healthy, beautiful person, and sometimes when choosing a meal, I ask myself, what would a healty, beautiful person have. I believe that if I can do the same choices, I will be able to think about myself as a healty and beautiful person, so it really boosts my self-esteem. And that is key: you need self-esteem to come over this habit, and even though it’s difficult, try to cheer on yourself every time you get the oportunity.

I’m not really sure why I want to be more feminine. I’m cuestioning the cultural aspect of it, are other people expecting me to me feminine just for the sake of traditions? Well yes, I’m a woman, people would expect me to be feminine, to not be seen as androgyne and weird, or at least that’s how I feel. But then again, how does one define femininity? Is it to act helpless, dress nicely, don’t swear and say “ooooh, how cute” when they see a child? At least to a certain extent. And that’s maybe why I have a problem with it. Maybe I should try finding a definition I’m comfortable with. Because this is silly. I feel boyish even when I wear a dress.

This is a really expensive one! 13 pesos for a small melon, but I just had to try it for the sake of my project.

Winter melons are like summer melons, but they have a thicker peel and store well. That’s why you can get them in winter. The flesh is bright green and not as sweet, it’s actully more like a cucumber. Not really worth it. Melons are best in summer!

I see most of the entries on this goal aren’t really positive, obviously. However, I think we all should stop pitying ourselves and move on. For so long I didn’t think I could do it, I didn’t really want to change either, but it has changed. And this is very important. You have to WANT the change. Think about what you dream about doing in your life. Think about the possibilities you have and do the most of it. Find a passion. I think the reason I ended up depressed for almost 5 years was basically laziness. I didn’t commit to anything, I didn’t do the things I wanted to do and always came up with excuses. The dramatic change came when I met a person that saw this, and got angry with me for not doing anything with my life. So he helped me take action, and now I’m on the way. For example I’ve started playing violin, whick I love. I think I’ve gotten better at finding out what my dreams are, and seek them. I still have some crappy days when I just get stressed out and worry too much, but we all have those days once in a while. For the first time in a looong time I actually feel happy, generally speaking. I still know I’m pretty vulnerable to dramatic changes in my life, so I won’t regard this goal as finished yet. But I’m surely getting there. I will try to build up my self esteem and when I go back to Norway, I will be another person than I were when I left.

I went to the market, and came across this little ditty that I first got to know in Chile, in the form of cherimoya juice. This time I had the opportunity to try the real deal, and I can say it was a pleasant experience.

The Cherimoya, native to Peru and Ecuador, is shaped almost like a heart, and has a quite thick, dark green peal. The flesh is pale yellow and soft, and it had big black seeds in it. It is rich in vitamin B1. B2, calcium, iron and phosphorous. The taste is a bit like apple and pear, with a hint of kiwi. Very good! I would buy this again if it weren’t so expensive!