jameslamericaine

He has a girlfriend. They live together. She’s gorgeous yet seems modest. Shes hispanic. Im white bread. I cant compete with her. She has the body of a model yet dresses in such a modest way with loose t shirts. Gadges in her ears.
I know exactly what it is about him that makes me queezy. He’s touchy feely. He hugs … I love hugs. He’s tall and beautiful in a modest way. He’s nice and generous. He has a beautiful essence about him. He has a kind spirit. A beautiful smile. He’s laid back yet ambitious and about the finish college.
He’s majoring in International Relations, which was my major while i was in college.
He speaks to all people with the same generous nature.
He touches everyone with his hands. He’s not afraid of people.
Im so infatuated with him. I need to stop because he has a girlfriend.
Im probably just making him out to be perfect and he;s not really what Im thinking he is. But honestly i have this feeling that i dont get for many people. Its a feeling of just something being so right about him.
We smoked in my car the last two nights. just me and him. Its not that big of a deal but i cant help but be so happy inside that he actually wants to smoke with me.
Last night he asked me where i came from and i said colorado and he asked how long was i there and i told him a year and he asked was it a guy and i said yeah and he said o was it air force and he was right.
he was right on the money.
he said that he moved to colorado to be with a girl too. and it obviously didnt work out bc he;s living here now.
but he said .. o well we learn.

But i just want to know how he sees me.
I want to know if he sees me as a child? as a possible lover? Ill never know. But maybe i can find out.

how am i supposed to get a lover if Im almost 22 and I already hate dating. I havent been on a real date in a long time, i dont even remember when. When i say find a lover i mean i want one. I want someone to love me and I want to love them back. I think love is one of the most beautiful things to experience on earth and i dont want to miss out on it. I just want it to happen whereever and however it wants to, but i want it to happen.
Because of my last 2 year relationship i am now scared that there is something really wrong with me because he wont even talk to me anymore.
I dont even know why. Perhaps I hurt him but he never told me. I cant go back and see what i did wrong but I am just accepting that its so far in the past that i cant ever know what happened really. But I am left with this fear that there is something really wrong with me as a person that no other person that i will ever love will ever love me.
I know i am such a romantic and a niave little girl for wanting it so badly but i cant help but long for it.
I try out different types of lovers i dont really limit who i see myself with.
But every now and then i crush on someone and they give me a nervous queezy feeling in my stomach that goes throughout my body. Im pretty sure that too is a childlike quality that for some reason i just havent gotten over. But when that feeling is really strong, which isnt very often, I get this feeling of obsession. Of infatuation. And it feels good because in a way it feels like love. but i hate the feeling because its not reciprocated. Its only one sided and stalkeresk.
So i have to step back and try not to think about this childish crush.

I want to be able to pay for my own bills and rent and not use a credit card. I want to spend my money wisely. I want to know exactly how much money i have at any given point and i want to know exactly how much i am going to need and how much i am going to spend. I want to have money saved without having to use it.